Monday evening

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Today is a warm day.
The kind of day that makes the bugs sing in the fields, as if they were crying out for water, to cool down.
The city, despite the heat, is quite eventful. People at the beach chilling out underneath a golden sun, or downtown cheering up for cyclists that arrive on the last leg of the tour of Portugal on a bicycle.
Yet, I relate with none of these groups of people.
Instead... I lay low wondering about the Monday evening, and how I wish mine could be.
Realizing that I would need to wish it very hard to break down my ever so present laziness.

What dreams may come in mid-august's evening. Shakespeare gave us a midsummer's dream.
Why can't I?


mamuts@gmail.com

Goodnight song by Roland Orzabal

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"Here on the stage
The time has come
With the strains of "be my angels!", of rock in two four
Time may keep alive that old swang song
That we’ve been playing forever
Till the time maybe right to say goodbye
My voice is aching, I’m tongue tired
And the sounds we are making are so uninspired

Goodnight song, played so wrong
Blame the crowd, they scream so loud, so long

Get some honesty
Take the best of me and then the rest let go
In every situation with it’s tireless rage
Step outside your cage and let the real fool show
I should have stayed round to break the ice
I thought about it once or twice
But nothing ever changes unless there’s some pain
And our...

Goodnight song, played so wrong
Blame the crowd, they scream so loud, so long

Goodnight song, played so wrong
Blame the crowd, they scream so loud, so long "

Hate

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To hate is despicable.
I have no idea, where it grows this feeling.
I know I harbor it inside of me as a result of a reaction to something.
What makes me hate this person or that person?
I feel that my calm leaves me.
I can't even pretend.
I stay so still and quiet, not to give in.
In my mind, I imagine bursting into a rage attack.
I know I should convey this energy to somewhere other than me.
I want peace.

Tired

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"Tired of the same old routines? WestJet knows what you need..."

This was an hectic day with few events.
16 hours at work, waiting for the events of the day.
Should I be tired?
Did so little, and still it happened so much.

I guess I am just tired of being dragged by the same old feelings. I guess they grow on me, like mold.

Too tired to make since of this day.
Cheers for the upcoming day.

Tamed

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I feel that there are some creatures that are taken from the wild to be house trained so that they can better fit a household. I believe that during that process they lose their fierceness, their ability to survive on their own in the wilderness.
Much like those domesticated animals, I feel that the city pampers me in a similar way. I can't actually blame the city, but I guess I want to find an excuse for being so comfortable that I don't learn how to do the hard things, such as painting a house, fixing an electrical socket, replacing a faucet.
I guess that when what we need is accessible, we do not try hard to learn how to make them, because they just get fall on our laps. So, like the tamed creatures, I too don't need to find my own food, or arrange my things... all is so easy.
No victory in being tamed.

Loose

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So I went to the doctor the other day, and he told me I have an illness that is produced by stress. I feel no stress, but I guess it is in my mind, in a back-office somewhere, acting upon my body, to express that something is wrong with me.
It is true that the last few months have been rather hectic.
Soon, I will be on "my own". I will be loose.
I think that I am afraid of being alone. I reach out in search of people. Not crowds of people, but just people that are significant enough to be there if I need something. I guess I don't really need anything from them, except for them to be there to act upon that possibility.
It might just be that I do not wish to be loose at all.
But I guess it is important. I need to make a stand, and stop relying some much on those who are around. Maybe because one day, I will really need them, and they won't be able to provide with what I need.

So, I better learn to be loose. Even though my mother keeps telling me that we can't take the world alone with us. I think that she means that at one point, someone will need to do something for us.

I guess Papini said it best.
We own nothing except the self. The clothes, the computers, the food, their all a result of collective effort. If I am a farmer, I will need someone to give me clothes in exchange of money.
All the things we have are always a result of someone else's work.
We cannot be that self-suficient, that we can put aside the world altogether.
Relationships are important as well, for clarity, for perspective. To show that there are more than one way to act upon a set of circumstances, and that no matter what, circumstances are just really elements roaming around, that can be interpreted in so many ways.

But my mind wonders loosely now. I think I will just take another breath, for now, and another in a second or so. Otherwise, I will be obsessed by a circumstance, that might not even be there

Begger on the sidewalk

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Today I saw a sidewalk.
There was a begger moving back and forth on it, as cars would stopped on the traffic lights.
Eventually he approached my car.
He wanted to sell a magazine.
I said no.
He asked if I could give him 50 cents.
I said no.

Yesterday, a begger came into the restaurant.
He wanted to sell some band-aids.
I said no
He asked for money to eat.
I said no.

Am I human?

Running

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Sometimes I wish I could run.
I mean run far. Push my legs to take me the distance, and as I would gain each meter, I would be closer to what I was running to.
Yet, when I left, where was I running to?
At times running, helps me think.
It reminds me the importance of discipline.
Going on and on and on to achieve something, believing that anything is possible.
Running these days, brings me nowhere. I don't know if it has anything to do with the wind.
The wind usually blows against me, shaping my body against the cold air, reminding me how little am I. But I want to believe I can make a change. Not on the world, but on my myself.
I run for myself.
Everyone is quite egotistical. We may want to pretend we are not.
We are in nature ego-filled creatures. We need to care for this vessel that carries our feelings around.
Running is just a way of pushing them faster against the air.

But as of late the air seems empty...

Just to say Hello

Today I went to the doctor.

No, I didn't put the lime in the coconut, but confirmed that my belly aches come from my worries.

I guess my good friend was right.

"What we feel is expressed by what we can't see".

Life is such a precious series of events. Why should I stay worried on a couple of them, which in turn will prevent me from enjoying all the others that are really good?

"I am neither benevolent nor malevolent"

I guess I am just myself, with all my flaws.

Pressed hard by the values of society, which in turn are so dear that they just prevent me from releasing a true nature.

"Would it be a monster?"

A good monster perhaps, able to cope with some mishaps.

Anyway... today is just to say hello.

Life deserves a bit more hellos and less mellows.

Unholy quest for a self-purpose

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Wednesday evening, after dinner and all the daily routines.

I wonder about how far have I come. While lying down in a comfortable sofa at this pleasant living-room, i realized that I have done quite a few things, and affected positively as well as negatively the lives of at least two hands full of people. I mean, it might have been more, but probably due to the comfort that I was in, I could only see as far as ten.

I guess comfort has played a great role in my life.

Much like most middle class people, I have got the security and stability my family struggle hard to maintain, as that powerful was passed on from generation to generation.

You must be better than me. I guess that is the creed that has been given.

So, in our daily lives, we the carriers of the genetic code, try to do a little better than the ones that preceded us. And while we do that, we encourage the next generation to the same.

DO Better.

What is better?

What purpose should be consider better?

...