Reply to an open letter about love, loneliness and depression

The following text is a reply to an open letter about some interesting topics such as love, loneliness, depression and ways to cope with it.

Dear one,

Thank you for your open letter. 

You wrote some intriguing words that make up for a really good conversation starter.

Let me address the topics you are interested in talking about. 

Love

Excuse me the pun, I love it. 

I mean who doesn't like falling in love and feeling love. 

One of my favourite songs is "Love to be Loved" by Peter Gabriel. 

I would say, love is the intrinsic bond among human beings. I do believe there is a specific type of bond that connects all living creatures too, I am just not sure if for the sake of this argument it applies here, so lets leave it aside for the moment. 

It is interesting to be discussing Love with you, a perfect stranger, when just the other day I was listening to a podcast about relationships. The therapist in the podcast mentioned two things that I would like to bring for your consideration. 

First, the confusion most people have with Passion and Love.

For him, Passion is something that is hard to explain, mainly because of biochemical reasons, the personality of each member of the couple, life's circumstances, what makes us feel attracted to someone, but most importantly, passion in relative terms has a short time span.

What happens after the passion stage if the person wants to go on with the romantical partner is that they must want to build a relationship, which is love. So, love is a construction. We do not fall in love, we feel passion and then we start building a relationship based on common grounds. 

The therapist continued by saying that the most corrosive aspect in a couple's relationship is the way people handle each other. People need to care for each other with kindness. Although it is usual within a relationship to have different points of view, arguments, it is important that those aspects be dealt in a kind, peaceful, with a tone of voice that does not convey anger (like shouting). Many couples make winning an argument their reason for being, because they are competitive. In an argument between a couple, there are no winners or losers. What the couple must do is talk and think hard on the reasons why they are together. They should not break up at the first signs of trouble. Troubles are normal and they carry with them lessons for the relationship to evolve. 

The other topic I think might be important to bring here is a theory that he proposes - the bonding theory.

So in his words. 

In a stable relationship, each member of the couple serve has a psychological safety net for the other. So the theory states, that as babies, we connect in a first stage with our parents looking for that safety net. According to the theory it was thought that the behaviour we display as babies towards our parents, is somewhat similar to what happens with the romantic couple. Basically, in some studies, the main ingredient that holds a couple together is the psychological safety they transmit to each other. Put it differently, we all have moments where we are vulnerable, humiliated, offended, where we were badly treated or misunderstood. It is very important to have someone beside us that might listen and provide  comfort and psychological safety and support. 

That is one of the basic elements for the relationship to last, the fact that you can count on each other. Trust! 

So, what happens in many couples today, they are not able to build the safety net among themselves and the trust is never built. Consequently. the relationship doesn't even reach love and stays in the  earlier stages such as passion - the biochemistry of pleasures.

I think these points that the therapist mentioned gives us something to reflect about your topic of  love. 

But let me give you some additional personal insight of mine.

I had many relationships, that I thought were love. But I think most of them were just passion. Unfortunately, most of my relationships never lasted more than one year. My girlfriends and me were not able to build a sufficiently strong bond to hold us through time. 

It could be so easy to spread blame, and I could give you different reasons why people would break up. 

Let me show you a list of typical reasons:

He stopped feeling passion for her

She felt he was too childish

He was not feeling the connection to continue a relationship of dependence

She was too aggressive

She was too much in control and was eager all the time

They were not able to carry through with  a common project. 

She wanted to have kids and He did not want to feel attached to her for life.

He was to fragile emotionally, and she wanted a stronger man

The distance was becoming harder to keep and the "I miss you" were becoming harder and harder to cope.

She was emotionally fragile in the beginning and was always predicting that the relationship would end, and so she did.

I could have given you more reasons on why some of my relationships did not work, but they were all interpretations of two different people who were at distinct stages, with heavy emotional luggage that seemed too hard to carry. So, the easiest way was to quit, me or them and sometimes both. But, I think that in most of the times, the passion stage finished when the troubles started showing and one or the other or both were not able to deal with the work needed to overcome the specific situation. In other words, we were not able to build a safety net to support each other in a relationship mode.

I know the letter is going long, but I have the feeling that your interest in the topics you mentioned were of  a somewhat personal nature. 

Well I might be wrong but you tell me if you feel like it. 

In any case, let me just give you a few notes about some of the other topics you brought up.

Loneliness

After a breakup or a loss of a loved one it is not unusual to feel loneliness. After all, even if a relationship lasted a year, there were habits that you were accustomed. Another reason, might be that you were so focused on the relationship that you neglected friends and family for the duration of the relationship, and that now you might feel lonely. My experience is that the real friends they are always there and they will welcome us with open arms to talk about the griefs, ours and theirs. 

Most likely, they too have experienced grieves of their own and just want to share their story with us, because our experience resonates with theirs. 

