Black

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life in somebody else's sky
but why,
why can't it be, in mine"

Ah September I remember you well.
I guess I love you and November the most.
Maybe it is because both of you hold the most precious of the seasons for me - Autumn.

It also true that this time reminds me that all things most come to an end
You have given me so many occasions, where this was so true.

So now every year, I get to celebrate this most unique time - a celebration of endings.
And as they say, endings are just beginnings.

Today, I am too tired to think about new possibilities, but I promise that I will hold a thought or two to honour this most scared time.

How pervasive am I.
What damage do I bring.

...
No answer!
I see!

Blank

Heavens to inspiration blanks.
I wish I knew how to get back my inspiration in regards to my productions.
What is is about these moments of unwant and inability to move beyond this point, that make me so unbarebly still?
I guess I can only wait, but not too much though.
I have a billion of things left to do, and I cannot wait too long to finish them.

People still come up to me with proposals.
I guess that my policy of behavior to the outside world provides a far better image of myself than the one I hold to myself.
However, which is the right view? Is it mine with the obsessive, melancholic behavior or is it the positive outter view that portraits me in such a fair good lightt?
Perchance it would be a in-between state, which would make me common.
I guess I have been dreading the commons, becuase I so long to be more than common, only to realize that  I am as common as common can be, and by that fact alone, that is already a great thing to be - but still, the blured values fade this view and fill me with a sick perspective of what my life should be all about.

I am tired of complaining.
People hear, but there is so little for them to do.
There is so little for me to do.
This is a quality of being so as soon as I accept that I am as I am, the fast I will be in fulfilling what needs to be done.

And now, I rest.

Leaving all of this behind

!

Give up

Give up.

I think so manytimes about giving up.
I am tired.
So, what I write is mainlly due to this tiredness than an actual portrail of life events.

I am trying to complete a masters.
I have lost all passion.
I cannot focus more than 20 minutes on any read or writting I have to do, without wondering of to some other task or simply be defeat by an unexpected unrest and tiredness.
The effect is felt all over my emotional and spiritual side as well.
I feel weak
I feel powerless
I feel defeated
I feel like a fraud
I feel that I will be exposed for the pointless being that I am.
I expect very little of all the little creatures around me.
I do not see my self better or smarter than any of them, in fact I feel like a shadow.
I feel like I want to hide my sorrow and myself along with it.

I want to believe that I am capable, but the days just march on with little to none progress.
The conversations with my tuitor albeit inspiring, they linger little in my mood and thus I am taken away from reality and abducted into a realm of confusion and deceit created by my fears. I feel that I deserve nothing nor anyone. I feel like good old Jack singing "... find a big cave to hide in, in a million years they'll find me... only dust... and a plaque that reads here lies poor old Carlos"

But I never intended any of this to happen.
Never

All I wanted was to improve myself, to raise a level above.
I Am afraid that I have stomped into out appears to be a limit.
What this makes me realize is that perhaps this is my limit.
Perhaps, I am trying to go beyond my abilities, and this might just be impossible.

I just think that I am too spoiled and accostumed to confort to deal with harsh difficulties.
What have I learn?
I will never be a leader
I am a fraud.
All tha I have done is an illusion of grandeur that I have sold to others, as I did to myself.
All I should do now, is give up on all.

But then, I stop and recall.
"Hey, what the heck, I went and did my best.
That's right!
And for a moment, I... I've even touched the sky
and at least I have left some stories, they can tell I did.
Cause I Carlos the master king.
That's right, I am the master king..

Hahahaha

And I just can't wait to next delivery day
Cause I have some new ideas that will really cause awe

ohoh! I hope there's still time to finish everything!

Remix...."

So, I guess that instead of leavng myself here into this weary place, I just need to flow and overcome my fears, discipline myself and get things done.
and I promise I will do just that, and I will tell you how I did!"

Take care

C

Trust

I think I never quite really understood the concept of trust.
Maybe I have mistaken this concept with others that are familiar.
I guess I tend to "trust" people who are honest, hence, they tell the truth.
However, I am a strong believer that some truths are better left unspoken and this might not imply a breach of trust.
Examples of this, include situations where by telling the whole truth you are transfering guilt of knowledge from one person to the other.
If the information does not being benefice, and the lack of information does not bring harm, it might be better to prevent communicating, to avoid causing unnecessary suffering, where it does not need to occur.

But to trust people goes further. It is not limitted to what is said and done. I believe that the way actions are taken play a big role in trusting someone.
The goodsense.
Jane Austen's sense and sensibility, is a noble example of how this unfolds in the literature - education veichle.

No surprises

Oh universe.
I could tell you so many things about my "great expectations", but instead I feel that anything I have to bring to you, comes as no surpise.
After all, any emotions I carry are but a shadow of what others have already experienced before me.
I am flustered by the things I have to do.
I am having a hard time dealing with emotions I have been experiencing.
And although this seems to be a more peaceful year, I still feel completely absorbed by the ill energy around me. I hate this feeling. i loathed it. It brings me no peace, instead I choke upon the painstaking task of having to go beyond my borders.
It is a challenge for so many.
Today!
IT should come as no surprise that I have a complete disrespect for myself and all that I stand for, regarding my objectives in life, which appear to be none, if I keep living for the fantasy impossible. Also living for now, seems to fickle and impossible to master...

What suprises are there available?
Fortunately, I bury these feelings up in the cloud.
If one day, somebody finds them, they might ask me, what was wrong with me now, and if I can still recall, most likely I could answer:
"that was a shitty day!"
But was it?

Stop and ponder on that thought for a moment!

...

I have life
I have health
I have friends and family
I have people that care for me
I have a home and food at every meal
I have 2 jobs and plenty of opportunities to expand my knowledge
I have love
I have time
I have joy
I have you

But still, I feel the frustration of not being able to clear the chains that prevent me to go further.
And with this cloud of dust that is building up around me. I am ready to say: That I hate this feeling, and I want it out. Purged from my existence.
It is telling me that something is terribly wrong, and I feel trapped, unable to say or do anything.

Oh pew!
Big suprise there

Fear

Hello dear ones.

Its fear again.
I don't know exactly why.
I can try and give it a name, or a reason, or an entity.
Perchance is the fear of being alone. Nah, it can't be. I have friends. I share my house with a friend. I get around with people from work, from school, from my family. So I guess that is covered.
It might be my masters. Hell yeah! That has been a bummer. A terrible nuisance. But I can end it, any time I want. I just need to quit.
Maybe I do not like to quit. It makes me look weak. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like there are things I cannot do. Well, I know that I have limits, and that there are many things I cannot do. Like doing the tour de France, or going to the moon, or flying a plane. I mean, I think if I had my heart into it, I would find ways of doing them.
Maybe what is really going on, is that I do not have my mind into anything. So I guess the fear is running deeper than the common outer shell. What is bothering me is this continuous lack of purpose.
A fear of emptiness, that for the last decade or so, has been filled with outside sources.
Its not from the outside that I am going to be fulfilled that is for sure.
So, I think that the fear in me, can only be solved by me.
Thanks for tuning in.

C

To be

"We are neither malevolent nor benevolent"
but, I think you knew about this.

So what am I?
A shadow, an echo?

I know thee. You want to be loved and adored.
But it is not by anyone. To be love by common people, will not make a sign of difference.
Pity! There are so many "common" people who would make your day worthwhile if only you would give them a few minutes of your time.

Perchance you assume that the people who you know, or whom you think you know, have a high value.
Do they?
The lesson this week, is that you have nothing but illusions.
Maybe last year's lesson, was that you were receiving love, when in fact you were only an entertainer. Somebody, whose charm and wit is worth spending some time with, but heaven forbids of a lifetime with you.

