Going Back

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The signals for departure had been given, despite the light drizzle that was falling on the plane at the evening. John was grabbing the printed email, with all the emotion that the words written allowed him to have. The news came totally unexpectedly for him, just the morning before. A few lines from his sister telling him, that their father was terminally ill, and that he was calling for him.
It had been almost two years since the last time he had talked to his father. A discussion about the decision to move abroad looking for some sort of meaning, seemed careless in the eyes of his father. However John had a strong feeling in him, a calling of some sort, that impelled him to move away from all his friends, family, loved ones. The need to know himself, to find his place was paramount at that stage.
After he left, the contacts frequency occurred daily during the first weeks, then after some adjustment the news started to come only twice a week, and after that he would just call every fortnight. Eventually one day, communication ceased from both sides, naturally as the routine’s events took place of the thought of who was far. In John’s mind it would be easier to evolve without attachments, worries of some sort, he knew that his path had to lead him away from the family we always knew.
The stewardess came by to ask John to tight is seat belt, however the thoughts were louder in his head than any other colourful action happening around him. Finally, the stewardess touched him to remind him to buckle up is safety belt. In silence, he complied will staring at the words “terminally ill”.
Is mind wondered off to a moment of his childhood.
He was 10, and it was night, as it happened so often, John was watching with his father a late night movie. However, this one was reaching out to the emotions related to death, like no other had done up to then. The story was about an island that had a volcano, that had start it’s activity, killing many people that lived in villages scattered through the island. In the last moments of the movie, the few people that remained were desperately trying to reach the coast of the island, where the last ship would take them to refuge. The main character of the movie, sacrificed himself, so that the group could pass over a fragile bridge, it was necessary for someone to stay behind to insure that the resistance of the bridge. Everybody passed, except that brave person, who eventually was burned by the lava that approached the bridge just at the moment where the last member of the group made it safely across it.
John’s heart was tight, he could not understand the disappearance of the brave man. What was to be of him? Why was he suffering?. A powerful tear eventually came out, followed by a few others, that translated the uneasiness of his feelings.
John? – is father asked, as he looked at him – Are you crying?
Yes. I am sad.
But it is only a movie, the actors do not die. It is only a fictitious story based on events, that did not took place like this.
Dad. What happens to people when they die? – John’s tearful emotion made his voice sound even more sweet.
Well, their bodies are buried, and their soul goes to meet the Maker.
The Maker? – John’s interest stopped the tears, and he cleaned the few that remained in his cheek using the sleeve of his pyjama.
God. Who is everywhere, with all the other souls of people long gone.
How do you know?
Well, I was taught to believe so by my mother, and I would like to think that despite were body stayed here on Earth, buried in a nice old cemetery, were soul is somewhere up there keeping the good Creator company.
Does everybody have to be buried to go see the Maker?
No, some cultures prefer to have their dead people burned, and scatter the ashes through the fields. They believe that they would give back to the Earth a bit of what the person was, what he or she meant.
Are you afraid to die, one day?
His father stopped for a moment, looked to the TV, meanwhile the movie was over, and he started flipping through the channels. Still 10 year old John had is curiosity going for him and insisted:
Dad?
Yes, John! – looking back at him
Are you afraid to die?
Well, ever since I am here, I have never seen anybody lived over 120, so I think that eventually, I will have to die. But, I am not afraid to die, because I believe one the day that I die, I will see my Mother again.
But, do you want to be buried or burned?
Neither – his father replied with a giggle. – Instead, you can just get a big broom and just put me remains somewhere under the carpet… eheh

Another slight touch, brought John back to the present, it was the person next to John, calling his attention to the same stewardess, who now was carrying a cart with a variety of newspapers and magazines.
Would you like a magazine or a newspaper, sir?
No, thank you – replied John, then closing his eyes and turning his head to the window. The plane had already taken off and the rain had stopped, after the plane had crossed the first clouds.
His conscience was heavy on him, the feeling of guilt, isolated him from the world, for a split moment John was alone, gazing upon the despair of his soul. The tears followed each other’s trails spaced, each carrying the guilt of the memories that he had lost from the last years. The pride carried him for the pit of his worse thoughts. Keeping his eyes closed he wondered, upon the reaction of his family, who had not heard from him for months and had not seen him from years.
John’s imagination was running wild, carrying a mix of images that were too strange for the standards of modern society. Still, John felt that the judgment of his brothers, would be similar to that of those in practice in the days of the Spanish Inquisition.
- Would the defendant state is name for the Noble representative of our beloved Church? – a dried voice spoke at him.
John imagined opening his eyes and stared at a member of the Holy inquisition. The place was truly awful in appearance, however all the faces were familiar. He was standing on a wooden pulpit at lower height, while a panel of judges, whose face resembled that of his own brothers were staring at him. The voice that spoke to him, belonged to a man who had been his Math teacher in the University. All the people attending the judgment were people that John had met during the past 30 years, all wearing the proper clothing of the Dark Ages, dirty rags and scratched pieces of colourless clothes.
Are you deaf? – the man shouted back at him
Pardon? – John was baffled
Your name, state your name, sinner!
Sinner, me?
Silence. – the man slapped him and added – sinners will engage no conversation of any sort, it will only speak to answer the questions of our honour the members of the Holy Inquisition. So I ask again, What is your name?
John Phillip.
John Phillip you are here by notified that you are under judgment under the eyes of God, for your sin, of coldness disregard to your community, hence limiting your time to the actions of the devil – the man had a tedious voice, just as John remembered from his old Math teacher.
The devil? – John inquired.
Silence – shouted the man again, slapping him two times – if you keep ignoring the rules of this court, your hearing will be summary with a guilty verdict to be sure.
Meaning? – John challenged the man again
Meaning that you will be burned in the stake to purge you from your evil actions, and allow your soul to sail back to the heavens.
Burn him – the crowd shouted.
The court house was dark and smelly place, lighted by a few candles scattered through the brownish walls. This enhanced the weariness of the folks assisting the Inquisition’s trial. Despite the familiarity of the people’s faces, their appearance with wear out clothes and filthy skins, John was feeling worse by the minute.
- The prosecution may begin – said the main judge, oddly represented by a child. John knew him, but he could not quite identify him.
- You are Jonathan Phillip Livingston? – the prosecutor started, looking like is own brother.
Yes, I am.
Son of Gabriel Livingston and Susannah Walker.
Yes.
Do you know why you are we?
No, I do not!
You are guilty of killing your father by neglect of care.
WHAT? – John screamed – My father is not dead!
Your father died when he needed your assistance, but your pride, your feeling of superiority led you to ignore all that was going around you. You Jonathan Livingston are cold man with a cold heart, whose true interests lie in the dark forces of evil, that take through paths of sloth. You will pay for these crimes
Wait, I can explain – John replied
A sudden bell, brought John back to reality, the plane was approaching the airport, the stewardess was calling John’s attention for the position of his seat and to the belt that was not tied.
The strange nature of the dream left John with a heavier conscience than ever before. All his feelings were telling him that this return home, was going to be even worth than whatever he anticipated.
Upon arrival, John proceed to baggage claims and passed through customs without any worries, his passport was still valid for a few more weeks.
John decided to tell no one about the exact time of his arrival, so that he could choose the right time to face the judging family. A friend of him had told him good things about an hotel called Orion, where he had stayed just a few months before, while visiting John’s home country.
After waiting for his turn for a cab, John talked for the first time in his mother language to the cab driver, asking him to take him to Hotel Orion close to the downtown.
The cab driver engaged John in some casual conversation that helped John take his mind away from worries:
You know that the Hotel Orion is no longer called Orion?
Really? – John inquired
No, they changed the name to Eden Hotel, apparently the management changed a few months ago. I know this because my wife works there as a cook, you know.
Indeed?
Yes. The rich getting richer by buying more and more, and selling it more expensive for anyone that wants to have a crack at a business. This country is a shame, it’s all the government’s fault. They are all the same.
I have heard that there is going to be elections soon.
Yeah! Apparently, the President did not like the discomfort that was happening in the Prime-minister cabinet, with so many members asking to resign. I think the last drop came when the latest minister appointed for office, ask for resignation 4 days after he took the job. The newspapers say it was a stab in the back for the Prime-minister, but I think they are all corrupt anyways, so screw them.
I guess, it is the sign of the times on us.
The conversation continued over some general topics, while the cab passed through streets that are very familiar, though slightly altered, with new advertising. Some trees had been completely remove from some streets, to give place to make park to even more cars to park in the already overcrowded avenues of his home city. Some buildings looked younger, do to some restyling and some work put into them, while others seem older exhibiting the passage of time in its walls, windows and balconies.
The cab eventually arrived to the Eden Hotel as stated by the new signs on the front of the building. The cab driver, helped John with his luggage, and was rewarded with an extra tip for his help, grateful saying farewell to him while adding.
I am going to give you my card, if you need any special services, call this number, I might take anywhere, even back to the airport if you need to. My wife is called Anita, I will talk to her about you Mr.?
Livingston.
You can be assured, that you will be in good hands. I hope your enjoy is stay. I hope you are not too late for today!
Excuse me – John was intrigued by the Man’s speech.
I’m sorry, I must leave, I’m double parked you see. Take care now. You hear! – The cab driver left in quite some strange worry.
John did not knew exactly what to make about all that conversation about lateness. After all John did not mention to any one the exact day of his arrival. No one was counting on him for today.
Those thoughts dissipated while John was checking in at the hotel.
The lounge of the hotel was quite pleasing, having a great width and length, it gave a sense of importance to anyone that was staying there. The number of people moving from on place to the next, gave John a sense of dynamic to the place, feeling that among all those people, guests and workers he would be as incognito as incognito could be.
The concierge asked for John to sign the hotel register sheet, this one looked at him and ask:
Excuse me, are you Mr. John Livingston?
Yes.
Well, I have a package for you. It was delivered not so long ago. Unfortunately, the gentleman who left the package for you left no contact.
John was intrigued. A package for him! How could that be? No one knew that he was staying there, actually no one knew that he was arriving on that specific day.
After completing all the formalities of checking in and being guided through the network of hallways and corridors of the hotel to his room, John took a bottle of fresh water from the mini-bar and drunk it completely.
With his thirst relieved, John turned back his attention to the mysterious package that has left by a stranger.
The package was wrapped with a yellow paper that had bubbles. It was shaped as an envelope baring only John’s name in the front. John open the package, inside was some pictures of John as a very young child, in a kindergarten, playing outside close to some slides and swings. He had never seen this pictures before, they were probably taken when he was 3 or 4. Behind one of them John read in a unfamiliar hand writing James at 4 years old.
Attached to one of the pictures was a small card with a message written into it:
It is important that we talk today, your past is not what you think. Meet me at 9 pm, Café Republika. I will recognize you, signed F.
John sits on the ledge of the bed and looks to back of the pictures. They were reminiscent of a vision that had been taunting him for many years. Something that he never quite understand what it was. Jonh always assumed it as a dream of some sort. However the recollections were so vivid of it, that when he remembers this vision, this dream, he has the feeling that it was an awake dream that he had. John focus on one of the pictures, while stretching on the bed. The picture brings back the memories of that awaken dream.
In that dream he was young, quite young, probably as old as the boy in those pictures. The first image that he remembers was the heavens above. The soft clouds, shaped in many forms under a big blue sky, sometime close to noon. He was lying down in some park. The park was surrounded by buildings, having a street around it. He was not alone in the park. The first sounds that accompanied the imagery are those of children laughing and playing in the park.
Jonh raises himself, but remains sited while noticing that he is also in the playground area of the park. All seems quite peaceful with the gentle breeze in that spring day vision. Suddenly, something change, a certain noise comes, and all the children start to run. John follows the children, having no other reason than his instinct to back him up as an excuse.
They all run from the playground area towards the limits of the park that only have some fences, that the kids easily jump, one by one. Leaving the park behind they begin a frenetic run through the streets, crossing to the left and right of several streets indiscriminately. In his vision, John sees all this in a kind of slow motion flash, while repeating the same movements of the children, following them wherever they might all be going.
Eventually, they reach another park, with no playground, just benches and grass, with a small hill in the middle of it. On the top of it there was a open door, shinning. In the doorstep there was a figure, impossible to recognize due to the strength of the glow that was coming from the door just behind.
The figure seemed to be a middle age male with a bear. The figure was still looking at the children that were running toward him.
John saw the children run one by one towards the door and the man in front of it, as himself was following them to a similar fate.
The children kept on running towards the door, passing the man and eventually disappearing inside of it. John was the last one that approach the silhouette standing, still, unlike all the others that run directly inside the door ignoring the quiet-man in front of it, John stopped in front of him, raising his head to look at his face, still the light was still too bright blinding him. The man stretched his arm to John, and took John’s hand, then both, willingly, enter.
A white noise was heard, and all became dark. John was on the ledge of a roof on a neighbouring building close to his childhood house. John jumped from the building straight to the floor, and just before he reached it, another noise, and this time John woke up from his sleep, realizing that someone was knocking on the door.
It was a woman, a member from the staff.
I am sorry to bother you, my husband just call, I am Anita, the wife of the cab driver who just brought you. I am just warning you that there are no coincidences.
Excuse me!!! – John was not understanding what she wanted to say.
Meanwhile, some guests were passing behind her and she added:
I am just telling you that if you need anything it at all from the kitchen, you can call me at room services, ask for Anita. I must go now. – and she walked fast away from his room and disappeared over the corner of the corridor.

