There are times in my life, where i have wonder what am i doing here?
I guess this is the common question that strikes me down with all its might.
Right now, i feel completely empty, as if my existence had no meaning, rather than to spread pain all around. As a human being, i have failed many times my friends and all those who have shed some love for me.
Why is it that unwillingly we cause pain in the ones we seek to love the most?
What is the reason, behind all this madness called live, that brings no answers and instead leaves us with only a handful of clues that allow only a gifted few to find their way out through the mess of life.
I guess that when it comes to love, it is impossible for me to find any positive solution, that will please either me or the one who I love.
Also, I think that I am so beyond believing in love that all the pain that comes from it just clashes with the shell of my indifference for it all.
Being alone, might be the only way to encounter reconciliation with my fears. I hate being hurt or to cause harm for that matter. Therefor it is easier to avoid any love than to let me be fooled by it.
Having my own mother believing that all i want is sexual gratification rather than a stable relationship.
It is very difficult for me to trust in love. I wonder why?
I have been only abandoned twice, from people i thought i loved passionately. I have had my share of disappointments with others who did not fulfill my expectations nor did i reach up to theirs for them to consider me a suited candidate for their love.
But was it love?
In the end of my life, will I be able to say that I have actually loved, or will i be only allowed to think that i have loved, having, in fact, never had a true notion of what it was.