My suggestion for those dealing with loneliness is to accept that is just a perception, you are not necessarily lonely, you are just experience alone time in a heavily sad moment. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a life lesson, you learn to ride that wave of grief and loneliness and it might help to know that others rode their loneliness wave too. Somewhere they found a safe harbour where they could feel better even if they were alone but where loneliness lost their hold on them. 

There is an hidden advantage of experiencing hard moments in life. It helps you understand the grief that other people experience in their lives. Only after you have experienced certain things will you be able to truly be empathic with another. You do not have to experience all of it, but with a few bad experiences you can start relating to distinct to experiences of others that like you might have bad moments.

Another good way to deal with loneliness is to meditate about it. Do some breathing exercises and imagine that the clouds that surround you in that helpless feeling will soon dissipate and the sun of wholeness will shine once again.

Depression

Fortunately, I do not think I have ever sink that low, but I understand how helpless someone might feel in this state.

Much like loneliness, this can be seen as temporary stage, where the safety net of the self is out of balance.

One might feel completely overwhelmed with the simplest of tasks. 

So, the first thing you have to do is to acknowledge that you are not ok. 

Seek help. There is no shame in getting help. We get help all the time. To fix our car, to care for our health, to do something that for a some reason we are not able to do on our own. 

Friends, family and medical help can and should be the first lines of help given to someone who is experiencing depression. 

The main aspect to focus is that it is a temporary stage of life - A bad slope that slowly can be overcome. 

I think you can infer that I too have experienced some bad moments in my life. I accepted them, acknowledged the lessons I needed to learn from them and tried to focus on my well-being. I tried doing some kind of physical activity. Some as simple as walking. I tried meditation, using apps on my phone like Headspace. I would call friends and talked about it. But most of all I would try to make a routine of things to do that would make me feel that I was moving towards something. At one point, I joined Slowly, just to talk to strangers to feel connected to someone new. 

Happily, this is not my state today. But I know that a bad slope might happen again for me. When that happens, I might need to deal with my issues and learn new lessons. There is nothing wrong with that. 

It is not selfish to care for ourselves first at the most fundamental level, our health. Just think, if we are not well, we are not able to help others. So start with yourself and then be kind to others, they too might be grieving. 

Take good care of yourself and those around you if you can.

Kind regards,

Creation Muses

In Greek mythology, there were creatures that would cause awe and inspiration to those who came near them. The blessing of such contact was enough to render them with images, sights, sounds that needed to be conveyed through canvas, song, poem or any other form of expression that was available to the intrepid wanderers that might have come across such gentle and inspiring creatures. 

Lately, I have been in need of such a creature as my inner voice has dimmed silently to a whisper. As such my creations are bereft of any true purpose or meaning. A purpose in meaning. What does anything mean to me? What is the purpose then to do the things I do?

I believe that I create to muse others. Well, frankly to be granted a thank you for their amusement. It is a trade you see. They smile, and I glitter. 

But I know that when love strikes, I tend to find that unique audience of one more powerful than the largest of crowded rooms in the world. After all the divine attention of one loves trumps the attention of the world. Isn't one's affection the price of the world. So to have a proposal to create to the one I care for, should be a reward on its own, to fill me with confidence, that anything is possible in the given time.

 

How I long to create, something wonderful, something that muses the muse.

To creation hall I dive, where the mirrored gate allows me to ponder on my reflection with Narcissus gaze and be proud of who I am, because I am about to create with the fire of inspiration. 

Now... only time will tell, how fair my inspiration will be. 

Porcelain

"In my dreams I am dying all the time" - Moby 

If I am feeling frail is because I allow it to be, perchance choose it at some unconscious level. They say I am very sensitive but alas this feature seems to bring a melancholy that is just good to appreciate the sadness of the poets, musicians, painters, hopeless dreamers like myself that like to to dwell in the holes in life rather than fill them with the simple thankful nature of being alive. 

This post is called porcelain, because like a piece of china I feel that the cracks in my life can no longer be hidden by the glue that binds me together. The metaphorical scars of my life are present in my flesh by actual scars of existence. It is like I was driven to episodes to draw these marks on my skin as a bitter reminder that my soul carries these life features well within. 

This might just be another creative spat with myself, or a sense of a life poorly lived. Whatever it is, it is good to flag it, so that when I am at my peak performance, because I do not delude myself, I have yet to reach my peak in terms of where my soul is headed, as I was writing when I do reach that top of the pops for my soul I will be able to be thankful for this check point. After all there is nothing wrong in accepting that sometimes life does not bring us what we expect from it, but rather gives us challenges to overcome and evolve. 

"Then I wake, it's kaleidoscopic mind

I never meant to hurt you

I never meant to lie

So this is goodbye?

This is goodbye" - Moby

Goodbye to this state of mind. 

