Such irony populates my life. I do not think I'm suffering from dystopian illusions or utopian dreams.
Life recently granted me Prospect of love. I like it.
Alas I am not ready to receive it. The fair gender has produced a willing accomplice for my adventures in this earth.
However my heart beats for another. This is an ancient beat. This beat has been receiving harsh blows. I hope it finally dies. It has been a mean beat... A cruel beat!
I feel as if it's my own personal hell as it undermines any attempts to move on with my life. The constant reminder of how weak, pathetic and foolish I was in a previous affair. Joke of the universe!
How I wish it was the affair to remember but unfortunately it has proven to be the affair that keeps on pushing me to grief and sorrow.
I do not deserve this!
I deserve the chances to write new memories with this new love that joyfully unfolds with each encounter.
My first reactions have been of comparison, of disregard, of complaints... When instead they should have been actions of welcoming and thankful sharing.
I hate this moment.
The crossroad of love, where a duel of fates unfolds...
Not a true duel.
Reality Vs a Fantasy.
The fantasy of the rescuer that comes back to fight for me... Vs the reality of the true resilient fighter who is ready to unfold love with no strings attached, just good humour, romance...
So what is it about this past that traps me so. Why can I not let go, even after months of mutual neglect... Of knowing that the other person has found love in the arms of another. After being told in many ways that my presence is not desired... What is it that blocks myself... Why am I trapped into this delusion?
I want to shout
Scream a pain
Cry my sorrow
I feel intolerably lonely, while having the best of times with someone who is willing to share the world with me.
Why oh why do I linger in the pointless feeling...
I hate myself for being pointless
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