.
Dear Carlos,
It has been a while, since the last time we both spend a night gazing at the corners of the world. After gathering fiction stories and real life stories, I felt this was the proper time to drop you a few lines.
Mad world! Indeed it is, but nonetheless we got to love it, with all its little clichés scatter around any given corner of its streets. All around I see familiar faces, worn down places… the song states it well.
Ah! Friends!
I have friends who remind me of myself in the most prehistoric stages of my existence - the high school – a place where all the insecurities jumped at me like flees to a dog, it was a time when nothing more seems to have an opportunity to reveal itself.
It was so easy to be a pessimistic hidden under the shield of realism. Optimist was left for the ones, whose reality gave the paramount ability to create, enjoy and purchase art with the mere thought. Pessimism, however, is given to those, whose life seems a redundancy of bad events, scattered in a road somewhere where the too many good events are easily forgotten.
Do you remember Carlos, back in the days when fear ruled your soul with the fist of anxiety, when the optimism that others had for you, hold so little currency when compared to that grim view of eternity through the blurred lens of the present imperfect. There are so many ways to divide people today. One that calls for my attention currently, is the self-critics and the self-lovers division. Personally, I have been, in occasion, part of both circles of thought, although, despite the qualities of my life indicate that I should be a self-lover, I most confess that I tend more to the former category due to an unexplainable crises of low-esteem that hovers on top of me every now and then.
Yet, I wonder, what makes people be so much of a critic to themselves. How can a person endure such a punishment, by the self?
After viewing Requiem for a dream, I wonder how will we ever get out of the mess that we are in today. We are so careless with the little earthquakes in our lives that it is a true wonder to see a moment of care towards any other earthquake lying around in the neighborhood.
My friend, I believe that life brings us greatness at any corner, if we are willing to be there to pick it up and indulge ourselves with what life has for us in its rollercoaster.
I cannot afford to be specific or I would lose myself too much, in any case Carlos, you can wonder one, upon reading these humble words that you compose to yourself.
Take care of yourself, fill your cup with high hopes and visions of grandeur, for in the end of the first act you might be given the chance to performer in one of your dreams and take others high in to the moon.
Hug
Carlos
P.S. I am listening to Donnie Darko Soundtrack, after watching Requiem for a Dream. I am still dwelling with a Portuguese book, it is difficult to leave the world of two peoples that are opposite in the sense that one breaths and the other does not. Oh well.
cocasman@zmail.pt
Saturday, June 19, 2004
Wednesday, June 02, 2004
Impatient Mind
.
A few weeks after arriving to Montreal, I started to notice the increasingly scarce lack of news from my friends, a bit throughout the world.
Back then, I wondered about a conspiracy movement, I even had a name for it too. I called it – The Conspiracy of Silence.
Still, as time went on, I could not help to wonder who had been the true mute figure in this word play?
Me, who fled to a new reality in the hopes of finding my purpose in the world; or all of them who, to me, seem to be hiding way in their convenient bureaucratic routines. A commitment towards society made them slaves of a square like life, removing color, taste and what once was pleasure from their lives. How easy it is to blame it on the next person, for the faults of my lack of action. With the ability of a slick moron I let paranoia sink in and start shooting in all the directions possible, instead of the most probable, my own.
Even so, I guess, that we are all to blame in this silence plot, as we secretly avoid worrying about fellow friends and family, trusting that all is well, if no bad news are there to tell.
How we be little ourselves to this sloth like behavior that excuses us from any responsibility on any kind of worrying towards anybody and everybody. Sadly, sometimes even to ourselves, as we try to figure out who is to blame in the derailing of our own lives, when all could be so much better if we exercise our right to doing something.
A little side note.
I have been blessed with many good friends and family in my life, that is a paramount truth that lingers in my memory for many eons to come, even though all this resentment I feel from my seclusion and its natural consequences.
I am afraid I have fell into the pit of oblivion in what once was a path of joy in all my friends’ memory. How else can I explain the 60 people who attended my birthday party, last March. Perhaps it was the free candy that I was given out a bit throughout all Lisbon, which brought all of them there in the first place. Come to think of it, I do not know any of those people.
Wait a minute, was I in the right restaurant at all? I always wonder why the big sign on the door said happy birthday Albert, instead of Carlos. Hmm!
Be as it may, the world holds still many mysteries to me, besides this one.
Despite the silence of loved ones from back home, I am now facing the loud of worries of my mind towards a silent worrier in my own backyard.
Obviously, I am not referring to my kind neighbor who knocked at my door on a nice Saturday morning, claming that my Riverdance music was too loud. First of all, how can Riverdance ever be too loud? Secondly, what is the point of listen Riverdance, if we can’t make the walls tremble with the sound of 100 Irish step dancers?
In fact, my concerns focus more on a close friend in the fine city of Montreal, whose life seems destiny to wonder about the purpose of life in this mortal shell.
It is interesting to realize, that the worries that were so desperately conveyed to me, were very recurring to a few months of dwelling that I had to endure in the smelly nest that harbored me last year. I guess that throughout my existence, I have always been wondering for what dreams may come. Currently I am inclined to believe that they might just well be whatever we want them to be as long, as long as we put or mind to it.
