Rejection has such a powerful hold on me

I cannot explain why certain people's rejection affects so much my innerself.
I hate the fact that I completely lose focus on the good things about my life and I stay trapped in a feeling of misery and anxiety which ultimately leads to pain.
I am far from perfect and far from awful. I am as common as they come.
I want out.
This is not a happy time to be inside of Carlos. The problem is the managment of feelings, the management of anxieties.
There is no one to blame.
I just do not know what to do.
I go out
I seek other people
But every now and again, a memory lurks.
And I remember the rejection.
The happiness that was not sufficient to convince another that I could be the one.
This pain now is teaching me that she is not the one, because no one deserves so much pain. and no love can come from pain.
I miss her
I miss the conversations
I miss the dancing in the street among hundreds of people going by
I miss the bytes and the bits
I miss the smiles and the hugs.
It takes time, I know that sooner or later  it will all be well.
Maybe everything already is well.
I am just trapped in a ill ill ill perspective.

People tell me thar I profit from this
compassion
solidarity

i just want to profit one thing
Peace

A bit of peace at last.
That never seems to come, even if I am living in the golden cage.

No cage will ever bring me peace.

... and now he is getting worse

With all the turmoil the goes within, with all the ill views I now have of the world.
he is getting sicker
It is sad, that I am ill
Nothing on my physics but in my head.
and now that he is getting worse, I am in bad shape to deal with all this.

Storm

A year ago, I fell in love.
A year ago, I fell into illusion.

It was lovely
It was tragic.

One day, it was over.
They say to me that I painted a picture of you in my heart
They tell me that the picture I have of you is not true.
That you are not the one I love, but the one I imagine.

I do not want to believe. Because you were so lovely in that summer breeze.
But they tell me to believe, believe, believe.

And to make matters worse, every time I am finding my little bag of peace,
your harbingers enter my world carrying with them the seeds of my consumption.

Tired.

I want to stop loving you
I want somebody to take this pain away
I do not wish this.
This storm that is invading my heart is killing my mind.
Please, my heart, stop.
Let her go.
She is gone.

And the rain goes on... in me.

Peace

Dare I say that I feel peace today?
It is about 5h25 am.

I have been working on the class I will give this week on stereo recording.
A subject matter that is difficult to explain in an exciting fashion to four classes of students.
But I am optimistic.
It has been months since I felt optimisitic.
Typically, I am affraid.
Anxious
Nervous

The sources of these feelings can be explained by different factors.
Heaven knows that it has not been a easy time for my feelings.
But I think I have been allowed to find peace with my closure.
Perchance I am coming to terms with the fact that I do not belong to anyone, rather I belong to myself.

The time now is to find comfort and peace within myself and believe that everything is possible.

"Spock said, there are always possibilities"
Maybe like a fox once told me, things do happen for a reason.
Maybe I did need to experience this amount of grief in order to come out stronger and more confident.
It is true also that I am less trusting than before. It will take a long time until I can trust my soul to any other human, even me...

But I guess, as humans go, we always need to find an external answer to explain that which can't be explained.

For all that its worth, I wish to everybody, who ever had a good feeling for me, the best of times. We all need to experience peace, specially now.
And I love the feeling of reconnecting with this powerful emotion which is the peace within, as if coming to terms with a long lost friend that had gone on such a long journey, and now is returning.
Perhaps, my peace and me can now move on together, to overcome the challenges that lie ahead in the crossroads of time.

Listening to Udistam by Patrick Leonard and Shenkar, two craftsman of the music that translate peace.

It was my birthday

Yes dear ones, it was my birthday.
The most unexpected people dropped a few lines to wish me all the best.
I guess, I must be important to count for them.
So I think it is better that I stay here for a while longer.
There is so much to do.
The world is a mess and, apparently, so am I.
Could a messed up guy fix the world?
James Bond apparently had no trouble in fighting off one of the harshest villains when he was at his worst and he still won. :O)

None the less, I have left behind the social networks.
I live in the wonder world of letters and words trying to assemble a new meaning for my own reality.
I like this corner, it is quiet enough for no one to notice and its also public enough for everyone to pay attention.
If anything, I feel that I can confide with the world, because there is nothing that I am feeling that is new to this world.
Love, Jealously, Passion, Hate, Greed, Happiness, Grief... all these are not invented by me. I am just one more that has the opportunity of experiencing it.
If only I could surpass the condition some of these emotions put me in.

Music playing now: Manteca (Dizzy Gillespie) from Verve Remix 2.

" I never go back to Georgia "

Peace to you all, as I fight off my evil demons.

Benevolence or Malevolence

"We were neither benevolent nor malevolent, Commander koenig.
0ur absolute need was to prevent you
from penetrating the atmosphere of our planet.
so we gave you what you wanted"

Life has given me much.
I have had people who loved me and I have recipricated with my love.
For a moment (day, weeks, months, years), I have wondered in the illusion that I knew all I wanted out of life.

i guess, that I am neither good or bad to deserve what I have in my life right now.
I wish I could account in my soul for all the sadness that has fallen over my spirit.
A sadness that has burned my human side.
I am now more selfish than ever before.
My feelings for others are those of a person who hears just because and not because I truly care.

I am grateful that my parents are alive.
For them I see purpose in being alive.
Some call for me as a light in the voidness of despair.
But I am no more of a light as i am an echo of my own frustration and grief, for not finding in me the true magic that makes the world go round.

I think I have always wished for more.
Not to have but to give and be thanked for it, rather than giving and not be recognized for it.

As you see, dear ones. A true shameless bastard I have become, wanting recognition for the special nature that I was fooled to believe I had, only to discover that I am as weak as the next man.

So if anything my benelovence or malevolence if ever existed in me was only to protect myself.
I could not careless for the other animals that make up humanity, because i see that like me the care so little for one and other.
And as mindless beasts that rule the earth they are powerless as they are unaware of what life is really for.

I do not fool myself anymore into believing that I know.
I only know that I have a meeting with death, to which I hope I am not arriving late.
But as punishment the universal justice will let me endure the suffering and pain of others as a payment for my current insolence.

If anything is left me is a sense of injustice that love brings you no reward, but is seen as weak behaviour and should not be greeted with no other award other than contempt.
For my love for others as little currency in the world today.
and if I could be said to have any value,
my corrupted soul be grief and sorrow is now of little value to anyone else, even me, who is ready to give it away by its true worth - a spoiled soul of a spoiled brat in a spoiled existence, with little more to offer than a few words of illusion.

To you creature, clean spirit, that stole my faith I ask you for mercy, and hope that you eventually return my will.
We shared the universe and for some reason all that I take is an empty bag of sorrow.
I deserved more
I give you the world
You took it all

Crash

We colide every day by avoiding to face each other.
We have our secrets because we are afraid that people take advantadge of us
We forgot what it is to trust because we do not feel trustworthy.
We wish what we do not have even if we know that we have to take it from someone.
It is all about we.

When in fact, there is no we.
we always just see the I!

and when we are together we crash on the I!