I guess, that the story is no different now. The main difference is that the game is completely open. So open, that your defenses are starting to crumble.
It will not take too long until the shadows take over, and you will be again mush, in the hands of those, whom you so blindly put your trust in.

What is it about these people that makes you want to give so much of yourself?
What possible illusion do you fabric within to make you want to dive, deeply, into the shadow.
There is not much you can add to this strange and sad affair.
I guess it is always the same.
First few days, weeks, if your lucky, months are times of joy and contentment, and then something caves in.
The patience on the other side crumbles.
Oh well, maybe this too is all an illusion.

The curse about this condition of mine, is that it prevents me to understand what is really and what isn't.
I end up feeling like a puppet, doing all that I can to please others, hoping so deseperately not to be abandoned.
Not to be abandoned.
Where was I abandoned?
Where did I lost my self-esteem?
Where did I misplace my peace?
And why do I keep searching for it in others, that soon enough get bored, and send me way, with the excuse that they are not good enough, for the likes of me, who turns out to be so extraordinary, that I do not even register in the count of love and passion.

So, who am I?
Just another boring man, looking for a purpose.
I am tired of this.
Soon, I will be sad
And the history will ciclical, repeat itself, because I have no faith anymore.

To deserve

Definition of DESERVE

transitive verb
: to be worthy of : merit <deserves another chance>

intransitive verb
: to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital <have become recognized as they deserve — T. S. Eliot>
— de·serv·er noun
See deserve defined for English-language learners »
See deserve defined for kids »

Examples of DESERVE

    <the team really deserved that victory after the way they played>

Origin of DESERVE
Middle English, from Anglo-French deservir, from Latin deservire to devote oneself to, from de- + servire to serve
First Known Use: 13th century

So, I guess that when someone tells me that I deserve to find something, it must mean that I have done something good.
Why do the same people who claim that I deserve something good, then find a way of staying away, and keeping distance.
Most likely I have done something bad, and therefore I do not deserve their company or their attention.

People say all nasty things to feel good about themselves.
I imagined that people at the human resources of a company that is laying off people, must be the most cynical and hypocrite to avoid getting bashed by those unfortunate to lose their job:
"you are a really good asset, but the timing for the company is not just right, we hope that you find a wonderful job, with the extraordinary set of skills you acquired"

Another group of people are the ones that smile in front of you, and pretend to be very interested in helping you out, and then at the first piece of evidence they start to fabricate innuendos to create a fog of credibility around you.

I guess in the end we deserve the people we relate to the most. if they are bad is because we are attracted by the style and if they are good is because of the same reason.

So I guess I deserve people who think I deserve someone rather than themselves... because lets face it, I am such a nice person within that what I really deserve is someone better.

I am sorry I cannot be with you, you are too good to me, or wait, I am not good enough for you.
Perhaps the timming is not right. I would love to stay with you, but I have to put my hands on the 4:37 train that is arriving from Paris.
Tell you what, why don't you stay here, tell me all about yourself, while I leave the room, never to return.
I guess that in the end, I deserved just to be here alone, contemplating how good I really am.

Letter

Dear Ms. Botticelli,

I was rather found of your visit last summer.
It was such a thing of fate for both of us to arrive at Ulysses's Town on the very same day and to enjoy Persephone's company, who so kindly introduced us.
Please forgive my presence at Baccus fair during the sabath, but I could not resist on planning a short visit to indulge myself on a few rich moments of your company.
Alas your winds were not blowing toward me as you were rather looking out to enjoy your space and time without intruders.
Still, after all of these strange events of chance, I am pleased with the final outcome.
Driven out of a midsummer's dream, I confess that this short but intense journey out of my daily affairs produce a rather strong feeling, one that I so seldomly experience.
However, among all the tears, among all the hurting, among all the madness of believing in the possibilities of utopia, among all this and more, I welcome the price, because to experience a special kind of love, is rather unique.
Most of all, thank you for letting me in, even if it was just a few hours, it was incredible what you granted me to see and feel.

I remember you fondly, wishing for a possible dream.

Kindesst regards,

C

Leaving your love behind

How quaint is the feeling of being in love?
When it is rewarded with a mutual love, it has no comparison with what dreams may come!
I am a faithful advocate that reality is stronger than fiction and as such any live experience is by far fuller than any representation.
On the extreme opposite, we may find the harsh feeling of being abandoned by a love, or having to leave a love behind, because you have no other chance but to accept the end.

This reminds me of the grim days of feeling the loneliness of a sad departure.
Oddly enough, it becomes more painful when the separation is unwanted by both parties.
But this reality, today, determines that the will of our times is stronger than the will of our hearts.

We cannot change what does not depend on us.
We cannot alter the will
We cannot change the determination
We cannot erase what is written in the minds.

We can plant a seed, nurture it and enjoy whatever will be, will be.

the world is a far more beautiful than what I have dreamnt of

One can argue beauty from the eye of the beholder, after all to each is own, and beauty has a set of standards that are subjective to all those admiring, said beauty.
However the world, with all its complexity, with all its diversity, with them countless shades of joy, throughtout time has been able to evolve to its own independent beauty.
I know that I can neer fully grasp or realize all of it. Nonethelss, I can stop but wonder how incredible is this world of ours, how vast
What I have seen thus far: the shifty rivers, the majestic mountains, the colorful vegetation, the energetic animal kingdom, all this and more is enough to produce millions and millions of words worth of descriptions and accounts of experiences, which, in my opinion will always pale to the life experience itself. An event that implies that each of us gets up of bed, each morning and dive into the world's countless possibilities.

A short side note.
I have suffered.
Recently.
I guess that what frustrates me the most is the blindless that overtakes me, when I am in my grief periods and stop realizing all these endless possibilities, all these extraordinary affairs of beauty.
I think that when I am taken to that sad place of darkness and loneliness, it is by far, the hardest punishment I can bestow upon myself.
I do not deserve it, nor do I want it.
Instead I want to be able to ride it out, like the surfers do the enormous waves, with each single tide.

Of this much I am certain, I always dream of a better world than the one I see around me, but being in the wilderness, realizing how every little atom is connected with the following to make the fabric of our existence, makes me understand that there is a far more amazing world out there to be discovered than the miniture version I have been living on. I just need to get out, each morning and take a moment of time to appreciate it.

I don't even dare to start describing what I see, as it pales in comparaison to the experience of being here and enjoying it.

... and then she stepped aside

Angels are curious creatures that received god's light to freely roam the universe and enlighten those in darkness.
Now darkness can show itself in many ways, one of the most common is the oblivion of the soul.
Usually it occurs when Man forgets his purpose, his value, his strength, hence we becomes trapped inside his own eclipse.

Yesterday an angel revealed herself to me.
How odd that such unique creature should find interest in me and grant me the most unique gift of inspiration.
Mind you, that this not make me a visionary for the future, less alone understand the doubts from the past.
This seed of light instead allowed me to unfold some solutions for the present.
This most precious gift was revealed in the form of a merry dance, then throught kind words, then through embrace...
and then she stepped aside.

The world seems to hold so much more promise today.
The angel roams still among us, perchance you will be lucky to receive a visit and be inspired too.