Examples that immediately come to mind:
A friend of mine always loved Japan, and he set as his goal to one-day travel there and discover more about that society that pleases him so. Making that old cliché keep its truth about all good things come to those who wait. It seems now that his dream will see the glory sunshine of reality one year from now. An eternity to some, but just a blink a way to this dreamer, who realize that we have the power to make dreams come true.
My dear sister, who for many years dreamt of having painting classes; a short time ago indulge her self with such a golden opportunity of learning that allowed her to explore this creative facet that she believed within her only expectations.
Many more histories like that, are in the almanacs of each ones lives, if we only dare to read them with the unbiased scrutiny that sometimes we lack while ruling out many of our own potential choices.
As I grasp the meaning of the wisdom behind; if there is a will, there is a way; I realize that in all the paths that I have undertaken, with all the choices resulted from that, I always encountered hard hurdles which brought me to the bitter and tough reality. These obstacles blurred my vision, in terms of what an ideal world should be. And, I am sure that the answer lies in pursuing what we want to do.
If it is to make a journey to Europe during one year, or coming to study to Canada for six months, than let it be.
Eric Idle said it best, if we come back from nothing and if we’ll go back to nothing, what do we have to lose in the end, then?
The balance is quite simple to make; we can either enjoy our travels, as we indulge in the choices we have to make, in this constant walk on crossroads. Or, stand in one of countless corners and see all the others taking their opportunities to a success, which with some true commitment could have easily been ours in the first place.
Last year, I was living a nightmare just about a 1000-km away, as I saw the walls of my hopes crumbling down. I felt alone in the world, unable to relate to anyone about my fears of what else is there. When the illusions, I built around a make belief world, were shattered with the inescapable reality catching on and calling me to pay the bill of my own choices, I realized that there was something I had to do.
I had to go deep into the valley of my ego and enter into that place, where the hall of mirrors lays the truth. I gaze upon my reflection and saw that all the world may crumble down upon our feet, but the hope to build a new one, must never be put away in an oblivion vault, that we use as an excuse for all our inaction.
Choices have to be made at all time and even the option of not taking any, by just waiting for the outcome of a previous one, may also be a choice. In the end, conscience calls to see what were the final results that such preference led to.
It is always easy to find excuses to prevent us from going, rather than looking for good reasons of why should not stop. After all, laziness is such an easy fuel for the worrier that lurks inside all of us, whose expertise is to find the obvious negative things and put them out of proportion. Why not take the chance of being involved in something, taking it towards the goal we set for us, and then make an educated judgement of it’s worthiness.
What is there to lose?
I understand that all my friends and family are busy with their own predicaments of every ordinary day in the life, as I have my own. Yet, I take more care now in wondering about what life allows us to do, in opposition to what we are willing to for our lives.
To my worrying friend, I wish the wisdom of awareness about of the value of the choices that were made, and the outcomes that come from any commitment, instead of letting the castle fall down, and then simply say; I told you so.
To everyone else, including me, I wish that we may learn the value of friendships and its importance in our showdown with the infinite world of choices that lies ahead in every heart beat. I will try to be more patient with everyone else routines, as I am sure that someone is forgiving to my own sloppy memory. As I choose to write this little ache relief, I will am also choosing to pursue my dreams and let my friends be a part of them.
With our choices, we have the power to see what dreams may come, instead of let our impatient oversee the fact that some choices take time to develop, as a tree takes its time to grow after someone’s choice of planting a tiny little seed in the field of possibilities.
Listening: The Mood and the Melodies – Harold Budd
Reading: Fazes me Falta – Ines Pedrosa
Seeing: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang; Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory; The Ring; The Thing.
cocasman@zmail.pt
A few weeks after arriving to Montreal, I started to notice the increasingly scarce lack of news from my friends, a bit throughout the world.
Back then, I wondered about a conspiracy movement, I even had a name for it too. I called it – The Conspiracy of Silence.
Still, as time went on, I could not help to wonder who had been the true mute figure in this word play?
Me, who fled to a new reality in the hopes of finding my purpose in the world; or all of them who, to me, seem to be hiding way in their convenient bureaucratic routines. A commitment towards society made them slaves of a square like life, removing color, taste and what once was pleasure from their lives. How easy it is to blame it on the next person, for the faults of my lack of action. With the ability of a slick moron I let paranoia sink in and start shooting in all the directions possible, instead of the most probable, my own.
Even so, I guess, that we are all to blame in this silence plot, as we secretly avoid worrying about fellow friends and family, trusting that all is well, if no bad news are there to tell.
How we be little ourselves to this sloth like behavior that excuses us from any responsibility on any kind of worrying towards anybody and everybody. Sadly, sometimes even to ourselves, as we try to figure out who is to blame in the derailing of our own lives, when all could be so much better if we exercise our right to doing something.
A little side note.
I have been blessed with many good friends and family in my life, that is a paramount truth that lingers in my memory for many eons to come, even though all this resentment I feel from my seclusion and its natural consequences.
