All the screens are staged

.

Amazing as it may seem, I am quite happy with my stay here in Montreal.
Despite the negative temperatures or the solitude that a trip home brings... Everything is quite good.
Still, I think I am losing touch of my senses.
Hmmm... Anger Management.
I never watched the movie.
But still, I think it should tell alot about my current state of mind.

The feeling of competition is starting to hit upon me. I do not realize if it is because I am the oldest of the class; or if I am trying hard to make it work, so it has to work.
82,5% just made me feel like crap.
I remember that many years ago, I would be glad with every couple of 70% that I could gather. But now, I feel like I fail, everytime I go beneath the 90% mark... Why, because all I do is study, so it should count for something.
Am I demanding... sure
Life will come knocking on my door one day, saying hey carlos what about a stroll through mediocriaty land! Come on, it will be fun!
No, it's not.

Passion.

What can I do about passion?
What is passion for me at this stage?
Does anybody know?
Well that are those of you, who linger on with the notion of passion towards a particular issue in life? What is actually the worth of any passion if you do not have anyone to share it with?

Ok... Confession.
I am pissed...
I do not if it is with me... my colleagues, my routines, whatever it is, it is hitting hard.
And it has nothing to do with being in Montreal or anywhere else. I remember feeling pretty anoyed and pissed in Portugal too!
There is an element of frustration here involved!
What is itself? What is its nature?
I really do not Dr. Lecter!

I feel that I am losing myself in a pool of personality.
What am I? A shadow, an echo...
Whatever I am. I am a copy cat! Because, I just repeat what I am told. Either by a movie, by a teacher, by a friend.
I lack originality.
That is something that is striking me at this course.
I feel that all my creativity is unexistent. A mere vision of what I could have been, somehow!

What do I want to bring to my life?


I want to bring harmony.
I want to be able to be around other persons, and carry on with my life and do not get so emotionally involved.

Competition.
Who am I competing against? Myself, my colleagues? All of the above, plus the rest of the world? I wonder.
I am tired, I am hungry and i am angried. Not with the world, not at my colleagues, not at my friends, not at my family, not even at my sweet cats. I am angried at myself, for acting like a spoilled brat that does not know the difference of styles life can offer, and sticks to one, and presses the gage to full power.

For all that is worth, I will make a small quote....

All the screens are staged, and all the men and women are mere players doing their part.
...
and if you are dismayed, be cheerful now. These our acts have all unendend, and our actors will be melted into air, thin air.
and like the baseless fabric of this vision, it will leave not a byte behind.
This is such stuff as dreams are made off, and our little life is round with asleep!

Oh well!
I better be off then.
The Easter is around the corner.
I only wish I could write somemore.
I only wish I could overcome some hurdles that stand between me and my goals.
I think I will have to get inside the hall of mirrors and look back at all the different reflexions I can produce. Hopefully, one should be interesting enough to follow.

Until then.


cocasman@zmail.pt