Sad sad sad

 This quaint construct of the mind is all but friendly.

These are the facts, I am losing my mind. I am 44 and I am full of emotional holes that I expect others can fill them. So this is the lesson, no one should be expect to carry any part of me to fill any part of my soul that is somehow lost. The reason is simple, I have these parts of me. I just misplaced them. And hence, I am sad.

It is very unfair, not to me, but to the world, to be expect to solve any problems that, myself, in my quest for a purpose of life, created. These are just tears of frustration. Frustration of not knowing where I am heading. Vaya con dios at one point sang "we're heading for a fall". 

But this Fall, what I feel is that I have been falling from my steadfast resolve to be a better man.

This is sad. 

Where did I lose myself? What wrong turn did I take to stray my soul so much.

And lonely I feel. Not because I do not have family, which I do. friends, which I do, love, which they share. I feel lonely because these pieces of me, that are so dear to my own meaning, are lost. 

"and... like an insubstantial life faded" I have forgotten what they are...

Its like having a map that I do not understand.

This is a language of life I do not comprehend.

So the saddest part of all, is that I am trapped within.

The prodigal editor returns

44 years and counting...

Life has been giving me quite a few surprises since my fingers last typed any words into this digital box of recollections. The one constant seems to be that both humanity and love will never cease to amaze me, with the ongoing mood swings that pertain to what every single soul wants, including my very own. 

 

As a matter of reckoning, I wonder often about my unique aspirations as life progresses slowly but surely to an inevitable demise. Still, the walks of life that I chose brought me friends, experiences and worlds to explore. And there are so much more yet to find out. Half-life allows me to find more things about myself, to be better prepared for what lies ahead. Even though I have no idea of what lurks on my destiny's domain, I have gather some knowledge to face with more conscience the challenges that will undoubtedly  present themselves. 

(...) just because I do not know exactly what I want to write about...

A shift...

 

Professionally,  I make money combining words, images, sounds and musics to help others tell stories of current affairs. This is a blessing, because I like to be helpful, also I like to be creative. Combining both in a single job, make my days more rewarding, and it is not just because of the check in the end of the month, but rather by finishing each project with the satisfaction and a profound feeling of a job well done.

 

Suddenly, I find myself wondering if I will eventually find a new craft to excel even further and to deepen my connection to the universe and my own core. 

Well, I am back. 

Hopefully, I can face myself through the writings on this wall of bits and bytes.

 

My god, it has been 2 years almost. A pandemic has changed plenty what was to what has to be. 

 

Corona has a new meaning today, when paired with a woeful virus.

Achieving enlightenment

Spoiler alert - I have yet to achieve enlightenment

According to "The Dude and The Zen Master" book I may be attaching too much on aspects of life that need no extra concerning on my part, than that I would give if I was dead.

The burden of caring too much is, I think, what keeps me away from the knowledge of inner peace.
If I worry too much about what others will think of me, I will never find that which I seek. Also seeking it too much will prevent me from just letting it manifest it self when it will. Which can be happening right now. Much like the society of cells the inhabits my body, beneath my skin, there is a myriad of events that I am completely oblivious too until the consequences reveal an effect that is impossible to ignore. But if I pay attention, it will be there manifesting itself right now.
Its like a soft sound that is masked by louder noises.

Do not think too much about what should be, instead accept what it is, do what flows in you to do, do not take for granted anything and do not let the opportunity of being pass you by.

I guess I need to right a few words  now.
Even if they make little sense.
They will translate something important to someone.

Summer's end

The heat was strange this year, even the water was cooler than usual for Summer.
One thing I feel, the planet has been under heavy attack from catastrophic phenomena, fires, hurricanes, tornados, storms, earthquakes.
There is a feeling of purge going on.
Oddly, as 2019's summer is coming to an end, Humanity's summer reign seems to be stepping closer to a bleak winter, without giving us the mild cool of a fall. Still we are heading for a fall.
I wonder if we will come to pass, to a point where any sentient being will ever miss us.
I guess he or she will be too busy picking up the pieces to feel any resentment for our deserved demise.

Cheers to our passing by.

A palindrome of light and darkness

Every now and again, I come here and I spill some words into this canvas. Most of the times I am melancholic and eager to share with the universe what is going on with my life.

About a week ago, I was struck by a bolt of light in a human form. The chemistry took a few hours to kick in but when it did, I became smitten for this palindrome.

For the love of a palindrome!

All the best moments are here

I am trapped in the emotional response that surfaces upon listening to the musical chords of the "All the best memories are hers" theme.
I am immediately taken by the memory of feeling nostalgia. Not for anything in specific but just for the essence of what it feels like to be nostalgic... That Portuguese word Saudade that seems to cause ripples beyond borders and let the gaze of the soul of the wanderers that come here to appreciate the essence of what is Portugal.

What is Portugal?
A name?
A 975 years old idea?
A small rectangle on the western shores of Europe?
What do we recall of our heritage?
How proud are we of what we have achieved as a people, a nation?
How greatful are we to all those other people who were of paramount importance to let us get so far?

What are indeed the merits of a collective memory? The idea of a shy but intrepid people that is willing to take the elements and taim them into a new way for the world...

My best memory
Is still unwritten.
A memory where a lot more value will be cherished by what means to be human than for what it stands to accomplish wealth.
What memory is this anyway...

To help beyond belief

These current times are by far some of the most difficult moments of my life personally and I feel that he world around me is crumbling into pieces.

I have a friend who has a knack for getting into problems. This time around she found a way to put some Brazilians at her parents apartment with the intent of renting it to them but without doing any contract beforehand.
She needs to do this of course because she's into some dire financial situation of her own.
Now our hopes lie in the words of the Brazilians hoping that they will sign a contract and they will respect it until the end of the year. This helping to balance the cash flow problem that she has.

On another side, my mom is helping out her brother. he's very sick and he is not worthy of the care she's putting into helping him.
I find it sad that she is feeling so flustered so frustrated and so saddened by the way he dismisses this care by his own selfish actions like spending all this money and also by letting himself reach a point of no return, where all he has left is the care she can give him.
She is tired.
She is losing her own time.
How long must this go on?

I am helping both, but it's consuming me.
I am tired of this.

Grrr