In the aftermath of the inner storm

I was away for the past week.
During this time, I was granted a unique journey into my inner being.
The medium was the ocean, the carrier was the mystic sahara, the heading was myself.
The questions in me that remain answered were the unwanted turmoils of the sailing to a inner-peace.
As I return to civilization, or to the disorder of a well established society, it depends of your point of view, as i return here I realize that most of what is going on is completely irrelevant to me. In fact all that matters is my focus with who am I.
While I was facing the massive vastness of a seamless endless ocean, I could hear the sound of my voice in my head answering to those questions that so often strike my day.
The purpose of it all.
Why suffer?
Why hate?
Why love?
Who am I?
The questions seemed then quite pointless, because in fact the only truth that I could explain to me was there is an end, as there was a beginning.
The only thing that I know now, is that I will end. This will be my end, 10 years from now, tomorrow or 50 years, it does not matter. The purpose is all but account for what is going on. This account I define by the choices I make and the role I live. Also the attitude I choose to have and face a bitter-sweet reality will determine how have I been living.
There are always possibilities.
I guess that most often I choose to blame the outskirts of my life, rather than focusing on the positive reprecussions of any choices that I have had.
Last year, I had the time of my life, and then it was gone. The choice of view can be, I will never have it again or at least I had that unique team and I can mve one to find new experiences.
The truth for all is that everything is temporary.
Like currency, we exchange moments every time. Sometimes we enjoy it more than others, but so oftenly we dwell on that which we lost rather than accepting that which we still have, even if the little that we have is the priceless treasure of time we consume every single breath we take.
I want more life. But most of all I want to deserve it, thanks to a better attitude.
I do not want to consume others, rather I want to be a part of the process that makes all of us grow.
I do not expect the outside to justify what goes within me. Instead I want to bring some of what runs inside me and let it blossom here with you.
I agree that there is no better half away from us. We are wholes that carry in us the seeds of contentment as well as the tools of our misery.
If only we knew which to use in its proper time. There is no more misery than that of lost time, as the last drop of breath leaves us and gives us no more chance to change a second in this life. But there is all the time of here and now to plant those seeds and prevent the misery from ever taking place.
We will die, but at least we have lived.

I guess my turmoil these days has been, how far have I lived and how much more can I dare to live
What is the pain that is involved in living if we cannot appreciate the moments of love and happiness that we stumble.
I feel that happiness is just there waiting to be deployed, at any single moment.
And all we need to do is accept.
Some things we cannot change
Some things we can change
Some things won't change even if we do.

Words remind me of you

I desperately want to get you out of my head, but unfortunately your memories linger on.
Why do you have to linger?
Why does your presence remain to torture me still?
Your physic left me over a year ago
Your will left me one late september morning
Your mind left me in march, with a thank you
But all your residual existence taunts me still.
What did I ever do to you?
I think I did nothing much to you.
Conscience dictates that I might have neglected words, who, like myseff towards you, obcessed compulsively about a possible present that I denied on the ground of unfortunate nature.
Alas, vengance has a sweet hold on me, and I am now tortured by the same lingering thoughts I left on to others to overcome.
Today, I cannot read the word cosmonaut without reminding of a specific time that you somehow used it to refer to some ironic aspect of your life.

I am now on a vaccation, that was supposed to be a blessed pause, but unfortunately your memory visits me over and over again.
What must I do?
I do not call you
I do not see pictures of you
You are rarelly mentioned on my conversations.
Why do I hold such a painful reminder of you?
Selona, Korcula, a flag, a child smile, cosmetic salon,
I hate this taunting
I do not want it
I do not deserve it
It makes me a bitter and more cynical person
I lose love for life

I guess, dear one, that in the end, I realize that these, my nightmares are only a figment of my imagination that I cannot shake, and to which I am the only one to blame.

I think the price of loving you is higher than what i was willing to afford
Now the consequences remain, and sadness, loneliness and a feeling of being lost accompany me like the revolving moon, which regulary shows its presence.

maybe one day, you can fathom any of these recollections.
For now, you don't give a damm, because you released yourself from the burden of my presence.
I wish nothing less, than release me life from the memory of you, which clearly brings me no value. Instead it underlines my weakness, which at this rate is impossible to bury.

The happiness we shared no longer was worth all the sorrow it caused.
I know now that trust must be earned and not given  to those who do not deserve it. For those who earn easy, expend easily that which they have obtained.
And you had me too easily.

Never again!

To edit a simple story

How to edit.
How to tell the story.
How to overcome the barriers of the elements that are overcrowding the stage of the untold story.

I guess people are expecting me to produce something good, something great.
Maybe I will, but maybe, just maybe... It will not be what they are looking for.

I need to quiet down the Earth around me.
I need the miracle of inspiration.
Perchance to dream, or live the dream.
Moreover, reality is just a step away from becoming a nightmare.
Well, that is if I lose the grip on what lies ahead.

I want to help whom I can.
I want to rest.

"Rest I need"
But there is a long way for me still.

People have been disappointing, others have been surprising.
All and all, I am betting that I surprise and disappoint in the same amount aswell.

So, maybe, I should just rest a few more hours, and get back to possible things.

The right to pursue happiness

Today I met a couple.
Their story moved me.
A young couple who recently decided to get married after a year long relationship, even though their story had many unique details that lead them to the inevitable conclusion of a formal sense of union, in the presence of their loved ones.
I guess the sentence that striked me the most about their love, has the awareness of the importance of the details in the lives of each other and the impact they have for one another.

The darker side of this beautiful story is the need they have to share it with the ones that matter the most for them, and how it is so difficult to overcome the prejudice that lingers in the ones that do not accept what lies beyond their borders of knowledge - no matter how limited this knowledge might be.
If there is something that I have been learning recently is about uniqueness. Each of us is unique. Each of us has a time of events that occur specifically at a given moment. That moment will be gone, whatever reenactments you might wish to do will not be comparable to that moment.
So, to choose not to attend a specific moment of importance of these two people, will not be possible to repeat in the future. The action of contempt for that moment cannot be erased.
My opinion, is that for the right of happiness all you need to do is being consistent and truthful with yourself and put the action that completes that though it to play. If others have problems accepting their choices, that must not be a block to go fourth.

That being said, it does not mean that the present is in jeopardy, even if moments from the past are lost, because you can always take steps to make mends of what was lost. And although you can't change the impact of your action, you can promote new actions that start to balance what was lost and eventually show the path to recovery.
We have to stand by the people we love and the choices they make for their happiness. It is their life and we are committed to make it as happy as possible.
Whatever dreams may come. this speech of awkard tales is about, if nothing more, recokning with the right of every one to be happy with the choices each one makes as long as no direct harm comes from it. If the harm of another is driven from a self sense of prejudice, then its the person with prejudice who is responsible for "his" pain and not the set of choices.

I expect that this couple may overcome the walls that stand between them and those they love, so that they might enjoy their own sense of happiness in the company of those they love, and should love them back, no matter what their dreams may be

Deadlines

Hurry up mr. student.
Time is ticking, the pressure is rising.
Odd enough, the pressure tends to make me work harder to achieve my goal.
It does not matter that i have a thousand days to deal with my situations, i rarely do not solve them when the time is dreadful close to its end.

What it is about this pressure that is so necessary to have me produce what needs to be done, even though I hate the fact that I am being pressured. But somehow, I am able to do it.
This drives other people crazy, and I think it is not healthy for me.
I wish I could work without coming so close to the dreaded deadlines.

No magic here, only wishful thinking. It does not mean that anything will change.
In fact the only thing that changes is the time to the deadline. It just become shorter! Again!

There are places I will remember all my life

"There are places I'll remember all my life!
Some remain, not forever and some are gone"

To live is to experience.
To those in pain, it must be rather difficult to grasp this concept.
Because pain is such a powerful and disturbing experience that seldom leaves any room for any interpretation other than pain itself.
But believe me that pain is also part of the experience. Through pain we learn that fire can harm and that spikes pinch our skin and that hunger is a slow pain that grows within calling for the self perservation of the one experiencing it.

Fortunately, the world is not made up of feelings such as pain, but instead it is filled with a vast amount of possibilities to experience. Some quite brief others seemingly eternal.
We do not need to move far to experience the wonder of the experience of being alive.
At times, all it takes is to walk on our neighbourhood and try to count to amount of smells, colours, sounds, touches we will encounter.
I guess the most troubling thought of all, is to assume that we take all this for granted.

