Thinking of you

I know you probably could care less but I do think of you, fondly and with passion. Just like the richest man in babylon that lost all its fortune for a siren.
I think about the smiles
I think about the softness of your touch
I think about how all of this is but one possible reality out of the thousands of passionate realities I had envisioned for both of us.
I linger in my mind with all the wonderful sensations we once shared.
I keep a tight and fondly grip on the happiness we once shared. When we both believe on what dreams may come and we would plan realities that seem absured to anyone but that we were both capable of carrying it through and we would then lived by them..
in my bag of secrets, I know that for a second we were the sublime nature of what happiness is meant to be.
I can only imagine from the harshest corners of my soul, what darkness must have been cast upon your heart to dimmed this unique passion into mere
oblivion.
If you only knew how hard i was working to build the bridge between our two worlds. Perhaps if you really knew, maybe one fine day, you would be brave enough to trust yourself into believing. And who knows, maybe then, on that uncommon bridge on the edge of forever we would meet once again, for an eternal embrace flavoured with a common sense of belonging that would be impossible to break as it was so meant to be.
But of these feelings, you will only get fragments of a memory, in the shape of a morning breeze as is reaches your soft cheeks. And on that one day this memory will pass through you, as a pleasant and some what familiar feeling that you would like to hold, but will then be impossible to track, because you let yourself be too pragmatic to work for the chance of happiness.

Humanity

"Leave me with my pain. If this may be the last refuge I have of my humanity, let it be."
Koenig

"These tears I have are tears of love. I am crying but is of my undying love for you"
Araujo

"To be abandoned at the gates of heaven was worth it, for the journey we had together all the way up there!"
Me

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to go through life without this sorrow, without the pain of losing, without the hunger for the touch and presence.
Siddharta's tale is one of cultural shock, leaving the dome of joy into the grimm reality that made him purge all residues of possession.
My own is a life of irregularities.
I have been blessed with many experiences thus far, some feel good and others not so much, but I guess they are all important to shape the person that I have become.
I realize that circumstances led me to cause pain and to receive pain. I guess that neither the ones nor I had any intention of causing pain. In fact that mere fact of being aware of this is another type of pain all together.
The respect and dignity we afford to those we cause pain is off a whole different level, for we may hide ourselves so that we do not have to deal with the pain, but we are never the less reponsible for it, and we should act accordingly to minimize.
But humanity seldom sees eye to eye on what needs to be done.
I want to be more humane, more caring, more giving, and I do not want to be neither a vessel nor a vector of pain. There is already alot of those lying around. Someone has to be incharge with healing.

Today Ma-mut died a bit more

10 years ago, Ma-mut died from an overweight related problem.
He had a companion, Mafagafinha. No one called her that.
She was called many names, Sebastiana, Menininha, or just Linda.
Today, she was euthanized following complications in her recovery from a masectomy.

It is a terrible decision to make, looking into eyes of a living being and realizing that in a few hours she will be no more.
This was not a particulary nice cat, but nonetheless it was the companion of someone.
And now she is gone.

I guess this is a year to learn to cope with losses.
Some due to the dignity of our friends
Others to preserve our own dignity.

The decision to free "this girl" from her pain was made under the assumption that none or little hope of recovery was there, and all that remained were days of lingering pain.
But the dignity of this being should be preserved beyond any pain it might cause us to let her go.
As AJ once said to love is to surrender.
To love is to let go
Mainly is to know when to let go

I just feel that if I keep on letting go, one day, all that will remain is a ill faded memory of what was once the keeper of ma-mut.

out of here

If you were to arrive to this blog with very little or no information about the person who is writing these expressions of character, you would probably create in your mind an image of a very deranged and depressed human being.
The facts you must consider are:
First, these are but expressions that I empathize from all the vibes that reach to me and I channel into words
Second, this is a writing exercise that allows me to expand beyond the borders of my self
Third, I am not human.

After roaming the earth for the past thirty or so years, I have come to the conclusion that I must be from another world and one of these days I must call home and wait for the "mothaship"

For the memory of you

"The virtual surreality

It all starts with a long distance that is somehow shorter than what it should be.
An illusion is sold to the fool, which believes in anything that gives him hope.
He saw himself in a field of dreams, but the grimm reality quickly woke him up.
But it was too late. His soul stayed on the other side and lingers there still.
But no one claims it. It smells of an empty shell cast away on a sea of despair.
The body on the real and the soul on the surreal both waiting to be found.
By you and you alone."