(to be continued)



cocasman@zmail.pt

Shit in… shit out

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In each night I realise that, I slowly let my brain melt a little each day with somebody else’s message carried by the cathode ray tube, that shines behind the view screen in a borrowed living room.
Not a easy thing to live everyday exchanging some words in trade for some food and shelter, or kindness. Where is my kindness?
I think I left it on top of the refrigerator, on a house I once lived. It was quite cold close to that refrigerator.
Colder than the refrigerator itself!
One might think that the purpose of the refrigerator, in the former mentioned mansion was to keep the shadows of the walls from freezing to death, in such an inauspicious environment.
I am not going back there to get it. My self-esteem is also trapped there, somewhere, once some chapter of the past where all was an illusion in the hall of mirrors.
So, I wonder now, in the land of the mortals, who, like myself prey on the souls of those who seek for attention, whose thirst is relieved by sharing a shoulder, a smile and just a few hours of sincere comprehension.
The disease of attention spreads quickly, if one forgets that the road goes both ways, and that what comes in, must go out somewhere.
It is like that process I learn in audio school. You can only improve so much, even with all that machinery at your disposal, there is not a voice enhancer that will make any Joe be an ultimate superstar. Shit in… shit out… they say, the machine can only boost whatever crap you feed into.
And so is life. If for a life a person is fed crap in the form of sentences, we should not expect that the finest heir to Shakespeare thrown is right there, ready to be. We better expect him, not to be.
I have been eating the cathode ray matter for so long, that I can already be the shit spitter. My goodness, I should be careful, or I might be the living proof of such urban legend as the own of the shitty boy, whose head is full of shit. The two possibilities in the legend were, either a fly will enter, or shit will come out thru the hole that was once called mouth.
Disgusting, I hear your skulls shouting. Indeed, it is disgusting.
Do I have any potential than not to complain about life and write about it, sporadically, as if I was a worthy writer?
Who wants to read the words of someone who complains?
Hell, I sure do not. That is why I put them here, so that they live my brain alone, and that if I might see them again, I can feel relieved that the shit the was in, is now out.
I guess I have been enduring with lots of this.
Time to do something about it.
May be a stroll to the bathroom of the mind, where one can purify the thought channels from such revolt.
If only it was as simple as wishful thinking.