The experience implies two things:
First the object, person, place, moment must exist or occur or be present
Secondly, we too must be there. It will not matter if it occurs and there is no one there to experience it.

To assume that all that is, will exist forever, is to blindly ignore the value of the uniqueness of each moment.
I accept that somethings will be bad while others will be good.
I will not deny that the relationship of good and bad will depend on the point of view.
After all, everything is relative.
A breakup must be a grief for a person and a relief for another.
A death might be the grief for those that experience the loss, but it may just be the final consequence of being alive which in the relieves us all, with a unique perspective story to tell.

Because it is uncertain if we ever get a second chance to come around, it is best to assume that this time now, is unique and we should make the best of it, with what seems fit. - If I want to read, let me read, if i want to sleep, let me sleep, if i want to experience the grief of a long lost love, let me dwell on the inspired loss of said grief. All is granted, as long as it harms no one. Society does not appreciate that.
But we should not live on just what society expect us to do. After all, societies evolve and they are made by the unique creatures that at a given moment are there to tell the tale.

I will rest now, with the fair conscience that i am doing my best to enjoy my stay here, with you.
I am far too lucky to have been granted the plethora of feelings.
The pains and the rewards
For all that is worth, they make me more human. Nor better nor worse. I evolve just as I have to and hopefully along the way, I too can be a unique experience for you, as undoubtly you are to me.

Some memories

I wish upon myself, to rid of my personal demons.
It is not fair to others that I prey on their souls due to constant insatisfaction of my weiry ill conceptions of the world.

The people that I am attracted to do not have to love me.
I should not get the respect I think I deserve, just because I want to.
Life is far more interesting when I am involved, but it can be interesting if I do not force myself to pay attention.

Door

It is a common brown door.
I would guess that it would measure 2,20 meters high by 80 centimeters with 3,5 centimers depth.
with uneven somewhat parallell dark brown lines the door has a symetrical knob on both faces.
They have a combination of cupper and nikel, having seen one too many hands

Words never spoken, paroles jamais lu

The mother of my friend died.
The prolongued wait is over. The grimm fate has now become the ultimate relief during these last moments of grief.
Little do we know of the loss our origins. Perchance they remind us of our own mortality and thus how close our end is.
I have little or no words to share on these occasions.
The hypochrisy of offering any consolation is of little use to those who are in dire times.
I wish I had more inspired words.
Words that somehow could find their way into a thirsty soul and provide a new map to the richest river within.
I too long to hear these words.

A love that never was

I am mad about love.
I am mad to love those that do not deserve or clearly do not long for my presence in their lives.
And yet, my love is there to give.
The focus of such love is painful to find a harsh iron door that stands between me and a desired fate that never was.
What words could possibly unlock that door?
What comfort could I give that would put me in a better light than before!
Granted that my words, thus far have only caused chaos, confusion and fear.
And my actions have only proven a weakness that I am too ashamed to admit, but to which I cannot ignore.
I am not a ill or crazy person.
I just had a lot of bad luck with my love life.
I guess I go to deep for a prize that is not there.
It is frustrating however, to visit the same feelings over and over again.

I wish I had the courage to come up to you and inspired say to you all the passion and frustration that comes from my heart.
The passion of seeing you day after day after day, and every day having to realize that it is not to be.
I wish I was stronger and would not sucumb to the feeling of rejection, I always do.
I wish I was not a coward that would hide behind words and jokes only to receive the prizes the cowards deserve, oblivion.

I wish I had the chance and I could use it to prove that I deserve more than what you are willing to give.
I wish I could come into your world and rebuild a bridge between us.
I am tired of being mad about you.
I am tired of being meaningless to you, as transparent as a glass, as insubstantial as the hot air, as pointless as a sphere.
I wish I could make you smile a true smile.

But I have learned that we cannot change the fate.
And all that I do, is remind you of the wackyness of strangers, that deserve no respect
And all that I am is a fool in love with the painting of you in my mind.

Be well, wherever you are.

Insubstantial padgent faded

Thursday evening.
I guess, I am one too many times consumed by remorse.
A remorse that know no bounderies or relates too no actions.
Perchance it is a guilt of a sinful character driven from an ill perception of a faded view of a once too perfect world that was to be replaced for a now too real world.
Tiring as it may seem, this the reality that leads me to cope with the world.
I have friends, but they seem far, even in the room.
I have family, but I can't really relate.
I have a home, but I really don't nurture it
I have a life, but I roam through it as a ship without a course, carried by an ill wind that leads me to unknown lands.
I aspire to be the best, but I do it always in comparaison.
I am too lazy to overcome my flaws.
I am too weak to actually care for who am I.
They are too busy to hear me speak about this ill perspetives but every now and again I am tormented by them.

No really problem taunts me, but I dread the scent of life
No really curse is laid down on me, but I live in the shadow of giants.
I wish I could be brave enough to change, rather than the greedy man that looks to the neighbours gold.
It is not any precious metal I am after, but I guess I have no real clue of what it is I aspire.

The love of people comes to me in many forms, but I am sick
I lay myself low.
"Lay your hands on me"
I feel lonely in the croweded city.
There is no true substance.
Tomorrow I will witness the theatre alone, out of 8 people, all of them had higher responsibilities to bare.
All of them have valid reasons.
The disease comes from thinking, that myself, I am not a valid reason.
Oh certain as there is a rabbit hole, i feel that I am sinking lower and lower, only to aspire one day to arrive to my home.
My home were my sanity lives.
My home will accept me
My home will be the happiest vessel where my soul can lay its grief and return purified.
So I write over and over and over with grief always feeling that I am the poor soul that no one gives a them
I am so tired
Emotionally
the carnival is over
it has been over for a long time
a pangent faded
no road, nowhere.
I lay here beneath these sheets of comfort burying my lovely.

Acceptance

What are the possibilities of one accepting oneself?
I guess it is impossible not to accept this fact, after all we live with "ourselves" each day of our lives, so we are pretty much stuck with it.
Accepting the good and the bad is the best way to start enjoying the rest of our life.
We will never be perfect but are not all that bad.
We are what we can be.
We will never please the lot.
We will never be hated by everyone.
So, I guess that somewhere there must be someone who likes me, just that somewhere, besides my friends who already have my love, there must be someone else who will deserve this love.
It is not a perfect love
It is not all that bad.
I guess if I accept that I have love to give and to receive the possibilities in life are charming.
Mind you... that despite the fact that I too hurt, I am not keen on going back on that avenue again.
Even though, I am sure that new characters will trick me, just like the old ones did.
I guess I always want to believe that someone is good enough to have all of me...
Much like that sweet sweet song.

All of me,
Take all of me
Can't you see
That I am no good without you...

So, I accept this!
Do you?

Miracle

Perchance miracles are wanted.
Tired of anxiety and disconfort, but this does not come as a surprise.
I just need will.
Tired of all there is to do, and the lack of will to it.
The Flashbacks have returned, I am frequently there
The beach
The city walls
The smile
The embrace

I am cursed with memories
I am cursed with low will
I am blessed with everything else.

Friends

I don't think I have ever told you.
But I am too lucky to have the friends that I have.
Someone once told me, that we attract to our lives the people we want.
I have no idea of what I wanted for my life.
After thirty something years, I know I like having these people, my friends in my life.
Some are near, some are far, but all remain important for me.
I do not remember this often and that is a shame because my friends give me so much and ask so little.
I have had my share of illusions and disillusions.
I guess that in my core the light that draw these people near me, never faded and they kept on seeing the light that shines in me that somehow keeps them close, watchful, sharing their adventures and caring for me own.
I guess that soon enough it is time to give them more and more adventures.
I think it is high time for me to start living my life again.
I have been tired of all the drain that these past months had on me.
I was pulled inside out. I gave myself to quickly to a fantasy that was not there.
My friends showed me back the route, back into myself, away from my illusion.
I do not regret the past, I just regret the pain. it took much more than what i wished I could have had.