I am afraid I have fell into the pit of oblivion in what once was a path of joy in all my friends’ memory. How else can I explain the 60 people who attended my birthday party, last March. Perhaps it was the free candy that I was given out a bit throughout all Lisbon, which brought all of them there in the first place. Come to think of it, I do not know any of those people.
Wait a minute, was I in the right restaurant at all? I always wonder why the big sign on the door said happy birthday Albert, instead of Carlos. Hmm!
Be as it may, the world holds still many mysteries to me, besides this one.
Despite the silence of loved ones from back home, I am now facing the loud of worries of my mind towards a silent worrier in my own backyard.
Obviously, I am not referring to my kind neighbor who knocked at my door on a nice Saturday morning, claming that my Riverdance music was too loud. First of all, how can Riverdance ever be too loud? Secondly, what is the point of listen Riverdance, if we can’t make the walls tremble with the sound of 100 Irish step dancers?
In fact, my concerns focus more on a close friend in the fine city of Montreal, whose life seems destiny to wonder about the purpose of life in this mortal shell.
It is interesting to realize, that the worries that were so desperately conveyed to me, were very recurring to a few months of dwelling that I had to endure in the smelly nest that harbored me last year. I guess that throughout my existence, I have always been wondering for what dreams may come. Currently I am inclined to believe that they might just well be whatever we want them to be as long, as long as we put or mind to it.
Examples that immediately come to mind:
A friend of mine always loved Japan, and he set as his goal to one-day travel there and discover more about that society that pleases him so. Making that old cliché keep its truth about all good things come to those who wait. It seems now that his dream will see the glory sunshine of reality one year from now. An eternity to some, but just a blink a way to this dreamer, who realize that we have the power to make dreams come true.
My dear sister, who for many years dreamt of having painting classes; a short time ago indulge her self with such a golden opportunity of learning that allowed her to explore this creative facet that she believed within her only expectations.
Many more histories like that, are in the almanacs of each ones lives, if we only dare to read them with the unbiased scrutiny that sometimes we lack while ruling out many of our own potential choices.
As I grasp the meaning of the wisdom behind; if there is a will, there is a way; I realize that in all the paths that I have undertaken, with all the choices resulted from that, I always encountered hard hurdles which brought me to the bitter and tough reality. These obstacles blurred my vision, in terms of what an ideal world should be. And, I am sure that the answer lies in pursuing what we want to do.
If it is to make a journey to Europe during one year, or coming to study to Canada for six months, than let it be.
Eric Idle said it best, if we come back from nothing and if we’ll go back to nothing, what do we have to lose in the end, then?
The balance is quite simple to make; we can either enjoy our travels, as we indulge in the choices we have to make, in this constant walk on crossroads. Or, stand in one of countless corners and see all the others taking their opportunities to a success, which with some true commitment could have easily been ours in the first place.
Last year, I was living a nightmare just about a 1000-km away, as I saw the walls of my hopes crumbling down. I felt alone in the world, unable to relate to anyone about my fears of what else is there. When the illusions, I built around a make belief world, were shattered with the inescapable reality catching on and calling me to pay the bill of my own choices, I realized that there was something I had to do.
I had to go deep into the valley of my ego and enter into that place, where the hall of mirrors lays the truth. I gaze upon my reflection and saw that all the world may crumble down upon our feet, but the hope to build a new one, must never be put away in an oblivion vault, that we use as an excuse for all our inaction.
Choices have to be made at all time and even the option of not taking any, by just waiting for the outcome of a previous one, may also be a choice. In the end, conscience calls to see what were the final results that such preference led to.
It is always easy to find excuses to prevent us from going, rather than looking for good reasons of why should not stop. After all, laziness is such an easy fuel for the worrier that lurks inside all of us, whose expertise is to find the obvious negative things and put them out of proportion. Why not take the chance of being involved in something, taking it towards the goal we set for us, and then make an educated judgement of it’s worthiness.
What is there to lose?
I understand that all my friends and family are busy with their own predicaments of every ordinary day in the life, as I have my own. Yet, I take more care now in wondering about what life allows us to do, in opposition to what we are willing to for our lives.
To my worrying friend, I wish the wisdom of awareness about of the value of the choices that were made, and the outcomes that come from any commitment, instead of letting the castle fall down, and then simply say; I told you so.
To everyone else, including me, I wish that we may learn the value of friendships and its importance in our showdown with the infinite world of choices that lies ahead in every heart beat. I will try to be more patient with everyone else routines, as I am sure that someone is forgiving to my own sloppy memory. As I choose to write this little ache relief, I will am also choosing to pursue my dreams and let my friends be a part of them.
With our choices, we have the power to see what dreams may come, instead of let our impatient oversee the fact that some choices take time to develop, as a tree takes its time to grow after someone’s choice of planting a tiny little seed in the field of possibilities.
Listening: The Mood and the Melodies – Harold Budd
Reading: Fazes me Falta – Ines Pedrosa
Seeing: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang; Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory; The Ring; The Thing.
cocasman@zmail.pt
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