cocasman@zmail.pt

Chronicles of the Dark Side - Chapter 2

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Leaving the metal detector area behind, Lord Sidious and Darth Vader proceed to the gate of their flight to Montreal. While, they wait for the call to embark, Darth Vader proceeds to the bathroom.
-Master!
-What is it, Lord Vader?
-I ask to be excused for more pressing matters.
-How so?
-I feel an increase of the force’s influence in the dark side of my bladder.
-Too much information, for my concern. You are excused. However, try not to be too dilatory in your incursion to the mans room on this terminal.
-Yes, my Master!
In the bathroom, Darth Vader, relieves himself from all the needs that his bladder called for, using the mechanical deject extractor (Bladder 9000).
- Bladder evacuation complete. No anomalies found during the procedure.- so said the internal diagnostic unit, which surveys the remaining biological units that are functional in Darth Vader.
To keep appearances, Lord Vader, proceeds to the lavatory to mimic the earthlings custom of washing hands upon finishing their duties in the toilet. After washing his gloves, Darth Vader, looks intrigued to the towel system that is next to the lavatory.
A man who was washing his hands also, notices the confusion behaviour in Darth Vader, while facing the towel system. Trying to help him out, the man says.
-Do you have one of those diseases in your skin man?
-I have no disease. I just want to use the mechanism to try these gloves.
-Oh! I totally understand, you . I can help you out. You must be a latex lover, right? I know all about that you see, my wife was a cousin that he has this obsession in latex, and his always wearing those latex around the house. In your case it must be an Halloween custom right!
-HOW DO YOU MAKE IT WORK?
-Oh! Pull the towel to you!
Darth Vader tries to pull, but he proceeds with care, not to cause too much suspicion and noise. The towel does not move. After a few unsuccessful attempts, the man then adds:
-Not like that! You have to pull it with force. Use the force, man!
Upon hearing these words, Darth Vader immediately turns to the man and grabs him on the neck using just one hand (with a wet glove) to raises him from the floor, asking:
-What are your intentions in this planet? How many Jedi Knights followed us into this system? How did you tracked us down?
The man gasps almost out of breath, while the dark figure in front of him impatiently man:
-Your silence, will not save you, puny warrior.
-I am no puny warrior, I meant force for the towel
-Do not try to deceive me, I am sure that Obi-wan put you up to this. To make a mockery out of me. He can not stand the fact that I am the Master now and he is a weak tutor.
P.A. system starts.
-To all passengers heading to Montreal, the gate of departure has changed, the new departure gate is in gate 9. The boarding for this flight will suffer a small delay. We …
Realising these words, Darth Vader, quickly puts the man down, saying to him:
-You are in luck Jedi, I have a flight to take. Do not attempt to follow us, or you will face your doom!
Rushing back to the previous flight gate where he had been with Lord Sidious, Darth Vader looks for his master, who is looking at the airport plant located at one corner.
-Lord Vader!
-I am here Master!
-Your little expedition to the men’s bathroom took exactly 9 minutes and 4 seconds.
-Yes, Master!
-I am not please. See to it, that you improve your evacuation system. We are traveling on a tight schedule.
-Forgive me, Master.
-Let us proceed to gate 9.
Both of them start a long march through the hallways of the airport, trying to reach their gate still on time. The PA system starts again
-We inform the passengers that the flight to Montreal is now boarding in gate 9. In apologize for any inconvenience.
-Lord Vader, we must hurry!
-Yes Master!
-I will climb on to your back, so that we can move quicker. Use your powers to clear the path, and make us lighter.
-As you wish, Master!
As spoken, Lord Sidious climbed to the shoulders of Darth Vader. Like he was command to do, he used his powers to move people from the way, and even float in some passages. They hovered over a group of 50 nuns who were in line to board a flight bond to Kathmandu. Vader made a whole line of passengers slide to the left, leaving them safe passage. Lord Sidious, from high on top Lord Vader’s back screamed to the crowd:
-Get out of the way, pitiful fools.
They still managed to throw down some more people, when at last they reached, their flight gate. Immediately, Lord Sidious hopped of Darth Vader s back and proceeded towards the lady managing the passengers entrance.
-Hello sir! Good afternoon!
-Oh! Good afternoon! Did you hear that Lord Vader!? The young lady speaks of a good afternoon!
-I am sorry sir! I did not mean to offend!
-THIS AFTERNOON IS NOT HAPPENING AS I HAD FORSEEN. – Lord Sidious shouted with such a loud tone, that people heard his voice on the far end of the hallway. The voice was so powerful that the echo came back as “seen, een, een…”
Finally, both boarded their flight and proceeded to their seats. As they expected, they were separated by one passenger. Lord Sidious, tried to use a diplomatic way to approach the problem.
-Kind sir! My friend and me would like to travel together, since we have pressing matters to discuss, during this flight. Would it be possible, if you move over to one of the sides!?
-Listen Bozo. I bought this ticket, and I ain’t moving, got that. Now, just sit down and enjoy the rest of the flight in the places that have been assign to you.
-Dear sir, I see you have no wish in cooperating with us. I must insist that you relinquish the seat in our behalf.
-I told you old man! You and your black doll there will just have to sit on your assigned places.
Darth Vader immediately, pulls out his light sabre, cuts the obnoxious man into 5 parts, proceeds to the toilet room, and comes back in 5 seconds.
The rest of the passengers observe in shock to all of this. As the first female passenger prepares to scream, lord Sidious focus his energy into a collective trance, saying in a monochord voice:
-HUMANS OF THIS FLIGHT, YOU DID NOT WITNESSED ANY OF THESE EVENTS THAT LEAD TO THE DISPOSAL OF OUR FELLOW PASSENGER.
-WE DID NOT WATCH ANY OF THESE EVENTS THAT LED TO THE DISPOSAL OF OUR FELLOW PASSENGER – the passengers said in a unisons voice.
-YOU WILL GO BACK TO YOUR OWN LIVES
-WE WILL GO BACK TO OUR OWN LIVES
-CORUSCANT RULES
-CORUSCANT RULES – the passengers repeated
-Coruscant rules, Master?
-Yes, Lord Vader! It will not be long that the power of the mighty empire will be felt here, in this pathetic planet as well. I better start my mission sooner than late. Don’t you agree, Lord Vader?
-Yes, Master.
-Excellent! Fetch me a stewardess, my thirst grows with all these efforts.
Darth Vader and Lord Sidious sit, not before pressing the button that calls for the stewardess. After a short while, someone comes to help them.
-Can I help you, sir?
-Yes, you can. Please bring me a glass of fresh water.
The stewardess brings a glass and prepares to pour the water, when Lord Sidious says:
-My poor child! Can’t you see that this glass is not in a proper condition. Bring me another
The stewardess unwillingly goes to get a new glass, repeating the intension of pouring, when once again:
-I am sorry, this glass is perfectly unacceptable either. Please take me to see the cabinet where you have the glasses.
-I am sorry sir, I am not allowed!
-YOU WILL TAKE ME TO SEE THE GLASSES.
-I WILL TAKE YOU TO SEE THE GLASSES.
Lord Sidious examined the glasses attentively and realized that they are all unacceptable for him, and he said to the stewardess in trance.
-WIPE THESE GLASSES. ALL OF THEM.
He waited for her to clean a shelf of glasses and said:
-Ah! That one is much better! Continue, my child!
Lord Sidious brought to his seat the cleaned glass and pour the water from the bottle that the stewardess had left behind.
-This is much better!
PA system
-Good evening ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking, we should be taking off soon. Please keep tie your seat-belts and retrieve from smoking. After take off we will start our entertainment feature STAR WARS. In my behalf and on behalf of the crew, you hope that you have an enjoyable flight.
-Ah yes! I now foresee a most interesting flight! Don’t you agree Lord Vader?
Darth Vader did not replied.
-Lord Vader?
-I am sorry my Master. I had to take a pill of Dramamine.
-Really?
-Yes, Master! I get nauseas in these jet airplanes.
-Yes! It will be an interesting flight indeed!

To be continued.

Monster

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Once, I woke up as a monster…
It was not me…
It could not be me.
My voice, my demeanour had changed.
I was mean to people, everything that I did, I would do it for me, and for nobody else’s interest.
I was trapped inside my own personality, that I had created.
My focus has gone, I would not indulge attention to anybody, based on the fact that I was not interested in hearing nobody.
I grew bigger, fatter, and balder too…
I was the beast from one of Grimm’s tales, brought down to the reality of the common man.
People started calling me Hyde. At first I could not understand why, but then I had realized. It was not may name they were calling… they were looking for refuge, a safe-passage from the path of the monster, from me.
In me he lives, and without control he bursts out, like a rage from the skies, and attacks love ones with no mercy… it feeds on impatience and I call it wrath…
In me I kept the last tear of humanity, that hopeful will drawn the beast within me.
As I look upon the tall buildings, I wonder in awe… who am I? What am I here for? Will I ever cry from high above… or will I pass down to lair of the lord of the flies and spend eternity in abhorrer.
In this, the last drop of mankind in me, I leave my hopes for success… for the beast takes over when I cannot rest…
Today, I go to bed and I take the monster in me, in hopes that tomorrow I will awake up free to be who I want to be.

cocasman@zmail.pt

Chronicles of the Dark Side

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Chancellor Palpatine, finishes another day’s work in the republic, and gets on his overcoat to head back home. !
Upon getting home, the Chancellor heads down to the basement, where we puts a more comfortable set of dark clothes. The feeling of the Dark Side is more present in him now, assuming the true identity of Lord Sidous. He moves toward the entrance of one of his ant-chambers. At the entrance a dark figure awaits him.
-Nice to see you again, Lord Vader!
-I am here, my Master – Darth replies
-Did you took care of everything?
-Yes, Master. The luggage is loaded in to the Tie-Fighter, and we can leave whenever you are ready.
-Excellent. I look forward in completing your training in the realm of the Dark Side.
-May I inquire on our destination?
-Patience Lord Vader. We will soon be at desired coordinates. Our destiny is a pitful planet, in a minor galaxy, in the solar system.
-Earth?
-Yes, Lord Vader. We are going to Earth, where you can experience the full grandeur of the dark side of the force. The humans have a far better understanding of anger and hatred, than anyone else on this system.
-As you wish, my Master!
-I am sure, you will make, a fine apprentice, Lord Vader. Let us proceed to our destination.

Upon arrival to Earth, Lord Vader hides the ship from any means of detection available on Earth. The Halloween season, provides an excellent excuse for the appearance of these two strange looking figures.
-Provide us transportation, to the nearest airport – Lord Sidous asks.
-Yes, my lord!
Seeing a taxi approaching. Lord Vader hales the vehicle to halt, and opens the door to Lord Sidous.
-Take us to the airport – Darth Vader commands.
-Sure thing – the cab driver replies, adding – Where are you two dressed like that? A Halloween party? Isn’t it a bit early to be dressed up for parties?
-You will take us to the airport! – Darth persuades the driver mentally.
-I will take you to the airport! – the driver automatically reply
-You will ask no more foolish questions – Darth insists
-I will ask no more foolish questions – the driver repeats the command

And the car starts his motion to the airport.

