What makes me anxious

Sometimes I am having a normal quiet day and some actions, thoughts or events can change my feeling.

I read somewhere that most likely what is changing is my perspective on the matter.

I wonder.

Today I was playing with the Weather Channel app and I happened to study the weather for a special place from far beyond.
I was electrified with anxiety and sad emotion when I saw the real temperature.

I do not like to lose control like this. To feel the deep pain of anxiety.

So a message, a phone call, a letter, a symbol, an icon...

Everything that triggers a certain memory is enough.

Probably at this time no one can actually understand my pain.

My pain comes from within. It is a self-triggered emotion that is connected to the senses.
A music, a word, a smell, all these are enough to remind me of what dreams once came.

They were wonderful.
I had a dream for the future.
A future utopia, that was only an utopia because it was not shared.

Now I feel that I am drawning in my own madness, as I realized that I was nothing more than a  whim.
A fancy fad in someone's life, and when the time was right, it was so simple to just dismiss me as an annoying fly, that entered through the window, on a hot summer's afternoon.

The problem here is perception. Not even the above perception is correct.
Furthermore, the problem arrises from the perception of perception.

Communcation halted, assumptions were made, no truth was ever confirmed.
Each one kept a distorted image of the other.
I feel that every one is creating pictures of everyone. Are they any more true than the ones I had?

And why do these memories linger in me?
Why can't I be left alone with my feelings?

And why do I need to expose this intimacy into public.
Perchance I need to feel the attention of a certain public, of the right public, of the one who shall never read.

I remember the movie: "The Secretary".
A sado-masochist relationship, that ended with the girl grabbing herself to a table for 3 days without eating, sleeping, or moving, until she could get the attention of her lover.

She made the ultimate subjugation, the extreme proof of affection.

From this thought, I immediately jump to the thought that there is not enough love in anyone to make anyone else fall in love for them.
It does not happen like that. It is a game of chance, you either have it or don't. So we all pretty much work like light switches.

What happens is, when we fall in love is to buy a whole lot of pain if the one we love rejects us.
And from all that rejection derives the anxiety, the fear, the inability to face the world with that, once forgotten, smile of the first day, when we kissed "like we invented it".

These are my anxieties and I want them out.