Letter

"Hello!

I wish I had the courage to say these words to you.
The fact is that I linger in my pain, not because I enjoy it, not because I wish it, but because it is rather hard for me to move past this love.
It was wrong of me to presume so much, when you were only ready to give what you could.
I fell in love and you fell out of it.
These situations happened everyday in a thousand different cities with millions of different people.
It is selfish of me to think of only my pain.
Sometimes, I think if I have the right to feel pain, when there is so much more people that endure harder situations. People that would gladly take my pain in exchange for the ache the experience every second of their existence - hunger, war, violence, fear.

My own is just a manifestation of life as it is, in a dome of miscomforts.
Granted that it causes me anxiety, sadness, lack of sleep but it is only life, unfolding itself.
So this is why, I keep this open letter, written with an open heart, here instead of sending it to you.
If you happen to find it, it was meant for you to read it, if not it was only meant to be written.
Much like that classic story about love, this is also a letter of letting go, because the ultimate act of love is being able to surrender the one you care for and let them choose what they want.
I will never force you to love me as I do you. In fact I hope you never love me as I do you, because it would only cause you pain. This is a sick love. It is a love filled with pain and confusion.
It is an obsessed kind of love that has harmed me more than it give my peace.
The reality we lived propelled me into a world of illusion that crumbles down with each passing day.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you.
I try to numb myself with friends, family, job, school and entertainment, but in the after thought I relate it all to you.
The festivities seem empty without your presence.
My successes in life seem like defeats, because you are not there for me to share them with.
Anyone I try to meet, to confuse my hacking heart, pale in comparison to the memory I hold of you.
These writing exercises are all I have of an illusion of communication to somehow sooth my sadness.
I feel like I am throwing messages in a bottle to reach for you.
The illusion of a reunion lingers over and over again.
I guess that the great Edward Louis Severson III sang it best  when he sang:

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,

I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky,

But why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?"

These words can be applied to all those that may have once loved me and by some reason, my lack of feeling for them betrayed their love for me and so now at last I get experience the bitterness of it all.
It is only fair that this moment will pass as it once did for them.
And then, I will move on.
For now, I surrender myself to the illusion that the reality is accommodating a better world for both of us.

All my love to you,

C"

End of magic

I have always wondered if I should give all of myself, without remorse or regret, to the one I love.
I used to believe we should, but we should also be prepared to receive nothing, because there are no certainties about nothing.
Recently I have found out that there are no "I love yous" after a certain age.
The enchantment is gone. Much like when children reach a point in their lives and stop to marvel to all that seems to be magic, so do we stop believing in love.

I made the mistake of believing and jumping with all my heart in a boat that had only one way, sorrow.
I gave all that I could.
Did I?

Perchance I gave too much and drowned the other in a sea of frustration.
I should just shut down this emotion, it only leads to regretting and pain.

I feel like I took my soul to the furthest corners of the earth to find a treasure and just when I got there, I was informed: "I am sorry, but it is not for you. Go back!".
Alas, now I lost my way and I feel like a body without a soul, living in automatic. Filled with a profound sense of selfishness which lingers everyday.
I care very little for others as this sad empty void that grows in me robs me of my magic.

I believe less and less in magic, for I too was robbed of the last piece of dignity my heart had, and as such I continue like so many others in the path of the grey.

A list of extraordinary moments from 2012

A list of moments, events, musics, movies, books that marked 2012, with no specific order

Invisible Dragons
Life of Pi
Elena
Amour
Reconnect with friends
Teaching
Being loved
Cloud Atlas
Croatia
Operation Red Nose, december 02
Swimming at night
Waking up in a middle of a hug
Leonard Cohen at the Atlantic
Promotional Video Believe
The perks of being a wall flower
Completing the first year of the master program
Dead Can Dance
Plitvice Jazeera
Conversations
Being faithful to myself
Untouchables
Christmas Eve
...

I don't know

"Do you love me?
In the beginning yes.
And now?
Now, I don't know!"

Love to love

Yes Mr.
I do love to love
I love to feel that I am loved
Lately what i feel is that I am liked by my friends and family
It is quite good to have friends and family that are willing to share their feelings.
I am still dealing with the rejection from those that stopped caring or never cared.

I ask myself, why oh why?

Fear - that irrational bastard

I fear, my friends.
I fear about my father's health, about the patience my mother has for him as he grows older and becomes more dependent of her. I feel so powerless at times to do anything about it.
I feel like I live in a inhumane society where I am expected to work hard everyday without caring for those who need assistance. It is like a constant run that makes me feel like I cannot slowdown to help the ones in need.