-Good, Lord Vader! Your powers of persuasion are complete. We should have great use of that feature among this people.
-The mind of the Earthlings, poses no objection.
On the road, an accident blocks the passage of the taxi. Irritated, Lord Sidous demands explanations.
-We have stopped, Lord Vader! See to it that we are not stranded here. Our presence in the airport is of paramount importance.
-Your will my Lord… shall be respected. CAB DRIVER WAIT FOR ME, LEAVE THE MOTOR RUNNING, AND INSURE THE PROPER TEMPERATURE INSIDE THE VEHICLE.
Darth Vader leaves the cab to go the accident area. A car has crashed into a fuel truck, sustaining minor damage. Despite its fault, for driving intoxicated, the car driver argues with the truck driver for a sort compensation.
-You stupid fuck, look at what you did to my Golf! You must pay for this, you shit head you.
-Pay! You must be insane, you run over to the lane… get back to your car, and let the traffic flow.
Breathing heavily and impatiently, Darth Vader approaches the accident scene, coming from the long line of cars that are unable to move. After listening to a few more complaining of the car driver, Vader decides to levitate the man and ask him of justice.
-What have you done to the passage of this road? – approaching the man further to his body, Vader insists- why are we waiting for you? When you will get back to your vehicle and provides us with the passage we need?
Running out of patience, Vader sends the intoxicated driver through the air in direction of the car. The impact of the now unconscious man is enough to move the vehicle enough to grant the traffic to flow normally. The panic takes an hold of some people, that call for the authorities.
Back in the car, Darth Vader informs, Lord Sidious of the situation.
-You did well, my young apprentice, but we should not let our presence be known, we most restrain from use conspicuous powers in this area. Let us proceed to the airport, where your training will begin.
-As you wish my lord!
The taxi drives on towards the airport. Upon arrival, Darth Vader enforces a memory upon the driver
-YOU WILL FORGET OF ANY EVENTS THAT TOOK PLACE IN OUR PRESENCE. YOU WILL NOW DRIVE 1000 KMS TO THE NORTH AT A CONSTANT SPEED OF 65 KM PER HOUR.
Leaving the taxi behind, Darth Vader approaches his Master, who asks of him:
-Lord Vader, we need a lorry for our luggage. Provide one. Kickly.
-Yes my lord. – Proceeding to the area of parked lorries, Darth Vader gets to the last one. As he approaches the lorry, a man runs, and takes the lorry with him, saying:
-Hey! Tough luck, pal! Seems I got here first. You can get more lorries on the other side of the airport.
Making sure that none was watching, Darth Vader pulls out of his light sabre, and performers 3 swift movements into the man. As he grabs the lorry the man parts fall into to ground. Darth Vader disposes of the body parts in a near by recycle dumpster – on the organic session – then proceeding to the airport’s main entrance, where Lord Sidious waited him.
-Ah! Good! Your back! I see you had another victim to the death toll. You should restrain yourself.
-I will do my best, my Master!
-Let’s go now to the Flight departures desk
Proceeding to the West Jet desk, Lord Sidious notes that there is a flight to Montreal.
-Excellent! Everything is happening as I have forseen….
-NEXT! – the woman behind the desk screams, behind her busy desk
-Now let me do all the talking, before you decide to kill more people in the open. We have to be careful.
-NEXT – the woman repeats her cry.
-Hello! I would like 2 first class passages to Montreal on the 6 o’clock flight, please!
-I am sorry, I only have economic class!
-Oh dear… that is an inconvenience, but I guess it will have to do.
-Do you have any preference for the seats?
-Yes, I would like a window seat for me, and my friend would like to seat close to me.
-I am sorry, but you will have to be seated separated, although close to each other, but with a person in between you.
-Isn’t there any way of mending this situation.
-I am afraid not. Do you have any luggage?
-Yes. I do
-Did you packed everything yourself!?
-No, my servants did that for me.
-Please proceed to the guard over there, to make a quick inspection of your suit case.
-But…
-Now!
Unwillingly, both Darth Vader and Lord Sidious go towards the guard, for what it should be a quick inspection of the suitcase.
-Do you have any explosives or corrosive materials in your luggage, sir?
-Well, I cannot really say? – Sidious hesitates
-Why not?
-Because, I am going to Montreal, to build a grand army that will help us defeat the separatist movement!
-I understand you too well sir, those guys of the Bloc Quebecois, make me nauseas. You are free to go…
-But…
-That’s quite alright. I understand you too well…
Confused and dazzled with a revelation of a Bloc, Lord Sidious sees himself back to the desk of West Jet.
-Ok! Sir, now that you are all checked out. The last step is to pay!
-Pay!?
-Yes! The total will be 2053 dollares and 24 cents.
Tired of the airport protocol of checking in!
-YOU WILL LET US GO!
-I will let you go.
-YOU WILL FORGET ABOUT US
-I will forget about you
-WE CAN GO NOW
-You can go. Proceed to Gate 21
After passing Ticket Control, Lord Sidious and Darth Vader are detained in the metal detector area, because of Darth Vader’s light saber.
-Sir, please step into that area. Empty your pockets
Darth Vader complied.
-What is this metal item?
-It is my…
-It is an ordinary flash-light, reinforced in titanium to withstand the cold temperatures. You see, we are explorers of the Antarctic caves!!! AND YOU WILL LET US PASS!
-I will let you pass! They are cleared to go. Have a nice flight sir!
-Thank you.
After leaving the metal detector area, Lord Sidious says:
-Why did you brought your weapon? Their weaponry is meaningless to us. Your sabre could have costed us dearly. We are drawing to much suspicions to us. We can control each of these individuals one at a time, but we cannot control them all… plus it would affect the outcome of our mission… Lets go to our gate.
-As you wish, my Master.

To be continued!

cocasman@zmail.pt

Lesson's end

.

“What a gloomy day it is! Jack how are you?”

The start of a potential commercial that ends, with…
“- The sinus cold calls for Dristan.
-Yes!
- DRISTANNNN!”

I guess this is one of many memories that I hold dear, after my period of study at Recording Arts of Canada. It has been indeed some must interesting couple of months, with a bit of a workload in order to mimic a real life working scenario.
I had a chance to learn many new things, academically and humanly.
Alas, it is finally however. School, with its 7 hours of routine work, divide into 3 and half periods, closed with the same group of people (less than a dozen), while listening some rumbling about acoustics, recording techniques, post-production, audio consoles, or anything else that might fall in an audio category.
For better or for worse, the memory of those fine days is imprinted in my chain of recollections, through time I learned about those people, who six months ago were strangers and now they are friends whose absence is dearly noted in my everyday life.
I guess, I have always been the sentimental one. Of all of them, I was probably the last one to feel joy for the end of the school period. Because, I was aware, from past experiences, that the end of the chapter brings the beginning of a time gap of encounters. Thanks to the technology that all of us have at end, the gap is only translated in physical terms. At any moment, we are allowed to tap a few wards in a keyboard and patiently wait for a friendly response.

One of the most memorable moments in school, was probably the recreation of a Predator scene, using only voice…
“come on, run to the chopper” – I guess you just had to be there to adequately feel the nature of the moment.

Yes. From stranger to friend. What an interest concept to learn, in just 6 months, probably even less, if we give anybody a chance to speak out their mind, to share their views on life. I will not agree necessarily in everything that people might say, but I will grant them their opportunity to state their case.

Friendship, a chain of encounters between strangers that allows the development of a bonding relationship that replaces the concept of strange to known and cared for.
I guess, I have learned the meaning of happiness, in many of the encounters I have been having throughout my life.
I guess, that during this year, with school, with friends, with opportunities to explore my creativity, with love, with sky diving, with canoe camping, with sliding among the trees, with keeping my wits in place, I have realized that in some simplistic way, the meaning of life is made up of encounters and reencounters in the bumpy road of life.
Enjoying the company of former strangers, I can know feel that my field of friends has increased in diversity and quality.

Life is enjoyable. I guess I will bring home that lesson in few weeks!

Listening - to a final mix
Reading - Opium

cocasman@zmail.pt

Misguided Worries

. 
Sweet life!
For many years, I tried hard to find a purpose in life, something that could cling me to this world in a way that made me feel like I had some kind of responsibility to the world.
What am I saying?
Ever since I can remember I look back to myself, and see myself as a sailboat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, without anybody at the helm, leaving my fate in the fortunate blows of the god of the wind. Thus far it was something that was worthwhile to do, after all I manage to survive for the past 27 years free of any harm. 
Does this mean that I am a meaningless person? God, I sure hope not, otherwise I would possible be the front runner for the waste of space award, being only beaten by the bitter weapons that were paramount in shaping a world with the delicacy of a sledgehammer in a field of strawberries. Can I be compared to any kind of weapon? I guess not, my actions have been by far, less destructive or important to the events of our civilization.
So what the heck am I doing in this world?

For the past 4 months have been living bliss in the form of a student type life, in a country that holds more of my attention than my own. Once again, I question do I love Canada more than Portugal? Heck no, I carry Portugal in my heart as a memory of undying mom that always is there ready to receive me. Canada however poses much more challenges for my life than my own nest. What would be my purpose in Portugal now? I would enjoy the company for a fleeting moment of reunion with some friends as they had a little break from their hectic routines, with their eventful jobs, the family weekends and the lush vacations that poses as the main purpose of any kind of job! Yet, after a week or two, I would go back to their shelf of regulars. Then I would be just another friend that might be there just around the corner, to whom there is no point of calling, because we know that he is quite fine and also that we are too busy to even do so.
Can I blame anyone for this? Not really, after all I fell in my own webs of distraction that prevent me from being more aware of this absence of kindred spirits, my friends.
In Canada, I have found what I believe to be Love, a good strong feeling that once again gives me meaning, but by no means keeps me anchored to any specific spot. My good other half is much keener of opening the horizons of life than I do. “The world is a destination where we might end up being” – I sense her.
My obtuse nature of worries however, prevent me from taking chances towards adventures without first being aware where will I land on after the adventure is over. My financial rope is getting somewhat narrow to do any kind of adventures, and I feel weary to try any risky bungee that might stretch me up to a point of parental dependency that thus far I have been trying hard to break free.
I know that risks are part of the game of life, and that sometimes they are the flavor of the moment, that spark that makes us look back in awe to a past and be proud of the risky achievement. I guess life is made up to be fun. And I have been fortune enough to be surrounded with people that make me want to have fun and enjoy my way of having fun.

In a final note, I guess I always look at events as terminal events, and my gloomy spirit is due to this awareness of ending of cycle that draws dreadfully close. As see new friends, anxious to get back to their own friends and family, I see my self wondering much more where will I land after all songs have been sung. I guess that I should face the world with a different perspective now. I have LOVE in my life now, I have happiness for now, and I have a deadline to keep. Anything else can wait for my attention, when the time is right. When all the proper worries have been blown away. However, when this time come and the wind blows once again to carry my ship along the destiny path, I intend to be at helm of my life and use it’s inspiration wisely to stir towards my heart’s content.

 
cocasman@zmail.pt

All around I see familiar places

.

Dear Carlos,

It has been a while, since the last time we both spend a night gazing at the corners of the world. After gathering fiction stories and real life stories, I felt this was the proper time to drop you a few lines.
Mad world! Indeed it is, but nonetheless we got to love it, with all its little clichés scatter around any given corner of its streets. All around I see familiar faces, worn down places… the song states it well.
Ah! Friends!
I have friends who remind me of myself in the most prehistoric stages of my existence - the high school – a place where all the insecurities jumped at me like flees to a dog, it was a time when nothing more seems to have an opportunity to reveal itself.
It was so easy to be a pessimistic hidden under the shield of realism. Optimist was left for the ones, whose reality gave the paramount ability to create, enjoy and purchase art with the mere thought. Pessimism, however, is given to those, whose life seems a redundancy of bad events, scattered in a road somewhere where the too many good events are easily forgotten.
Do you remember Carlos, back in the days when fear ruled your soul with the fist of anxiety, when the optimism that others had for you, hold so little currency when compared to that grim view of eternity through the blurred lens of the present imperfect. There are so many ways to divide people today. One that calls for my attention currently, is the self-critics and the self-lovers division. Personally, I have been, in occasion, part of both circles of thought, although, despite the qualities of my life indicate that I should be a self-lover, I most confess that I tend more to the former category due to an unexplainable crises of low-esteem that hovers on top of me every now and then.
Yet, I wonder, what makes people be so much of a critic to themselves. How can a person endure such a punishment, by the self?
After viewing Requiem for a dream, I wonder how will we ever get out of the mess that we are in today. We are so careless with the little earthquakes in our lives that it is a true wonder to see a moment of care towards any other earthquake lying around in the neighborhood.
My friend, I believe that life brings us greatness at any corner, if we are willing to be there to pick it up and indulge ourselves with what life has for us in its rollercoaster.
I cannot afford to be specific or I would lose myself too much, in any case Carlos, you can wonder one, upon reading these humble words that you compose to yourself.
Take care of yourself, fill your cup with high hopes and visions of grandeur, for in the end of the first act you might be given the chance to performer in one of your dreams and take others high in to the moon.
Hug

Carlos


P.S. I am listening to Donnie Darko Soundtrack, after watching Requiem for a Dream. I am still dwelling with a Portuguese book, it is difficult to leave the world of two peoples that are opposite in the sense that one breaths and the other does not. Oh well.


cocasman@zmail.pt

Impatient Mind

.