"Prepare to say goodbye to all of this 

and hello to oblivion" - Riff Raff

"Hello, I must be going

I cannot stay, I came to say, "I must be going"

I'm glad I came but just the same I must be going, la-la!" - Groucho Marx

Sublime

sublime
as a verb

sub·​lime sə-ˈblīm 
sublimed; subliming

Synonyms of sublime
transitive verb
1)  to cause to pass directly from the solid to the vapor state and condense back to solid form
2) [French sublimer, from Latin sublimare]

a
: to elevate or exalt especially in dignity or honor
: to render finer (as in purity or excellence)
b
: to convert (something inferior) into something of higher worth
intransitive verb
: to pass directly from the solid to the vapor state

as adjective

1) lofty, grand, or exalted in thought, expression, or manner
2) of outstanding spiritual, intellectual, or moral worth
3) tending to inspire awe usually because of elevated quality (as of beauty, nobility, or grandeur) or transcendent excellence

Who am I to differ? Sublime to be sure...

Theater

All the screens are staged...

Yes... this again. Shakespeare. Shaken not stirred. 

We are back to the center of the spotlight, for we wandered for decades now, struggling to find our place. And in this stage of stages, we lurk for the meaning of a single breath. For life is immortal in the single present of the limelight. 

It may only be a glimmer of attention by all, but in this spec of a planet, we find ourselves playing the role of our lives -  our own. 

By the end of the day, such as it was in its beginning, we are confined to the character our soul has written for us. 

So the theater, the public, the stage, the sets, the extras, the players, all that is material becomes insubstantial, as the dream fades reality into the night time of oblivion. 

I know that I will awake tomorrow to play the part that is bestowed upon me, even if I linger at night... daydreaming of what am I suppose to be throughout this lifetime.

 

Life is filled with tricks, but we can only fall for the ones that are meant to sooth our comfort. 

Reality is as painless as we allow it to be, but still we wonder about the pain that we suffer in the mortal coil. 

Resistance is futile - pain or no pain, this play will end when the curtain of existence is pulled in front of our eyes - and at last our essence is freed from the pins that sting us to the worldly stage we inhabited for a day or a century. Our shackles are at last broken, and the applause can be heard in the tears of all the souls we touch during our life's performance.

 

Nightmare

I do believe that nightmares are panic attacks from the sub-conscience. 

What is it that we dread so much that has to come to us in the form of dreams that are horrific in content and form? Fascinating is the lingering effect that those terrifying expressions from within carry to our present, past the point of awakening. Just this past night I dreamed of mutants closing in on me, as I was about to enter a warehouse where something was calling for my attention. I know that I woke up startled with the afterthought that the strange creatures were still with me, and my thoughts carried contradictory messages, as if it was impossible for them to be here, but same time a cautious feeling kept me awake for a few minutes. 

I have no idea what the message of this dream was. It was to complex to make heads or tails from it. I just know that I was in danger or at lease that was my perception. 

What are nightmares after all? To be continued to be sure.

Silence

"It's the great, big, broad land 'way up yonder, 

It's the forests where silence has lease; 

It's the beauty that thrills me with wonder, 

It's the stillness that fills me with peace"

The spell of the Yukon by Robert W. Service

Where silence has lease is where my soul finds the quiet melody of inner peace. Surrounding me in that unique space of zero frequencies, I feel the pulse of my own symphony - the song unwritten screaming to be sung and yet finding no safe passage to the surface of reality. This twilight like place of inner light and inner quietude fills me with the prospect of a life beyond the flesh. So, this inner soundless song, can be felt rather than heard when I let go of all expectations and accept the present in me for what it is - a subtle gift of existence. 

I sometimes forget that me as an I or a self contained being, am more than the whole sum of this life of worldly experiences which this vessel allowed me to experience thus far. These hopes, dreams and disappointments are nothing more than echoes of a flesh like hunger... a thirst for comfort. Sumptuous food, delicate sounds, soft touch, aromatic essence, breathtaking views - all are nothing more than mere desires from the senses pinned to my soul as demands of my body existence. 

So, I need to plunge into that mirror pool of silence to cleanse myself, from all the noises of wants and needs the world teases me with, like a sort of mâitre d' would in a fancy cosmos. Because if I do not, I will always be on the look out for the next big experiment to indulge myself with. During this lifetime, I have looked for love and affection in all the wrong places and for all the wrong reasons. Always as a means to bring meaning to a life that has in itself an abundance of meaning and requires nothing more than just being. 

Unfortunately the soul that is experiencing the existence has forgotten that he is the player and not the character, thus the wants and needs of the character are not really his own. And so, the noise of grief that is uttered to himself every now and again is not actually his, but a projection of what the character has been driven to do. 

I need to recoil myself to the inner silence of purpose and truly feel that the best is yet to come, even though there is nothing like the present - that in the field of dreams where there is nothing stopping me from feeling whole again.

Now...Let us be quiet and still for a few seconds that may last like forever, but this unique present can truly grant you a moment of peace without thought, so that at last that inner song of silence may be finally be heard with the ears of the soul - and meaning and purpose can be restored.