I fear that sometimes the expectations I put on myself are so paramount that I have no idea what will happen if I just stop. I know that the world just keeps on spinning and that the results of my actions will have little consequence.

I fear that I am a lonely creature that expects too much from all others without being able to give as much in return.
I fear that when I give so much is when people return so little, and when people give me so much is when I am unable to provide in the same amount.

I fear for my sadness, because it haunts me unexpectadly.

I fear that my love is gone and all that remains is sorrow, because what is left to see in me is a shadow of a man, bleeding my witt and good humour.

I fear that I must change

Perspective

I wish I could control my perspective.
You might think that I am crazy to say such a thing.
But despite the fact that I can move around and change from a point of view, my inner perspective as dificulty in seeing the world from a different angle.
I guess, that when I was rejected once, I was unable to accept the reality of that matter.
I could explain it.
I could reason with it.
But I could not accept the why
I could not understand what set up such a result.
Much like I cannot understand why did I got fed up of certain relations I had
What is it the factor that makes change perspective?
One day you love, the other you love not.
When do you accept that you were abandoned and decide to move on and not suffer any more?
This is the kind of perspective that I wish I could control.
Ok, I was rejected, so what, someone else accepts me.
Instead of lingering on the thought, why was I rejected, I was so good. I was so happy there.
Why do I think to much about is beyond my control?
Why don't I accept the tao which states, all is forever lost, if one accepts and embraces this fact, the losing part is a reality that one expects but does not have to be an haning sword over our heads.

Perspective, it is what separates the feeling from reasoning.
Oh well!

Point of no return

Hello dear ones!

I can tell you that throughout these past six months I have had some of the saddest moments of my memory.
Friends and advisors tell me that I am the only one to blame, because I fed myself and entire illusion that I was not ready to face a no win scenario. By the time the no win scenario took form, I was consumed by a feeling of complete sadness.
Today, I realize there is no coming back.
I guess that one of the harshest realities that one has to face is to understand that the loved person is unable to love back.
The pain is so severe, so strong.
No one really care. Why should they?
Did I really care for the pain of another?
All we really care is for our own unique comfort.
Yes, I have friends that ask how are you, but they just walk way. They have their lives, their problems.

They don't care if I say that I would do anything for love.
I would leave everything behind for her.
I would do all that I could.
No one cares
Why should they?
They know, they all know that I am past the point of no return.

With all my luck
my friends
my family
my wonderful things

I feel the poorest man in the world, lost for the nonsense of a lack of touch with reality.
No one cares.
Why should they?

It is only me. Happy Carlos
He is made of Iron, no feet of clay
He is a master of puppets
No he is a puppet in the hands of love.

I feel betrayed by my own desire.
I was the happiest man
And now, sadness is my insistent companion.

I hate everybody, not as much as I hate myself for the contempt I have of my person.
why should anyone care?
This is all past the point of no return.
and like that, I die a bit everyday

Today, I am a lesser man

Tears for Vampires

I would like to say that I am a good person, but I feel that I am rather gullible to let the vampires come close to me and just take way all my energy and love and leave me without remorse.
But even after all my energy is taken away, I feel that I am still able to shead some tears for those that hurt me. Those that come into my life and feed on my love and good will and leave without saying goodbye.
It was the best of times it was the worse of times, it was a time to leave me bleeding on the street that has no name, on the city on the edge of forever, unable to find my way back, I was only saved by my trail of tears that allowed me to see the path that I had made.
That river of tears where I am now sailing home, in the hopes that I can recover to be a man once again.

These are such stuff as dreams are made off.

:P
I die in a little pain, everyday, by all those who bring fall promises.

I feel alone in my life.

New Year

There's a saying: "New Year, New Life"
For some strange reason, I feel trapped to my previous life.
Probably the fact the calendar changes from 2012 to 2013, does not account much into providing a new life change.
The fact of the matter is that i still struggle with the same ghosts of last year, I still cry for the loss of meaning my life seemed to suffer and i wonder constantly "where do I go from here"?
I guess the wait of some responsiblities is weighing in, as the deadlines get closer and my will to live up to them is smaller and smaller.
Furthermore it seems less and less clear what I am doing here.
I had plans and dreams that where shattered, and now I look with some envy to people who enjoy there life with such hope and antecipation for each day.

I too want to feel that my life is fulfilled... All I need is to change my perspective.