A few weeks after arriving to Montreal, I started to notice the increasingly scarce lack of news from my friends, a bit throughout the world.
Back then, I wondered about a conspiracy movement, I even had a name for it too. I called it – The Conspiracy of Silence.
Still, as time went on, I could not help to wonder who had been the true mute figure in this word play?
Me, who fled to a new reality in the hopes of finding my purpose in the world; or all of them who, to me, seem to be hiding way in their convenient bureaucratic routines. A commitment towards society made them slaves of a square like life, removing color, taste and what once was pleasure from their lives. How easy it is to blame it on the next person, for the faults of my lack of action. With the ability of a slick moron I let paranoia sink in and start shooting in all the directions possible, instead of the most probable, my own.
Even so, I guess, that we are all to blame in this silence plot, as we secretly avoid worrying about fellow friends and family, trusting that all is well, if no bad news are there to tell.
How we be little ourselves to this sloth like behavior that excuses us from any responsibility on any kind of worrying towards anybody and everybody. Sadly, sometimes even to ourselves, as we try to figure out who is to blame in the derailing of our own lives, when all could be so much better if we exercise our right to doing something.

A little side note.

I have been blessed with many good friends and family in my life, that is a paramount truth that lingers in my memory for many eons to come, even though all this resentment I feel from my seclusion and its natural consequences.
I am afraid I have fell into the pit of oblivion in what once was a path of joy in all my friends’ memory. How else can I explain the 60 people who attended my birthday party, last March. Perhaps it was the free candy that I was given out a bit throughout all Lisbon, which brought all of them there in the first place. Come to think of it, I do not know any of those people.
Wait a minute, was I in the right restaurant at all? I always wonder why the big sign on the door said happy birthday Albert, instead of Carlos. Hmm!
Be as it may, the world holds still many mysteries to me, besides this one.

Despite the silence of loved ones from back home, I am now facing the loud of worries of my mind towards a silent worrier in my own backyard.
Obviously, I am not referring to my kind neighbor who knocked at my door on a nice Saturday morning, claming that my Riverdance music was too loud. First of all, how can Riverdance ever be too loud? Secondly, what is the point of listen Riverdance, if we can’t make the walls tremble with the sound of 100 Irish step dancers?
In fact, my concerns focus more on a close friend in the fine city of Montreal, whose life seems destiny to wonder about the purpose of life in this mortal shell.
It is interesting to realize, that the worries that were so desperately conveyed to me, were very recurring to a few months of dwelling that I had to endure in the smelly nest that harbored me last year. I guess that throughout my existence, I have always been wondering for what dreams may come. Currently I am inclined to believe that they might just well be whatever we want them to be as long, as long as we put or mind to it.

Examples that immediately come to mind:

A friend of mine always loved Japan, and he set as his goal to one-day travel there and discover more about that society that pleases him so. Making that old cliché keep its truth about all good things come to those who wait. It seems now that his dream will see the glory sunshine of reality one year from now. An eternity to some, but just a blink a way to this dreamer, who realize that we have the power to make dreams come true.

My dear sister, who for many years dreamt of having painting classes; a short time ago indulge her self with such a golden opportunity of learning that allowed her to explore this creative facet that she believed within her only expectations.

Many more histories like that, are in the almanacs of each ones lives, if we only dare to read them with the unbiased scrutiny that sometimes we lack while ruling out many of our own potential choices.
As I grasp the meaning of the wisdom behind; if there is a will, there is a way; I realize that in all the paths that I have undertaken, with all the choices resulted from that, I always encountered hard hurdles which brought me to the bitter and tough reality. These obstacles blurred my vision, in terms of what an ideal world should be. And, I am sure that the answer lies in pursuing what we want to do.
If it is to make a journey to Europe during one year, or coming to study to Canada for six months, than let it be.
Eric Idle said it best, if we come back from nothing and if we’ll go back to nothing, what do we have to lose in the end, then?
The balance is quite simple to make; we can either enjoy our travels, as we indulge in the choices we have to make, in this constant walk on crossroads. Or, stand in one of countless corners and see all the others taking their opportunities to a success, which with some true commitment could have easily been ours in the first place.

Last year, I was living a nightmare just about a 1000-km away, as I saw the walls of my hopes crumbling down. I felt alone in the world, unable to relate to anyone about my fears of what else is there. When the illusions, I built around a make belief world, were shattered with the inescapable reality catching on and calling me to pay the bill of my own choices, I realized that there was something I had to do.
I had to go deep into the valley of my ego and enter into that place, where the hall of mirrors lays the truth. I gaze upon my reflection and saw that all the world may crumble down upon our feet, but the hope to build a new one, must never be put away in an oblivion vault, that we use as an excuse for all our inaction.
Choices have to be made at all time and even the option of not taking any, by just waiting for the outcome of a previous one, may also be a choice. In the end, conscience calls to see what were the final results that such preference led to.
It is always easy to find excuses to prevent us from going, rather than looking for good reasons of why should not stop. After all, laziness is such an easy fuel for the worrier that lurks inside all of us, whose expertise is to find the obvious negative things and put them out of proportion. Why not take the chance of being involved in something, taking it towards the goal we set for us, and then make an educated judgement of it’s worthiness.
What is there to lose?

I understand that all my friends and family are busy with their own predicaments of every ordinary day in the life, as I have my own. Yet, I take more care now in wondering about what life allows us to do, in opposition to what we are willing to for our lives.

To my worrying friend, I wish the wisdom of awareness about of the value of the choices that were made, and the outcomes that come from any commitment, instead of letting the castle fall down, and then simply say; I told you so.

To everyone else, including me, I wish that we may learn the value of friendships and its importance in our showdown with the infinite world of choices that lies ahead in every heart beat. I will try to be more patient with everyone else routines, as I am sure that someone is forgiving to my own sloppy memory. As I choose to write this little ache relief, I will am also choosing to pursue my dreams and let my friends be a part of them.
With our choices, we have the power to see what dreams may come, instead of let our impatient oversee the fact that some choices take time to develop, as a tree takes its time to grow after someone’s choice of planting a tiny little seed in the field of possibilities.

Listening: The Mood and the Melodies – Harold Budd
Reading: Fazes me Falta – Ines Pedrosa
Seeing: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang; Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory; The Ring; The Thing.

cocasman@zmail.pt

All the screens are staged

.

Amazing as it may seem, I am quite happy with my stay here in Montreal.
Despite the negative temperatures or the solitude that a trip home brings... Everything is quite good.
Still, I think I am losing touch of my senses.
Hmmm... Anger Management.
I never watched the movie.
But still, I think it should tell alot about my current state of mind.

The feeling of competition is starting to hit upon me. I do not realize if it is because I am the oldest of the class; or if I am trying hard to make it work, so it has to work.
82,5% just made me feel like crap.
I remember that many years ago, I would be glad with every couple of 70% that I could gather. But now, I feel like I fail, everytime I go beneath the 90% mark... Why, because all I do is study, so it should count for something.
Am I demanding... sure
Life will come knocking on my door one day, saying hey carlos what about a stroll through mediocriaty land! Come on, it will be fun!
No, it's not.

Passion.

What can I do about passion?
What is passion for me at this stage?
Does anybody know?
Well that are those of you, who linger on with the notion of passion towards a particular issue in life? What is actually the worth of any passion if you do not have anyone to share it with?

Ok... Confession.
I am pissed...
I do not if it is with me... my colleagues, my routines, whatever it is, it is hitting hard.
And it has nothing to do with being in Montreal or anywhere else. I remember feeling pretty anoyed and pissed in Portugal too!
There is an element of frustration here involved!
What is itself? What is its nature?
I really do not Dr. Lecter!

I feel that I am losing myself in a pool of personality.
What am I? A shadow, an echo...
Whatever I am. I am a copy cat! Because, I just repeat what I am told. Either by a movie, by a teacher, by a friend.
I lack originality.
That is something that is striking me at this course.
I feel that all my creativity is unexistent. A mere vision of what I could have been, somehow!

What do I want to bring to my life?


I want to bring harmony.
I want to be able to be around other persons, and carry on with my life and do not get so emotionally involved.

Competition.
Who am I competing against? Myself, my colleagues? All of the above, plus the rest of the world? I wonder.
I am tired, I am hungry and i am angried. Not with the world, not at my colleagues, not at my friends, not at my family, not even at my sweet cats. I am angried at myself, for acting like a spoilled brat that does not know the difference of styles life can offer, and sticks to one, and presses the gage to full power.

For all that is worth, I will make a small quote....

All the screens are staged, and all the men and women are mere players doing their part.
...
and if you are dismayed, be cheerful now. These our acts have all unendend, and our actors will be melted into air, thin air.
and like the baseless fabric of this vision, it will leave not a byte behind.
This is such stuff as dreams are made off, and our little life is round with asleep!