Just like Jack...

What have I done?
What have I done?
How could I be so blind?
All is lost, where was I?
Spoiled all, spoiled all
Everything's gone all wrong

What have I done?
What have I done?
Find a deep cave to hide in
In a million years they'll find me
Only dust and a plaque
That reads, "Here Lies Poor Old Jack"

But I never intended all this madness, never
And nobody really understood, how could they?
That all I ever wanted was to bring them something great
Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?

Well, what the heck, I went and did my best
And, by God, I really tasted something swell
(that's right)
And for a moment, why, I even touched the sky
And at least I left some stories they can tell, I did

And for the first time since I don't remember when
I felt just like my aold bony self again
And I, Jack, the Pumpkin King
That's right, I am the Pumpkin King, ha, ha, ha

And I just can't wait until next Halloween
'Cause I've got some new ideas
that will really make them scream
And, by God I'm really gonna give it all my might
Uh oh, I hope there's still time to set things right

A letter for Love

I wish i know how to love you.
I wish I know how to let you know this love.
I wish that the beauty of the thoughts I have for you could somehow be translated into words.
I wish that poetry to me as so natural as the beauty of your eyes, your skin, your heart, your soul is to me.
I wish that I could know you better than what I do.
I wish that you could know me better than you grant yourself to do.
I wish to stop a pain that has no true solution but to let it pass as all things do in time.
I wish that frustration was not the feeling that I associated to you.
I wish that the deserving love, that we too should have, could be between us.
I wish I would not speak so much and showed so much more.
I wish that my inspiration could be your joy.
I wish that your joy could be my joy
I wish that the symphony of thoughts that you inspire in me could be translated into the symphony of actions that would unite us.
I wish that to get to love you, I would not need to suffer so.
I wish this feeling could be shared and not stollen.
I wish that this was no illusion but instead a reality
I wish that there was no rejection but acepting.
I wish that you were brave to hear me out at least one time.
I wish my timming was better, instead of too early or too late.
I wish I had stayed quiet in the moments I spoke too much.
I wish I had said the right words when they were needed to be listen.
I wish I knew
I wish I did
I wish I was
The only thing I should be glad is that I know that at least I am.
For all this love has no reward if it is to be spent alone.
These are the only rewards I get.
My muse, you inspired me so.
I do not even know you anymore.
Afraid to be me, I am constantly shaping me.
Perchance one day, I will be just me, and who knows maybe then, you will love me.
But more importantly, maybe on that day, I will love me regardlessly

The bitter-sweet caress of obsession

"I hate myself and I want to die"
I believe that Kurt Cobain wrote something like this.
I have no idea what drives a man to loath so much his own personna to a state of uter repulse for what he is.

There was a time, maybe not so long ago, maybe not even passed, where I too was too obsessed for what certain people though of me.
I would grant them a power they were not even aware they had.
I called it love and assumed that it was the most profound love I ever had felt.
In fact the power was that of rejection and obsession.
It is simple, I would first being to long for the person and then when I would manifest my desire for the person, the person would show her lack of interest for my feelings, and that would make me feel quite upset and sad. I had such an unrealistic perspective of my wonderful qualities that it was unbareable to believe why would anyone would refuse to be with me, for a talk, to get to know me.
I would then believe that these people would know something that I do not know, something about me.
And I would start thinking of what was the view they had of me.
This was the view I was starting to have of myself.
Now this is the part that it is real sick about this all ordeal, I have no idea of what their idea is of me, all I have is my conception of what their idea must be of me. So I would become obsessed about  my lack of value. And this would be the value I would grant myself.
It is so annoying to feel myself esteem so destroyed by a figment of my own imagination.
My little obsessions consume me. They make me think that I can find love here and there, and then when it is all happening in my head, they make me think that I have nothing worth.
These days, I find it easier to put it here, the mad feelings of this character of mine.
I am growing tired of talking about them to my friends.
Several reasons for this.
1) Here is safely public. I tell it to the world
2) I repeat myself too much, on my negative rumblings
3) i have no real-life problems, i only have real-illusion  problems
4) What is my worth?

And so I feed the illusion of obsession.
I am so tired of this.
This obsession is so lonley at times.
It sufocates me.

If at first you do not succeed

I guess, I will never learn.
I always try the same old corners, where I know there is no chance of finding the answer that I am convinced is there.
SO I TRY, over and over again until I realize that there is no answer for me there.
WHY DO I GO THERE OVER AND OVER AGAIN?
Why do I chase old ghosts, and ghosts that could have been?

The truth?

I want to believe.
I dream of what could be, only to realize that it is really only a dream.
The love I think that could be is only happening in my head.
If it is only happening here, in my head, where will I find the one I share my mind with.
Is my mind a place where someone would feel comfortable?

These misconceptions of the world annoy me, they are tiresome, because the clash of real and dream depress me.
When will I dream something that is really, something that can actually be?
I try over and over.
But my dream is never real.
Why?
Because I give to the other, the responsibility of making it happen, but they do not know  my dream, so they have no idea of what to do.
As such, reality will always have dominion over my dream.

Still, I try.
Hoping that someone, someday, will care that I care.

Tic Tac - the sand of time

Its madness.
I can hear the ticking of the digital clock in the sound studio.
The pressure of the time to deliver all that I must, is giving me sound aluccinations.
What is it about this strange twist of time, that makes me feel trapped into an hourglass maze, as if I have no way of coming out.
According to the experts on labyrinth I should always turn the same way and eventually I will get out.
The sound tics and tics.
Is there an way out?
Its madness.
The silent expression of a shout is muting me.
Must go on, as does each grain that passes.

Rejection has such a powerful hold on me

I cannot explain why certain people's rejection affects so much my innerself.
I hate the fact that I completely lose focus on the good things about my life and I stay trapped in a feeling of misery and anxiety which ultimately leads to pain.
I am far from perfect and far from awful. I am as common as they come.
I want out.
This is not a happy time to be inside of Carlos. The problem is the managment of feelings, the management of anxieties.
There is no one to blame.
I just do not know what to do.
I go out
I seek other people
But every now and again, a memory lurks.
And I remember the rejection.
The happiness that was not sufficient to convince another that I could be the one.
This pain now is teaching me that she is not the one, because no one deserves so much pain. and no love can come from pain.
I miss her
I miss the conversations
I miss the dancing in the street among hundreds of people going by
I miss the bytes and the bits
I miss the smiles and the hugs.
It takes time, I know that sooner or later  it will all be well.
Maybe everything already is well.
I am just trapped in a ill ill ill perspective.

People tell me thar I profit from this
compassion
solidarity

i just want to profit one thing
Peace

A bit of peace at last.
That never seems to come, even if I am living in the golden cage.

No cage will ever bring me peace.

... and now he is getting worse

With all the turmoil the goes within, with all the ill views I now have of the world.
he is getting sicker
It is sad, that I am ill
Nothing on my physics but in my head.
and now that he is getting worse, I am in bad shape to deal with all this.

Storm

A year ago, I fell in love.
A year ago, I fell into illusion.

It was lovely
It was tragic.

One day, it was over.
They say to me that I painted a picture of you in my heart
They tell me that the picture I have of you is not true.
That you are not the one I love, but the one I imagine.

I do not want to believe. Because you were so lovely in that summer breeze.
But they tell me to believe, believe, believe.

And to make matters worse, every time I am finding my little bag of peace,
your harbingers enter my world carrying with them the seeds of my consumption.

Tired.

I want to stop loving you
I want somebody to take this pain away
I do not wish this.
This storm that is invading my heart is killing my mind.
Please, my heart, stop.
Let her go.
She is gone.

