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Sweet life!
For many years, I tried hard to find a purpose in life, something that could cling me to this world in a way that made me feel like I had some kind of responsibility to the world.
What am I saying?
Ever since I can remember I look back to myself, and see myself as a sailboat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, without anybody at the helm, leaving my fate in the fortunate blows of the god of the wind. Thus far it was something that was worthwhile to do, after all I manage to survive for the past 27 years free of any harm.
Does this mean that I am a meaningless person? God, I sure hope not, otherwise I would possible be the front runner for the waste of space award, being only beaten by the bitter weapons that were paramount in shaping a world with the delicacy of a sledgehammer in a field of strawberries. Can I be compared to any kind of weapon? I guess not, my actions have been by far, less destructive or important to the events of our civilization.
So what the heck am I doing in this world?
For the past 4 months have been living bliss in the form of a student type life, in a country that holds more of my attention than my own. Once again, I question do I love Canada more than Portugal? Heck no, I carry Portugal in my heart as a memory of undying mom that always is there ready to receive me. Canada however poses much more challenges for my life than my own nest. What would be my purpose in Portugal now? I would enjoy the company for a fleeting moment of reunion with some friends as they had a little break from their hectic routines, with their eventful jobs, the family weekends and the lush vacations that poses as the main purpose of any kind of job! Yet, after a week or two, I would go back to their shelf of regulars. Then I would be just another friend that might be there just around the corner, to whom there is no point of calling, because we know that he is quite fine and also that we are too busy to even do so.
Can I blame anyone for this? Not really, after all I fell in my own webs of distraction that prevent me from being more aware of this absence of kindred spirits, my friends.
In Canada, I have found what I believe to be Love, a good strong feeling that once again gives me meaning, but by no means keeps me anchored to any specific spot. My good other half is much keener of opening the horizons of life than I do. “The world is a destination where we might end up being” – I sense her.
My obtuse nature of worries however, prevent me from taking chances towards adventures without first being aware where will I land on after the adventure is over. My financial rope is getting somewhat narrow to do any kind of adventures, and I feel weary to try any risky bungee that might stretch me up to a point of parental dependency that thus far I have been trying hard to break free.
I know that risks are part of the game of life, and that sometimes they are the flavor of the moment, that spark that makes us look back in awe to a past and be proud of the risky achievement. I guess life is made up to be fun. And I have been fortune enough to be surrounded with people that make me want to have fun and enjoy my way of having fun.
In a final note, I guess I always look at events as terminal events, and my gloomy spirit is due to this awareness of ending of cycle that draws dreadfully close. As see new friends, anxious to get back to their own friends and family, I see my self wondering much more where will I land after all songs have been sung. I guess that I should face the world with a different perspective now. I have LOVE in my life now, I have happiness for now, and I have a deadline to keep. Anything else can wait for my attention, when the time is right. When all the proper worries have been blown away. However, when this time come and the wind blows once again to carry my ship along the destiny path, I intend to be at helm of my life and use it’s inspiration wisely to stir towards my heart’s content.
cocasman@zmail.pt