Oh well!
I better be off then.
The Easter is around the corner.
I only wish I could write somemore.
I only wish I could overcome some hurdles that stand between me and my goals.
I think I will have to get inside the hall of mirrors and look back at all the different reflexions I can produce. Hopefully, one should be interesting enough to follow.

Until then.


cocasman@zmail.pt

Montreal - early days

.

I made it!
I am finally here!
Actually, I have been here, for the past 10 days now.
With the luck of the angels, I have manage to have an apartment waiting for me, so close to the subway, that I can actually, hear the thoughts of the train driver, when he is in the previous station.
Many changes are happening in my life.
Two weeks ago, I was surrounded with people from my own country, celebrating my 27th birthday. I feel young and refresh.
I managed to put 60 people together in a room, singing me happy birthday... The most amazing thing is, I didn t have to pay them... I guess this is another good definition of friends.
Friend is someone that goes to your birthday without you having to pay for him or her to be there.
Alas, I still prefer the Space Ghost definition of what a friend is.

A friend is the same as an enemy, but just doesn have the courage to kill you.

Nah... Friends are great... Wherever they are, whomever they are... A cheers to you all... You know who you are...

So, here I am, in Montreal.
Friday Night, in a cyber cafe, enjoying the best hot chocolate of my life... So thick that the chocolate could actually choke me in the press of falling down on the esophagus... (is that the way you write that? - Adam Langton, please revise this.)
It has been an amazing week.
I started my classes with the magnificent 10 commandments of sound (my dear colleagues - 3 of them belong to the female side of the gender).
I bought a pair of speakers that has brought life not just to my own apartment but to the whole building where I live...
Thus far, nobody came with a machine gun to my apartment, threatening my life if I don t shut the music down... Who knows, maybe they like my wacky selection...
From Beethoven to Pearl Jam, passing by Bjork, Tears for Fears, Adiemus, the sweet sound of Vangelis, and of course my dear Peter Gabriel. The most amazing thing happens when I play Portuguese music... I think that the whole block of buildings just turns quiet... I don't exactly know if that is because of the powerful voice of the lead singer in my brothers band, or if just the quality of his music.
An amazing thing happen to my life.
I bought a cell phone.
To those who don't know me, that was quite a revolution in my life, as I always was a sort of an antagonist towards cell phones in Portugal. But due to my loneliness, I had to get something to allow me to communicate with my dear friends...
DEAR FRIENDS... Beware, I can communicate once again... and at the Friday Nights I am will be here at this Espresso place in St. Dennis Street! BUHAHA!
Even more amazing than that, I think I fell in love with my cell phone seller!!! I study all the companies of cell phones here, and it turned out that the TELUS company had the package that was just my wallet size, if you know what I mean.
She was the person with whom I talked more in these first days... Alas I only talked with her 2 times, but even so, we covered more issues than just the cell phone...
Dear friends... I need tips in how to make her want to go out with me... It would feel good to have a friend from outside my class mates... Just to be able to talk about something else.
Oh well.
What more can I say?
Cleanning, cooking, studying in the center of Montreal, the underground city, the nice looking women of this city that pass me by in the METRO, in the streets and in this passage on the Cybercafe... Oh well. I think I am on my way to some sort of happiness.
If indeed there is a will to do something, we will find a way to do it. I am that proof. My will was strong enough to fight the odds.
Now, I must keep on dreaming to find what more is lurking around, in my field of dreams.

Note to self, I must learn more about this keyboard, to avoid errors, must do more word proof revising...

Meanwhile, I am on the track to complete myself.

To all of you who believed in me, I thank you...
To all those who didn't, well one day, I will show you something.

My impression of Montreal is very positive, particularly about the sales person at the Telus stand in the St. Dennis Street.

Its time to go back home now.... My neighbor's are probably in need of some nice music.

Listening to Launch Radio Station! (Orbital - Sad but True)
Reading: Paulo Coelho - Brida (amazing book)
Studying: Acoustics, Consoles and Computer Design.
Thinking about all of you

Changes and rendezvous

.

Today is a very unique day!
The 29th of February happens once every four
years, to compensate the time elapse during the
rotation of the Earth around it's SUN.
This situation changes rarely, unlike the lifes
of the creatures that rule the surface of this
planet. Every second or so we the inhabbitants of
the Earth are submitted to varitions of fate,
called changes.
I will focus particularly on my case.
For the past eight months I have been working as
a submanager, class B-12 in the PLO Agua e Sal
spaceship, better known to all as a common
restaurant in the Lisbon Oceanarium. This
experience followed a 4 month period in Canada
that made me focus more on what I want out of
life. As such I went through some changes, with
the help of new and old friends, some close by
some as far as the farther Poseidon sea, I manage
to recover from a early life crises.
Today I am conteplating my last week on Portugal,
as I am about to embarc in the Montreal Odissey.
When I as an inconscient teenager, I lived in
dread of ever venturing beyond the borders of the
world that I knew with the overwhelming fear of
what could be beyond those walls that I don't
know.
Change allowed me to overcome fear and face what
the world had to offer in regions quite far from
the borders of my known teen-world.
Before I launch myself on this third venture
among the canadians I am preparing to leave the
known universe behind.
My birthday party, next tuesday, poses a
wonderful opportunity to reunite myself with
people from many stages of my life. Old friends
and new friends together in the same room,
allowing me to create such a vivid image of all
of them, that will never make me want to forget
where home is.
I will be seeing people that I haven't seen in
years, people that I haven't talked in years.
This rendezvous will be a change as well.
I feel touched by bringing together so many souls
that in a way or another have touched my own in a
very unique way.
My route to happiness starts with this certainty,
that a given point in my life I had a friend and
that I was happy with that friend. Now as I am
only a week away from leaving this world behind,
I realize that my happiness lies around as small
pockets of invisible energy that bring me closer
to what I have been looking for - Happiness for
me and everyone else.
For 8 months I committed my life to the
Restaurant and to give what I could of myself to
ensure that it would go the distance and that it
would have wings of it's own to fly. The bird is
lose now, and next tuesday will take 50 more
passangers that have changed my life in a way
that only in dreams I know how so.
Alas, not all the rendezvous that I desire are
possible. Still, instead of crying about all that
is not set to be, I will be glad in enjoying all
that it can be.
People are complex molecules that run freely in a
entropic system, their unique moments of
rendez-vous are enough to create massive changes
in the shape of the heart of everyone, even in
the image of that dragonfly's dream, where all of
this was created!
I don't mind changing as long as it is for the
best. I will keep on creating rendez-vous that
will help me grow beyond my borders and expend my
dreams to where they belong.


Listening: Immortal Memory by Lisa Gerard and
Patrick Cassidy

cocasman@zmail.pt

Changes and rendezvous

.

Today is a very unique day!
The 29th of February happens once every four
years, to compensate the time elapse during the
rotation of the Earth around it's SUN.
This situation changes rarely, unlike the lifes
of the creatures that rule the surface of this
planet. Every second or so we the inhabbitants of the Earth are submitted to varitions of fate,
called changes.
I will focus particularly on my case.
For the past eight months I have been working as
a submanager, class B-12 in the PLO Agua e Sal
spaceship, better known to all as a common
restaurant in the Lisbon Oceanarium. This
experience followed a 4 month period in Canada
that made me focus more on what I want out of
life. As such I went through some changes, with
the help of new and old friends, some close by
some as far as the farther Poseidon sea, I manage
to recover from a early life crises.
Today I am conteplating my last week on Portugal,
as I am about to embarc in the Montreal Odissey.
When I as an inconscient teenager, I lived in
dread of ever venturing beyond the borders of the
world that I knew with the overwhelming fear of
what could be beyond those walls that I don't
know.
Change allowed me to overcome fear and face what
the world had to offer in regions quite far from
the borders of my known teen-world.
Before I launch myself on this third venture
among the canadians I am preparing to leave the
known universe behind.
My birthday party, next tuesday, poses a
wonderful opportunity to reunite myself with
people from many stages of my life. Old friends
and new friends together in the same room,
allowing me to create such a vivid image of all
of them, that will never make me want to forget
where home is.
I will be seeing people that I haven't seen in
years, people that I haven't talked in years.
This rendezvous will be a change as well.
I feel touched by bringing together so many souls
that in a way or another have touched my own in a
very unique way.
My route to happiness starts with this certainty,
that a given point in my life I had a friend and
that I was happy with that friend. Now as I am
only a week away from leaving this world behind,
I realize that my happiness lies around as small
pockets of invisible energy that bring me closer
to what I have been looking for - Happiness for
me and everyone else.
For 8 months I committed my life to the
Restaurant and to give what I could of myself to
ensure that it would go the distance and that it
would have wings of it's own to fly. The bird is
lose now, and next tuesday will take 50 more
passangers that have changed my life in a way
that only in dreams I know how so.
Alas, not all the rendezvous that I desire are
possible. Still, instead of crying about all that
is not set to be, I will be glad in enjoying all
that it can be.
People are complex molecules that run freely in a
entropic system, their unique moments of
rendez-vous are enough to create massive changes
in the shape of the heart of everyone, even in
the image of that dragonfly's dream, where all of
this was created!
I don't mind changing as long as it is for the
best. I will keep on creating rendez-vous that
will help me grow beyond my borders and expend my
dreams to where they belong.


Listening: Immortal Memory by Lisa Gerard and
Patrick Cassidy

cocasman@zmail.pt

Morals - First Draft

.


A friend of mine asked me to answer a 7 questions sheet.
Here are the answers.
It's still a first draft, but I guess it has the main ideas that I wanted to say.
I hope you might
Enjoy



1-a.) What do you consider to be important moral values?