And the rain goes on... in me.

Peace

Dare I say that I feel peace today?
It is about 5h25 am.

I have been working on the class I will give this week on stereo recording.
A subject matter that is difficult to explain in an exciting fashion to four classes of students.
But I am optimistic.
It has been months since I felt optimisitic.
Typically, I am affraid.
Anxious
Nervous

The sources of these feelings can be explained by different factors.
Heaven knows that it has not been a easy time for my feelings.
But I think I have been allowed to find peace with my closure.
Perchance I am coming to terms with the fact that I do not belong to anyone, rather I belong to myself.

The time now is to find comfort and peace within myself and believe that everything is possible.

"Spock said, there are always possibilities"
Maybe like a fox once told me, things do happen for a reason.
Maybe I did need to experience this amount of grief in order to come out stronger and more confident.
It is true also that I am less trusting than before. It will take a long time until I can trust my soul to any other human, even me...

But I guess, as humans go, we always need to find an external answer to explain that which can't be explained.

For all that its worth, I wish to everybody, who ever had a good feeling for me, the best of times. We all need to experience peace, specially now.
And I love the feeling of reconnecting with this powerful emotion which is the peace within, as if coming to terms with a long lost friend that had gone on such a long journey, and now is returning.
Perhaps, my peace and me can now move on together, to overcome the challenges that lie ahead in the crossroads of time.

Listening to Udistam by Patrick Leonard and Shenkar, two craftsman of the music that translate peace.

It was my birthday

Yes dear ones, it was my birthday.
The most unexpected people dropped a few lines to wish me all the best.
I guess, I must be important to count for them.
So I think it is better that I stay here for a while longer.
There is so much to do.
The world is a mess and, apparently, so am I.
Could a messed up guy fix the world?
James Bond apparently had no trouble in fighting off one of the harshest villains when he was at his worst and he still won. :O)

None the less, I have left behind the social networks.
I live in the wonder world of letters and words trying to assemble a new meaning for my own reality.
I like this corner, it is quiet enough for no one to notice and its also public enough for everyone to pay attention.
If anything, I feel that I can confide with the world, because there is nothing that I am feeling that is new to this world.
Love, Jealously, Passion, Hate, Greed, Happiness, Grief... all these are not invented by me. I am just one more that has the opportunity of experiencing it.
If only I could surpass the condition some of these emotions put me in.

Music playing now: Manteca (Dizzy Gillespie) from Verve Remix 2.

" I never go back to Georgia "

Peace to you all, as I fight off my evil demons.

Benevolence or Malevolence

"We were neither benevolent nor malevolent, Commander koenig.
0ur absolute need was to prevent you
from penetrating the atmosphere of our planet.
so we gave you what you wanted"

Life has given me much.
I have had people who loved me and I have recipricated with my love.
For a moment (day, weeks, months, years), I have wondered in the illusion that I knew all I wanted out of life.

i guess, that I am neither good or bad to deserve what I have in my life right now.
I wish I could account in my soul for all the sadness that has fallen over my spirit.
A sadness that has burned my human side.
I am now more selfish than ever before.
My feelings for others are those of a person who hears just because and not because I truly care.

I am grateful that my parents are alive.
For them I see purpose in being alive.
Some call for me as a light in the voidness of despair.
But I am no more of a light as i am an echo of my own frustration and grief, for not finding in me the true magic that makes the world go round.

I think I have always wished for more.
Not to have but to give and be thanked for it, rather than giving and not be recognized for it.

As you see, dear ones. A true shameless bastard I have become, wanting recognition for the special nature that I was fooled to believe I had, only to discover that I am as weak as the next man.

So if anything my benelovence or malevolence if ever existed in me was only to protect myself.
I could not careless for the other animals that make up humanity, because i see that like me the care so little for one and other.
And as mindless beasts that rule the earth they are powerless as they are unaware of what life is really for.

I do not fool myself anymore into believing that I know.
I only know that I have a meeting with death, to which I hope I am not arriving late.
But as punishment the universal justice will let me endure the suffering and pain of others as a payment for my current insolence.

If anything is left me is a sense of injustice that love brings you no reward, but is seen as weak behaviour and should not be greeted with no other award other than contempt.
For my love for others as little currency in the world today.
and if I could be said to have any value,
my corrupted soul be grief and sorrow is now of little value to anyone else, even me, who is ready to give it away by its true worth - a spoiled soul of a spoiled brat in a spoiled existence, with little more to offer than a few words of illusion.

To you creature, clean spirit, that stole my faith I ask you for mercy, and hope that you eventually return my will.
We shared the universe and for some reason all that I take is an empty bag of sorrow.
I deserved more
I give you the world
You took it all

Crash

We colide every day by avoiding to face each other.
We have our secrets because we are afraid that people take advantadge of us
We forgot what it is to trust because we do not feel trustworthy.
We wish what we do not have even if we know that we have to take it from someone.
It is all about we.

When in fact, there is no we.
we always just see the I!

and when we are together we crash on the I!

Memory Gospel

If I was to die today, I would like you to know that I love you.
I know that it does not matter much to you.
You probably do not even remember me, if you ever come across this.
People might assume that this is my personal fad, but in fact is the ultimate expression of my being.
If you ever wondered what was your purpose in life, let yourself feel the comfort that you were loved, really loved by at least one person, me. I am sure that I am not the only one.
I like to remember you this way, even though it pains me the torture of having to live every day without you, until I die.
But like AJ once said: "love is about surrendering".
Surrendering to the fact that we cannot change the nature of the people we love, as they cannot change our own. That not all the love in the world could heal what was by default broken.
I was mesmerized by your subtle presence in my life, and I thank you for the gift of love, even though it had to come at the high cost of grief. I welcome the grief now, because it is soothing me these days.
In a way it has lost the edge of anxiety.
Now it is more the feeling of a fading memory, like a pulsing light that is now giving way to darkness due to a ailing battery, that for now is growing weaker.
These, my memory gospels are but echos over a voice that want to remember that life can be beautiful, even if they are doomed to be fragments of a life rather than the whole.
But what is life if not the collection of memories that one gathers throughout existence.

You are the gospel of this era.
Thank you for your time in my life.
I guess we follow different paths now.

To die for

No one could have believed that I would die.
Actually, I am very much alive, only to realize that a part of me dies everyday.
The death of the dream consumes my reality in ways that I did not fathom.
I threw myself into the rabbit hole only to realize that there was no world out there.
I deseperately want to believe that I am better than what I feel, but all I face is dark feelings.
If I had the courage I would die, just to live as the coward that I really am... and escape from it all.
It is so tiresome to be me, and to hear this nagging thoughts every day.

I am so tired, that I would die not to listen, not to see, not to touch, not to feel.
The dream collapsed and with it my heart lost all hope for the future.
I live in a grey area, as the saddest character from a Orwell universe.

I grieve for me.
Stop please!

Partying is such sweet sorrow

I wish I could explain this.
Today, I went to a wonderful party promoted by my radio colleagues.
A friend met a former relationship and had a rekindling even thought it was not what the person in question wished.
I know that if I had the chance, I would not hesitate.
When we really love, we should not think about second chances... their either there or they aren't.

My argentinian friend had it right. I will take whatever life offers me.
I had a wonderful time. I danced with co-workers, who will know make whatever judgments they want.
But, I had fun.
But, because I linger with the ghost of Summer Past, I wish she was there.
I wish I could dance with her one more time
And feel the soft warmth of one of our kisses.
Still, I know that I had my time.
And my time was July.
And I lived it fully.
Parting was a deep sorrow then
Partying tonight was such a sweet sorrow, because I know that if she could believe in us, she too would have enjoyed all the wonders I had to share.
Oh well.
This too, eventually shall pass.
For now , I will sleep a fair sleep.

