Loveless year

May all the ones who shed a tear of love for me for the past 365 days forgive me, as I am not worthy of such affection.
My focus has been to endure the loss of my own deception, as I did believe that I had found a love of my own to cherish the rest of my days.
The good news is that I have no idea when my demise is set to occur, the odd news is that the baseless search of a proper replacement came with catastrophic results to those who put their feeling in me.
I deserve love as much as any other fella but I am not able to love by request. The few times I was granted the feeling, I was a victim of its intrusion rather than a welcoming host. Still, on the odd moments where the tune was the same for both hearts singing, I was blessed with the desire of an eternal of bliss of such magnitude.
Sadly, the magnitude of the feeling was not mutual and the length was scarce, which brings me to current times, where love as no dominion, but only echoes with vague promises of whatever love may be can be heard in the dead of night over the digital waves of our time.
My pursuit of love is much based on the "baseless fabric of this vision" - a chance to share without reservation or condition; the possibility of feeling the connection through a wink, a smile, a touch, a sigh, a breath, a single demonstration of affection that would leave no doubt in the path for that most wanted road of love.
The digital airwaves have produced ironic results, a willing partner that had way too many expectations for what dreams may come, and a partner thousands of miles away that could as well be eons out of sync.
And any attempts to rekindle that which was severed exactly one year ago was received with a dire No, on the grounds of lack of reciprocity.
Attempts to approach people that share the same time and space with me have been futile, either if they have a common context or if they are completely oblivious of who I am, and find themselves surprised by the proposition that a complete strange may notice them and is willing to expose himself with the following words:
Hello! You strike me as an interesting person.
If you want to know more, I am there.

Two weeks later
A longer trial, with more facts being exchanged, only to be received with suspicion.
The current  world does not reward the brave fools who dare expose themselves to the possibility of an hello.



And like so many others, these past few summers are tragic to me.
Either my friends are far away, or I feel intolerably lonely by the deprivation of what I hold dear - my sense of conspiracy with a fellow human to inspire awe in a shared fashion.

It is impossible not to be sad for a second, when this day reminds me, of all the possibilities this year could have unfolded, if my accomplice of back then was in tune with me to conquer the world by the mere presence of love.

I guess no new love can blossom if the soil I have to offer is still tainted with the resentment of being a castaway from the voyage I was willing to share with a true immortal beloved.

A purification time is still needed. Maybe soon enough, my passion can be cleansed from all the clogged shadows produced by a path of wishful thinking .

I am getting tired of the constant failures pertaining this regard.
I want to deserve better luck and enjoy all the perks that come with it.

Delightful deceits of August

This month last year meant the end of a dream.
October after that meant the birth of an illusion
And for Christmas I was painfully free from illusions and dreams.
Reality kicked in 2017, but I still managed to give someone a deceitful illusion for the first half of January.... hurray to me :)

Now, I see myself facing what August will bring.
I was never in love with August. It haunts me with strange memories not pleasant.
I saw fires up close in the peak of the summer in 88.
As a boy, the summer, particularly during this month I would watch all my friends go way with their families for awesome vacations, where I would stay with my folks or would be taken to my grandparents house up North where there was not that much to do. Actually there was, but there were no kids my age to play with. So sometimes I would be bored.
In 2012, I saw my dreams being emptied by mere expressions of boredom.

I am trying to change my attitude towards the summer.
I am giving alone time a break.
So I pick myself and head off to the beach and read there.
As long as August does not trick me again in believing that good things will come, I think I will be fine.
But then, in 2013 I had a gift from Spain. Completely unexpected and dreamy for a few months.
It lasted all the way to February of 2014.
I guess there was no deceit there and it was delightful.

My life is like that delights and deceits.
I expect the best, but then somehow inspire the opportunity to spur its worse.
Is it my fault? Am I just a spitting  machine of platitudes? Empty words for full ideas without merit in a real world?
I wonder. I think I can be delightful in any month. But for some reason... August tends to bring me deceits.
This year, August will take me on a tour for work. That will be the delight. The deceit I will be working in motion - Spoiler alert: I bought Dramamine to avoid car sickness.

good grief. This august might make me want to throw up.
Well, I used to throw up on my way to my grandparents place... and that could happen in August... so no surprise there... but the journey then was deceitful. I wonder how it will be

I will keep you posted!