The On-line Merriam-Webster definition for moral is:
moral
Function: adjective
Text: 1 conforming to a standard of what is right and good
Synonyms ethical, moralistic, noble, principled, righteous, right-minded, virtuous
Related Word good, right; conscientious, honest, honorable, just, scrupulous, upright; chaste, decent, modest, pure
Contrasted Words amoral, nonmoral, unmoral

My personal insight about morality relates to what is fair. As such I would define that a moral person is someone who has an overall of view of any particular situation and is able to act according to what the person reason calls for.
I fell that I must go back a bit.
Moral values depend clearly on the upbringing of each subject. For instance, my Portuguese education finds it abhorring to serve a dog as a main course, while a Chinese person would consider it to be a common meal in every day life.
In Portugal, we have a strong Christian influence; therefore, we are bounded to the 10 commandments of Moses and teachings of Christ, to define our morals. Obviously, by avoiding the 7 Deadly Sins one can be said to be acting according to Christian Morals. Hence by avoiding:

Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.

Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.

Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.

Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.

Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.

Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.

Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.

Opposed to this come the Virtues, that supposedly are the building blocks for a moral person. Directly, one can be moral according to the Christian Religion if he has:

Faith equals belief and trust. It can also be said that a person, living in accordance to fidelity, loyalty and who has sound conviction of its reasons, without falling into a blind fanatic behaviour, is someone who has faith. The distinction is hard to make sometimes.

Hope comes with desire, followed by the belief that something will happen. Hope is also reliance in someone, leading to great expectations towards someone or something. Personally, I find it more moral to have great expectations about someone than something, although something might indirectly reveal an outcome of a expectation I had about someone.

Charity is a synonym of generosity, a benevolent gesture towards someone who truly needs assistance at given point. It is also usual to define it as a merciful act where one is being helpful to another. Many times people see it as a negative thing to accept charity or the mercy of someone; it’s probably a common dispute between charity and pride!

Fortitude this virtue is often confused with pride, when in fact means strength, courage, endurance and resoluteness. This virtue is essential to overcome a particular hurdle to a self or another.

Justice is the ability of being impartial and fair, to be able to pass an equal judgement regardless of the parties involved. The persons who are just are often called righteous able to dispassionate towards a given argument. Justice it’s all about truth.

Temperance involves the self-mastery art of one to restrain the emotional urges through reason, sobriety and frugality.

Prudence often comes with wisdom, allowing to a person to be careful, vigilant. A prudent person is someone who knows to be discrete and thoughtful at same time, henceforth being prepared for what things may come.

However, all that is too much is, nevertheless, too much, by taking all these virtues to an extreme one might fall into the deadly sins category.
I truly believe that if a person takes time to put in practice all these virtues in a most balanced way, then a person will find the harmony that ultimately will lead to a moral path.


1.b) What are your strongest morals?

Personally, I believe that moral goes hand in hand with a simple principle, respect. Yet, this principle is very difficult to cope if one tends to be selfish.
I would say that if I say I respect a person then I won’t interfere with that person’s space through aggression, manipulation or any kind of devious thought that I might have.
In my own way, I try to be just, that’s why must of time I fell that I thrive to be selfless and prudent.


2) What would you define to be a "good" person? a "bad" person?

Immediately, I could say that a good person is someone that follows all the virtues in harmony, while the bad person chooses the path defined by the 7 deadly sins.

In more general terms, a bad person would be someone who would live to it’s own agenda, without realizing the consequence of his actions towards others. Worse, a really bad person is someone who is aware of the nature and the outcome of his behaviour and chooses to pursue with what he has in mind.
Opposed to that, a good person will always define what actions to take while considering what’s good for the majority while minimizing the consequences of the actions to the minority who will suffer from the outcome. A good person will conveniently define its steps towards solving problems in the best possible way. In contrast, a bad person will create problems, without caring for the detriment of the ones involved.


3) How important is family?

Once I have read somewhere that family are the group of friends that we are given upon birth, which he don’t choose. In the current society, family comprises the main structure in transmitting the fundaments, the rules in which our civilization is build upon. A stable society depends on the conformity of its members.
Family plays the role of early programming. The offspring are raised according the family morals. The definition of morals might vary with the accordance to each one’s importance. For instance, there might be families who find it more importance to be just, while others are more love based.
I find that family is essential in transmitting knowledge and wisdom, as such this will help the newborn define it’s own moral behaviour towards the community that where he now belongs to.


4) How important is religion?

I see religion as an ancestral part of the society, created to explain all the questions that leaped the common sense, such as the beginning and the end, the why and the how of life. Meanwhile, as the years went by, religion assumed the teaching role in the western societies. As such, the Christian church controlled the first schools and universities.
The same type of behaviour can be seen in other societies, where the teaching role of the predominant religion is only emphasized through the behaviour of the members of that particular society.
Nowadays, religion is facing a battle with the freedom of speech while bound to the principles of the rules of the past. I believe that religion has important principles to teach to all, in order to help define a moral more appropriated to all, where the virtues can be equally put in practice without prejudice to anyone. However, the dark chapters of some religions in the past make a crescent part of the population to doubt on the fair role of religion in today’s appropriate morals.
Bottom line, I believe religion has an important role in society as a teaching tool where all can benefit from the knowledge acquired.

5) Is bettering the community important to you?

I believe that the community as a whole has an enormous potential in overcoming social and political difficulties, that everyday seem to be a growing as a cancer in modern society. For instance, the ability to blame it one someone else instead of taking charge to solve a particular issue is a common behaviour that one can see just by observing.
I believe that the community can be bettered if there is a way to aware people to the potential they have as a group to produce changes for the best. People become immoral, when they assume that the responsibility for the problems of the community depends on someone else. This is a typical sloth example that no doubt leads to immoral behaviour.
I believe that the modern communities lack education at many levels, which reflects the negligence towards particular issues that corrupt the world in such a sad form. In a large measure it all comes down to respect – a two-way autoroute that leads to accomplishment through selfless actions.

6) How would you personally handle a conflict with your parents?

I love my parents, but most of times I forget that they are who they are.
I have a better understanding with my mom than with my dad whose advanced 73 year old age makes him a more demanding sort of person. I feel that my father is old not because he has lived the hours he did but mostly because he assumed a lay back posture through out the last 20 years of his life. My mother is an hectic person that despises sloth in the most pure form.
A typical way to solve a problem or a conflict is to approach them individually, as they are distinct in their nature. So to deal a problem with my mom, I would talk to my dad, and vice-versa. Usually, they talk about it before I face the one who is directly involved. Therefore, it is usual to talk to them about conflicts and realize that they already have a view or a point towards it. With my father I lose my temper easily, while with my mom I respect more.


7) Are there any barriers in your everyday life that prevent you from resolving conflicts?

I am a very passive person, which makes me difficult to cope with conflicts. I feel that as I get more involved with people, I learn to be more assertive and I am more alert in ways to avoid conflict instead of solving them.
Throughout my adolescence years I developed a self-pity attitude and a low self-esteem, which resulted in many personal depressions towards facing particular problems.
In my everyday life I try to avoid these thoughts as they make me my own worse enemy.
Usually, I try to solve problems by simplify them to there basic sense, however there are moments where I don’t seem to be able to decompose a problem to it’s simpler building blocks, that poses as a major barrier in overcoming conflicts.
I try to be a person full with virtues and assume a positive attitude towards all in general. Usually, I use humour to soften the atmosphere of a conflict site. I find it to be beneficial if I use humour and then simultaneous present a solution to ease the conflict.
A common barrier that I have is to tell people what to do, when I have to. How to explain people the need to do and make my argument stick, particularly when I feel that I am right. In the past, I would assume that it would be better not to argue any more and let anyone have it their way.
I tend to be oversensitive to people with people for whom I develop a great friendship.
Despise is the worse thing anyone who I call a friend can do to me. It shuts me off to a primordial state of confusing and sadness.
Many other barriers come to me everyday, but I try to solve them day-by-day, by believing in me while being true to myself.


cocasman@zmail.pt

Happiness is just around the corner

.


An inspiring energy has come to me, as precious as the mid-day sun, covering all the land and bringing down it’s mystic rays thus feeding the mighty earth with a true heavenly touch.
I am as such, touched by a divine influence, that frequently lays around us. Lately, I am wondering around a happy thought.
Truthfully, I have been sleeping fewer hours as the weeks go by. I guess that as time draws me nearer of my own objectives, I start to focus more on what it means to be alive.
Recently I have been wondering about my friends!
Where are they?
What happen to them?
Most of them got, a so-called life, a common confidential wish that takes them to being a grown-up. Personally, I rather be called a kid any day, allowing me to be in touch with my emotions and to be more the person I am than the one, people want.
I mean what is the point of going around the nameless cities being someone you are not?; What is it about living someone else’s projection of us?
The mighty Delfos was right, you know? – “to thyself be true”
Oh! I know! It is so much easier to be passive to the world around us, and say yes to all of them! However, from times to times a Nay is in order, as I stand alone in the corners of my dreams and feel that I have all the sense in saying “NO WAY!”.
In this spot, where I found myself, I learn that happiness, even as such a fickle event as it appears to be, it can be found in everyday life just around any corner.
The formula is quite simple and you hear it all the time. It’s all about listening!
Have you ever stop for a moment?! Took a time to listen to your beat! To allow your awareness to fully accomplish the sense of – “Hey! This is awesome! I am alive!!! Give me some more”; either by listening to your heart beating or your sensing the lungs being filled with air and exhaling the visiting Nitrogen and Dioxide Carbon molecules that frequently take a glimpse at our cores.
But, alas, my friends are always my friends. I miss them. I miss their wild child like nature, as were free to be “WE!”
“THOSE WERE THE DAYS”
Nonetheless, I am so happy right now, that I can explode like a summer fire-crack in a wild-type fair and spread my positive emotions all through the Earth.
I am going to enjoy this feeling, just for a heartbeat, and yet I will not stop looking for that, most special heart beat, where I feel like this again.
To all of you, friends and companions thank you for allowing me to come all this way, and reach this reflection point where I can take a time to be me and enjoy who I am.
Once, a friend called me Narcissistic, I guess today that is quite true.
I hope you can all take a second and go to that much special corner of your one lives.