Take care, my immortal beloved.
Enjoy your life, in someone else's arms.
He is a lucky man, if only he knew

Arithemetics does not solve this equation

A few months ago, I was offered with a solution to sooth my loss with the following statement:
"At least you had some words, some people have nothing, they are just left aside with no explanation... they just disappear"
I found it ludicrous, to say the least, that the pain of others could ever serve to sooth my own.
On this regard I have curious thoughts that come to mind.
It is like being on a ship that is sinking, with 10 people, and only 8 fit on the raft. You then use arithemetics to solve the equation - those are older, or those do not have a family, or those are sick and might die soon.
It is like finding comfort in other peoples misery "I am lonely, but at least I am not homeless like that guy". "I lost my two legs and I can't walk, but at least I am not like that guy who is a coma"
How can I ever feel happy for any of these thoughts!?
How can the minus of the other be my plus?
How can the guy is a widower make me feel better for my emptiness?
How can the misbehaviours of others attone for any of the bad feelings I have that are induced by others!
Truthfully, the perspective of looking to the side and see the misery of others is quite annoying and demeaning.
The need to offer consolation on the basis of, it could have been worse is insane.
It is always the option of looking to the empty side of the glass.
My thoughts are. This is as it is. Now I live with it, in the hopes that one day I find the strength to overcome the feeling that haunts me for months.
Tell it to a mother who lost a child :"at least you are still alive, and you can have more, other people can't!"
Can somebody tell me if I am being mad.
Life has many shades of grey, and it is quite difficult to navigate in the foggy waters.
My pain sometimes is so severe that I get blinded by feeling.
My pain is my own.
I am entitled to it.
i live it.
I do not enjoy it
I do not want it.
And will be dammed if your pain or the pain of another will ever take my pain away.
If it did, I would be a dictator, comanding pain around, just to hide my own.

No arithemetics will heal my bleeding heart.
I was trapped by my expectations and the world vanished before my eyes.
Without power supply, I had no energy.
Slowly I take my day to make it better
What really helps is to sooth by actions the other people
Being there for them, tending for them.
Listening
Making them laugh for a minute or so
Be able to rebuild
Not to forget, but instead to honour the memory of who we are.

I wish you never have to feed your heart with the pain of others just to be cool about yourself.
It annoys me so.

Thinking of you

I know you probably could care less but I do think of you, fondly and with passion. Just like the richest man in babylon that lost all its fortune for a siren.
I think about the smiles
I think about the softness of your touch
I think about how all of this is but one possible reality out of the thousands of passionate realities I had envisioned for both of us.
I linger in my mind with all the wonderful sensations we once shared.
I keep a tight and fondly grip on the happiness we once shared. When we both believe on what dreams may come and we would plan realities that seem absured to anyone but that we were both capable of carrying it through and we would then lived by them..
in my bag of secrets, I know that for a second we were the sublime nature of what happiness is meant to be.
I can only imagine from the harshest corners of my soul, what darkness must have been cast upon your heart to dimmed this unique passion into mere
oblivion.
If you only knew how hard i was working to build the bridge between our two worlds. Perhaps if you really knew, maybe one fine day, you would be brave enough to trust yourself into believing. And who knows, maybe then, on that uncommon bridge on the edge of forever we would meet once again, for an eternal embrace flavoured with a common sense of belonging that would be impossible to break as it was so meant to be.
But of these feelings, you will only get fragments of a memory, in the shape of a morning breeze as is reaches your soft cheeks. And on that one day this memory will pass through you, as a pleasant and some what familiar feeling that you would like to hold, but will then be impossible to track, because you let yourself be too pragmatic to work for the chance of happiness.

Humanity

"Leave me with my pain. If this may be the last refuge I have of my humanity, let it be."
Koenig

"These tears I have are tears of love. I am crying but is of my undying love for you"
Araujo

"To be abandoned at the gates of heaven was worth it, for the journey we had together all the way up there!"
Me

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to go through life without this sorrow, without the pain of losing, without the hunger for the touch and presence.
Siddharta's tale is one of cultural shock, leaving the dome of joy into the grimm reality that made him purge all residues of possession.
My own is a life of irregularities.
I have been blessed with many experiences thus far, some feel good and others not so much, but I guess they are all important to shape the person that I have become.
I realize that circumstances led me to cause pain and to receive pain. I guess that neither the ones nor I had any intention of causing pain. In fact that mere fact of being aware of this is another type of pain all together.
The respect and dignity we afford to those we cause pain is off a whole different level, for we may hide ourselves so that we do not have to deal with the pain, but we are never the less reponsible for it, and we should act accordingly to minimize.
But humanity seldom sees eye to eye on what needs to be done.
I want to be more humane, more caring, more giving, and I do not want to be neither a vessel nor a vector of pain. There is already alot of those lying around. Someone has to be incharge with healing.

Today Ma-mut died a bit more

10 years ago, Ma-mut died from an overweight related problem.
He had a companion, Mafagafinha. No one called her that.
She was called many names, Sebastiana, Menininha, or just Linda.
Today, she was euthanized following complications in her recovery from a masectomy.

It is a terrible decision to make, looking into eyes of a living being and realizing that in a few hours she will be no more.
This was not a particulary nice cat, but nonetheless it was the companion of someone.
And now she is gone.

I guess this is a year to learn to cope with losses.
Some due to the dignity of our friends
Others to preserve our own dignity.

The decision to free "this girl" from her pain was made under the assumption that none or little hope of recovery was there, and all that remained were days of lingering pain.
But the dignity of this being should be preserved beyond any pain it might cause us to let her go.
As AJ once said to love is to surrender.
To love is to let go
Mainly is to know when to let go

I just feel that if I keep on letting go, one day, all that will remain is a ill faded memory of what was once the keeper of ma-mut.

out of here

If you were to arrive to this blog with very little or no information about the person who is writing these expressions of character, you would probably create in your mind an image of a very deranged and depressed human being.
The facts you must consider are:
First, these are but expressions that I empathize from all the vibes that reach to me and I channel into words
Second, this is a writing exercise that allows me to expand beyond the borders of my self
Third, I am not human.

After roaming the earth for the past thirty or so years, I have come to the conclusion that I must be from another world and one of these days I must call home and wait for the "mothaship"

For the memory of you

"The virtual surreality

It all starts with a long distance that is somehow shorter than what it should be.
An illusion is sold to the fool, which believes in anything that gives him hope.
He saw himself in a field of dreams, but the grimm reality quickly woke him up.
But it was too late. His soul stayed on the other side and lingers there still.
But no one claims it. It smells of an empty shell cast away on a sea of despair.
The body on the real and the soul on the surreal both waiting to be found.
By you and you alone."

Letter

"Hello!

I wish I had the courage to say these words to you.
The fact is that I linger in my pain, not because I enjoy it, not because I wish it, but because it is rather hard for me to move past this love.
It was wrong of me to presume so much, when you were only ready to give what you could.
I fell in love and you fell out of it.
These situations happened everyday in a thousand different cities with millions of different people.
It is selfish of me to think of only my pain.
Sometimes, I think if I have the right to feel pain, when there is so much more people that endure harder situations. People that would gladly take my pain in exchange for the ache the experience every second of their existence - hunger, war, violence, fear.

My own is just a manifestation of life as it is, in a dome of miscomforts.
Granted that it causes me anxiety, sadness, lack of sleep but it is only life, unfolding itself.
So this is why, I keep this open letter, written with an open heart, here instead of sending it to you.
If you happen to find it, it was meant for you to read it, if not it was only meant to be written.
Much like that classic story about love, this is also a letter of letting go, because the ultimate act of love is being able to surrender the one you care for and let them choose what they want.
I will never force you to love me as I do you. In fact I hope you never love me as I do you, because it would only cause you pain. This is a sick love. It is a love filled with pain and confusion.
It is an obsessed kind of love that has harmed me more than it give my peace.
The reality we lived propelled me into a world of illusion that crumbles down with each passing day.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you.
I try to numb myself with friends, family, job, school and entertainment, but in the after thought I relate it all to you.
The festivities seem empty without your presence.
My successes in life seem like defeats, because you are not there for me to share them with.
Anyone I try to meet, to confuse my hacking heart, pale in comparison to the memory I hold of you.
These writing exercises are all I have of an illusion of communication to somehow sooth my sadness.
I feel like I am throwing messages in a bottle to reach for you.
The illusion of a reunion lingers over and over again.
I guess that the great Edward Louis Severson III sang it best  when he sang:

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,

I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky,

But why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?"

These words can be applied to all those that may have once loved me and by some reason, my lack of feeling for them betrayed their love for me and so now at last I get experience the bitterness of it all.
It is only fair that this moment will pass as it once did for them.
And then, I will move on.
For now, I surrender myself to the illusion that the reality is accommodating a better world for both of us.

All my love to you,

C"

End of magic

I have always wondered if I should give all of myself, without remorse or regret, to the one I love.
I used to believe we should, but we should also be prepared to receive nothing, because there are no certainties about nothing.
Recently I have found out that there are no "I love yous" after a certain age.
The enchantment is gone. Much like when children reach a point in their lives and stop to marvel to all that seems to be magic, so do we stop believing in love.

I made the mistake of believing and jumping with all my heart in a boat that had only one way, sorrow.
I gave all that I could.
Did I?

Perchance I gave too much and drowned the other in a sea of frustration.
I should just shut down this emotion, it only leads to regretting and pain.

I feel like I took my soul to the furthest corners of the earth to find a treasure and just when I got there, I was informed: "I am sorry, but it is not for you. Go back!".
Alas, now I lost my way and I feel like a body without a soul, living in automatic. Filled with a profound sense of selfishness which lingers everyday.
I care very little for others as this sad empty void that grows in me robs me of my magic.

I believe less and less in magic, for I too was robbed of the last piece of dignity my heart had, and as such I continue like so many others in the path of the grey.

A list of extraordinary moments from 2012

A list of moments, events, musics, movies, books that marked 2012, with no specific order

Invisible Dragons
Life of Pi
Elena
Amour
Reconnect with friends
Teaching
Being loved
Cloud Atlas
Croatia
Operation Red Nose, december 02
Swimming at night
Waking up in a middle of a hug
Leonard Cohen at the Atlantic
Promotional Video Believe
The perks of being a wall flower
Completing the first year of the master program
Dead Can Dance
Plitvice Jazeera
Conversations
Being faithful to myself
Untouchables
Christmas Eve
...

I don't know

"Do you love me?
In the beginning yes.
And now?
Now, I don't know!"

Love to love

Yes Mr.
I do love to love
I love to feel that I am loved
Lately what i feel is that I am liked by my friends and family
It is quite good to have friends and family that are willing to share their feelings.
I am still dealing with the rejection from those that stopped caring or never cared.

I ask myself, why oh why?

Fear - that irrational bastard

I fear, my friends.
I fear about my father's health, about the patience my mother has for him as he grows older and becomes more dependent of her. I feel so powerless at times to do anything about it.
I feel like I live in a inhumane society where I am expected to work hard everyday without caring for those who need assistance. It is like a constant run that makes me feel like I cannot slowdown to help the ones in need.

I fear that sometimes the expectations I put on myself are so paramount that I have no idea what will happen if I just stop. I know that the world just keeps on spinning and that the results of my actions will have little consequence.

I fear that I am a lonely creature that expects too much from all others without being able to give as much in return.
I fear that when I give so much is when people return so little, and when people give me so much is when I am unable to provide in the same amount.

I fear for my sadness, because it haunts me unexpectadly.

I fear that my love is gone and all that remains is sorrow, because what is left to see in me is a shadow of a man, bleeding my witt and good humour.

I fear that I must change

Perspective

I wish I could control my perspective.
You might think that I am crazy to say such a thing.
But despite the fact that I can move around and change from a point of view, my inner perspective as dificulty in seeing the world from a different angle.
I guess, that when I was rejected once, I was unable to accept the reality of that matter.
I could explain it.
I could reason with it.
But I could not accept the why
I could not understand what set up such a result.
Much like I cannot understand why did I got fed up of certain relations I had
What is it the factor that makes change perspective?
One day you love, the other you love not.
When do you accept that you were abandoned and decide to move on and not suffer any more?
This is the kind of perspective that I wish I could control.
Ok, I was rejected, so what, someone else accepts me.
Instead of lingering on the thought, why was I rejected, I was so good. I was so happy there.
Why do I think to much about is beyond my control?
Why don't I accept the tao which states, all is forever lost, if one accepts and embraces this fact, the losing part is a reality that one expects but does not have to be an haning sword over our heads.

Perspective, it is what separates the feeling from reasoning.
Oh well!

Point of no return

Hello dear ones!

I can tell you that throughout these past six months I have had some of the saddest moments of my memory.
Friends and advisors tell me that I am the only one to blame, because I fed myself and entire illusion that I was not ready to face a no win scenario. By the time the no win scenario took form, I was consumed by a feeling of complete sadness.
Today, I realize there is no coming back.
I guess that one of the harshest realities that one has to face is to understand that the loved person is unable to love back.
The pain is so severe, so strong.
No one really care. Why should they?
Did I really care for the pain of another?
All we really care is for our own unique comfort.
Yes, I have friends that ask how are you, but they just walk way. They have their lives, their problems.

They don't care if I say that I would do anything for love.
I would leave everything behind for her.
I would do all that I could.
No one cares
Why should they?
They know, they all know that I am past the point of no return.

With all my luck
my friends
my family
my wonderful things

I feel the poorest man in the world, lost for the nonsense of a lack of touch with reality.
No one cares.
Why should they?

It is only me. Happy Carlos
He is made of Iron, no feet of clay
He is a master of puppets
No he is a puppet in the hands of love.

I feel betrayed by my own desire.
I was the happiest man
And now, sadness is my insistent companion.

I hate everybody, not as much as I hate myself for the contempt I have of my person.
why should anyone care?
This is all past the point of no return.
and like that, I die a bit everyday

Today, I am a lesser man

Tears for Vampires

I would like to say that I am a good person, but I feel that I am rather gullible to let the vampires come close to me and just take way all my energy and love and leave me without remorse.
But even after all my energy is taken away, I feel that I am still able to shead some tears for those that hurt me. Those that come into my life and feed on my love and good will and leave without saying goodbye.
It was the best of times it was the worse of times, it was a time to leave me bleeding on the street that has no name, on the city on the edge of forever, unable to find my way back, I was only saved by my trail of tears that allowed me to see the path that I had made.
That river of tears where I am now sailing home, in the hopes that I can recover to be a man once again.

These are such stuff as dreams are made off.

:P
I die in a little pain, everyday, by all those who bring fall promises.

I feel alone in my life.

New Year

There's a saying: "New Year, New Life"
For some strange reason, I feel trapped to my previous life.
Probably the fact the calendar changes from 2012 to 2013, does not account much into providing a new life change.
The fact of the matter is that i still struggle with the same ghosts of last year, I still cry for the loss of meaning my life seemed to suffer and i wonder constantly "where do I go from here"?
I guess the wait of some responsiblities is weighing in, as the deadlines get closer and my will to live up to them is smaller and smaller.
Furthermore it seems less and less clear what I am doing here.
I had plans and dreams that where shattered, and now I look with some envy to people who enjoy there life with such hope and antecipation for each day.

I too want to feel that my life is fulfilled... All I need is to change my perspective.