Reading: Recpits and account figures in a Portuguese restaurant
Listening: Bhajan – Sheila Chandra
Thinking: Of you

cocasman@zmail.pt

Standing at the corner of the airport’s coffee shop

.

Thursday.
Just a few hours before dawn and I am back to one of my wonderings through Lisbon.

It’s amazing the amount of life one can witness at the Lisbon’s airport around 4 am.
Granted that Lisbon is not a very active city during nighttime. There are no libraries where one can ease his hunger for a particular book, or a theatre that shows movies all night long, or an all-nighter video club to replace those old VHS tapes in the old Sony VCR.
Here, nightlife is usually associated, with going out towards bars or discos.
There you can enjoy a night out with friends either by: getting loaded; watching others getting fully drunk; scream your head off while competing with the musical selections of the DJ, in an attempt to get a simple “hello” message to reach your friend, who is just there on the other side of the table.
There is a group of people, however, who need some place to study, to read a book, to enjoy a coffee with a friend while talking at a very common low level, without forcing those precious vocal cords.
Lisbon’s airport has an all-nighter coffee shop called “Astrolabio”, where you can do this and more.
Late January is a crucial time for College and University studies, with the final exams and report’s deadlines coming; there is a great demand for a quiet place to study. There is a group of people who, like me, enjoy the magic of the night to dwell with the challenges of a report or the wild preparation for whatever an exam has in stored for us.
Last night, I entertain myself with the lovely conversation with a friend of mine, about the supposed meaning of life had for us. Meanwhile, I could not resist contemplating those eager minds, who defied the night’s rest at Astrolabio. In front of me, a group of hectic pens copied notes from History books; on the table at my left some game cards served as a distraction to a group of four youngsters who apparently had enough of the precious knowledge closed in their books.
Walking through the airport at 4.00 am is always fun, you get to see people from all over the world, even from Lisbon apparently. There are always those who find that the floor of the airport is very suited to a night’s rest, apparently it all depends on the sleeping bag’s quality.
By 4.30 am, I could watch a group of frenetic Japanese walking to the KLM check-in line, to catch their 5.50 am flight towards Amesterdam. What the heck makes a group of Japanese people get out of bed at 3.30 am to take a plane towards Amsterdam departing from Lisbon at such an early hour in the morning? I guess it’s those little doubts that make life so great in the process of wondering about it.
Obviously, one of my favourite pastimes is to gaze at the timetable for the day’s flights, and then imagine some preferred destinations.
Hmm… Maybe I could catch that first KLM plane, flight nr. KL1692, and then take a nice bicycle ride through the streets of Amsterdam, gazing at the tulips, or even enjoying the windmills as if I was a commoner of the city for ages! Who knows where would a lovely stroll through the streets of Rome take me, after a soft landing from TAP’s flight nr. TP5230, scheduled to depart at 7.50 am. I think, I am ready to embrace Barcelona with all its splendour, starting with a nice window perspective from the plane in flight TP5732. No, I guess I can wait for the noon and take flight nr. RG8707, from Varig, heading to Rio de Janeiro in Brazil. Ah sweet Brazil, I guess I can see me now getting lost in those beaches from paradise. (Oh, you dirty minds!!!)
For all that is worth, I think that even if I don’t go anywhere, it is always a pleasure to wonder about some possible destiny in my life, in that timeless gaze at the timetable.
It’s 5.00 am, in Lisbon’s airport and I feel a sort of freedom, the kind that makes me want to flight to the moon and back, for as long as a flight like that may take, even a year, or a split second.
Frankly, I don’t care. I just went to the airport to see nightlife in a way I don’t get to see anywhere.
One day, someone will be standing at Astrolabio, gazing at me, as I am hectically rushing towards the check-in line, while that someone is wondering “where is that stranger going?”; “what will he be doing?”.
Possibly, I might look back and reply: “I don’t know, I just got fed up of looking at all those planes leave, and feeling left behind. Today, I am going somewhere, just because I can!”


cocasman@zmail.pt

The memories I bring from Electa

.


For the first time, a year ago, I was setting foot at Electa Hall.
Carrying my luggage, to the room 300, that expected me, I stumbled upon a young sleepwalker, as I surprised him with my arrival. Adam James Langton was suddenly kicked back into reality, after a few hours a rest that followed a very hectic night, as he later described me.
It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship, a truly life-jacket kind of a person who helped me realize some aspects of my reality, by sharing me some details of his own.
Electa Hall was composed of two buildings – Main and Annex. Main had 3 floors and a basement, while Annex had 6 floors. I was in Main. My room had a lovely view, towards University Avenue, Leddy Library, Assumption Church, Law School, a bit of the Ambassador Bridge, a bus stop, a set of stairs and a flag pole with the Canadian Flag.
Electa had everything I needed, a kitchen, bathrooms, laundry and several entertainment lounges. Most of all, Electa had people, who at some point of my 3 month stay, become my friends, some more than others.
David Stemp – a true giant in the city of friends, and in my opinion, one of the favourites to get the Award for Outstanding achievement in the field of friendship.
Bob Steele – a humorous person I know using the less number of words possible, a shy to some, a kind friend to those blessed enough to see it.
Hakeem Matti – the Eire-man who lived in Windsor, but that was kind to share with me my last resting place in Windsor.
Doran – the Russian who came from Vancouver. He might look harmless, but he has the mind of a twisted genius of crime that is living undercover.
Kaegan Walsh – a violent words pacifist, who did wonderful impressions of Goldfinger while playing chess with me. To many he was misunderstood, however I think of him as a good friend, who has many hidden talents, hopefully not for long.
Adam Langton – already mentioned, deserves all the best the world can offer him, even if he represents all the emotions that linger in a human being. A creative writer with a touch of magician; a unique rival in chess, as he both tied in 5 victories each and a draw during a series of 11 long games we had at Electa’s room 300!

I could try and find more things to say about all these persons and more.
For instance, I remember the heating man, who came to my room to fix my heater and was desperately in need of a friendly conversation. He rumbled on about his loving wife, his daughters, his depression, the fears he had that overcome him, the trip he was planning to have to Paris with the family but which scared him immensely.
Or the Janitor in a different building, who came from the Philippines over 20 years ago, who had a brother in California, and some Portuguese friends in a community in Leamington.

My experience has a foreigner in a strange land was very rewarding; it showed me that there are good people and bad people everywhere. That humanity thrives on perfection while dwelling in it’s on common imperfections.
The world is a beautiful place, for all to live in. I said this before, but to this I add that the world become ugly when all of us forget our place in it and develop a sense of blaming someone else in the process.
Electa was a home to me in the winter of 2003; it was a place where I laughed, I cried, I watched TV, I listen to music, I talked to friends, I did my laundry. I discovered a bit of my independency there in those rooms and hallways, that continuously was the stage for each of us to be the character we wanted to be.
I left Electa for good, but I brought a wonderful load of memories and a group of good friends. In the End, that is all that matters.


cocasman@zmail.pt

A strange moment of my past

.


About a year ago, I was leaving home towards a country many miles away, hoping that I could fix my life.
The story starts a bit earlier.
Somewhere in the early days of the summer of 2001, I was dwelling hard with my final report for the University. During those days I was totally lost for ambitions, desires, nothing was quite appealing. In a nutshell I was a shadow, an echo of myself.
In one of those weary nights I hid my fears in the countless corners of the World Wide Web, and like I had secretly hoped, finally, a voice came to me. A shy question from Canada would shape the trails of fate for the following years.
A friendship developed; a few days later the voice became a picture, a few weeks after that the picture became someone in my world.
Remembering those days, with the nostalgia that the moment deserves, I must confess that it was very rewarding to make a new friend, that a few months after that would turn into a big love.
The months passed, the “headache” report was finally finished, but no personal objective was quite defined in my own mind. In me there was no sense of fulfillment. I had just spent the last 5 years committing my resources to study in the Biotechnology field, and nothing – my soul was immensely quiet, with the apathy caused by emptiness.
Destiny had set a journey to Canada from December 2001 to February 2002. During that time, I fell in love, like merging myself into an infinite sense of happiness, embraced by a bubble of joy. To this day, I find it difficult to compare the feelings of certain days I had. The whole experience was quite rewarding, through the blending of cultures and the reality of a country so distinct of my own, I was awaking to something new.
Alas, after all the woods, the bowling alleys, the Christmas lights, the awe and the love, I had to come home.
I felt like I was being robbed. I felt extremely lonely, I cried for many days powerless to explain to whomever cared, what powered that. I hated my home world and everyone in it, for taking away my utopia. I pledge to myself a new future in Canada.
After some stormy months, seclusion from my friends, I finally managed to get a new chance to get back to Canada. Every since seemed perfect, I was about to indulge myself to a Masters in Biochemistry, in the hope of making something of the 5 years of biotechnology, but mostly I had a chance to be again in the dome of love.
Yet, as it so often happens, destiny had installed a twist of fate in my path. Something happened, that broke what could not be broken.
By late August of 2002, my love had run away, took everything away, only my emptiness remained.
Obstinate usually takes me over, and this time was no exception, as I felt that as soon as I could be in person, in Canadian lands, I could make the whole thing work.
2003 came.
On the 17th of January, I was leaving to Canada, for the second time, convinced of my own abilities to rule the empire of fate.
The following day, I set foot into Electa Hall. That is a different story.
After countless attempts of getting back to a reality that had lost it’s time in the past memories, I finally accepted destiny conclusion for that chapter.
I had lost myself. Without love and with no will to change the world, I had given up on working with Biotechnology. It took a while to realize that that utopian world had collapsed.
Finally, I realized that the chances in one reality are endless, as long as I believe that if there is a will to do something, then there must be a way of doing it.

Listening: Daniel Lanois - Acadie




cocasman@zmail.pt