Black Cloth on a Mirror

There once was a russian jeweler who had a wife and a beautiful daughter.
He lived a full life having travelled to many parts of his country, settling eventually in a young city in the heart of Russia.
He was not a simple man or an easy one. He was one of those kinds of persons who had his personal demons to deal with.
One day he lost his ultimate battle with a disease that took him, far too early from his family.
The daughter only found out of her fathers ill fate, when she got home and saw a black cloth covering the mirror.
It is not certain if part of her soul died on that day with her father, as she had no chance to say goodbye to him or make mends.
Perchance her true love died on that day, with all that was left to say. It is far more difficult to keep a pain unresolved within from someone with whom we can not clear the truth.
So why say goodbyes?, the daughter thought.
Perchance the jeweler would wonder about to keep the wife and the daughter safe.

I believe that somehow, when someone endures such a strong and deep pain, a part of the soul shuts down, and it is almost impossible to wake up this part again. The black cloth hides what cannot be seen.
The emotions are stollen and are never back again.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas


This has been a particularly difficult year.
Honestly the circumstances have been some of the best I could possibly wished for, but my attitude towards them have been the worst I could possibly have.
A certain sadness haunts me again as a memento from some of the best moments I had, that are now gone.
It is a terrible feeling.
Yesterday, I had a wonderful Christmas eve dinner with my family. For a moment I sooth my pain, my sadness. I was happy.
Why do I let myself be haunted by a past that had the premise of a future imperfect, but was lived as the only future I could wish for.
I know now that it was a self-fed illusion that quickly turned into a delusion.
I thought that by hiding myself in a sea of friends, new and old, I would drawn this pain beyond its reach on me. Another illusion it seems.

I want to move on.
I want to turn the page
I want to stop feeling like a reject

I know that I have friends and family that cherish my company and enjoy the moments that they have with me... but they all seem to pale to comparison with the few rejections I had to endure this year, that feel like I was the lowest of low. It is a lie. I am much more.
But tell that too my feelings.

It is a far sadder Christmas within my soul than it seems because I have not been able to release myself from the ghosts that haunt me.

The best gift I could possibly get, would be to release myself from this crippling pain that prevents me from thinking and feeling as full person again, instead of this shredded soul that presents to you in the form of unhappy words.

So, if I say Merry Christmas, I say it for you but most of all I wish it for me, this day and all the others that follow.
 

Validation

Some believe that in order to find fulfillment you will need the recognition of the others.
I do not know what my case is, but I feel that in many situations of my life I need some kind of validation by other people in other to fill my heart.
I think that some friends might disagree on this take, saying that it puts me in a position of dependence in regards to my well being - at least my mental well being.
I believe that we are social creatures. It is not easy for every one to live in isolation. It takes a special kind of creature to pull that off.
I realize that for love too, I need the validation of the person that I love.
It can not be anyone... it must be that one.

"Please don't let me make, the same mistake again"
Moby

Dar de beber à dor // sooth the pain

Foi no Domingo passado que passei
À casa onde vivia a Mariquinhas
Mas está tudo tão mudado
que não vi em nenhum lado
as tais janelas que tinham tabuinhas.

It was last Sunday that I went
To the house where Mariquinhas lived
But everything is so changed
That I couldn't see anywhere
Those windows had lost their decorations.

Because it is good to miss and remember

A bit of spite

I hate know it alls.
I hate this about me, when I talk as if I own the reason.
I particulary dislike this when people close to me make remarks as if they own the reason.
If they think this, why are they so close.
Today, right now, I feel uterly alone.
Not to worry dear ones. It is just a phase.
Most likely it is my angry perspective.
The russian tell me that is my idea of the things
The canadian tell me that I have no self-esteem
The portuguese say I can't be trust or that I am too impulsive.
I wish I could be an ermite to escape from it all.
No wonder i am always running away
But this time alas, no one wants to give me safe passage.
"what have I done, what have I done,
find a big cave to hide in,
in a million years they'll find me,
only dust,
and a plaque, that reads here lies poor old" Carlos

I am mad as hell.
Maybe I should find confort in some alone time.
Is there any comfort in that!?

God, I really don't know what do with myself.
Living as an automatic, I am not really caring much for what lies ahead.

That's it .

Drops of hope

It does not matter the effort one puts into achieving the dream, if the dream has no purpose.
I think that I am a far better man than what I really think I am.
My life is surrounded with great expectations. Expectations that I create.
I shoud expect nothing more but to see the invisible hope.
I cling myself to what I dreamnt will come true.
No one can actually know what might come, if we think about the better tomorrows.
The reality is not forged by reason, instead it is perceived by emotion, which in the end, blurs all that we see.
It does not matter much if you do not understand me.
I do not write this for you as much as I write it to spite my lingering pain out into the paper.
I think I have the right, for once in my life, to exhale my fury, even if I do in the form of insolent words that pour from my thoughts without any discipline of grammar.
These thoughts that are so consumed by an unknow possibility of a better ... (something).
I never exactly know what can be better. i only know I always what can be better.
Are you the better part?
Were you the better part?
Or as the poem goes... the best is yet to come.
and is that in this life time?
Is there another life-time.

I feel sometimes that I talking like as if  was playing a piano in an empty room.
Debussy and the sea never sounded better you will see. Oh the bergamesque.

The madness of a hope not yet returned, makes me drop day by day, a feeling of unknown.

Gosh, is there something that I do know.
I act so much from impulse, that I do not dare tap into what dcould hve happened if my courage was stronger.
Perchance I am to convinced
Maybe I am just a scared child, to affraid to leave the blankets when I woke up in the morning.
But luck protects the foolish and little children with a certain enterprise.

I will not dwell further into this mad house.
You me, it does not matter, you see.
What matters is what will be.

"When I was just a little boy, I asked my mother what will I be
Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be"

And so the day goes on with just one more once of hope, for whatever dreams may come.
I will forever live in the realm of dreams and platitudes to be rejected by the godess of reason.
If only they knew that the bridge between our two worlds leads to the fulfillment of the heart.

Will

"Knowing the path and walking the path are two different things"

In my case I feel that I walk the path without actually having a specific destination point.
I always put my faith in those that seem to be good sentinels of this universe to provide me a safe haven to rest my weary soul.
Alas, my perspective about such people is always flawed because it is based on their perfect nature.
Nature is imperfect in all its perspective perfection.
Likewise people are imperfect and to assume that they have a quality that makes them imprevious to error, is an error in its own.

Lately,  I have put my faith in seduction
I seduce no one.
All those that I attract stay because I give them something they want to keep.
They are unwilling to give something back.
This is not true, I am not able to give them the space they need to think and feel that they should give something.
I guess I am always too eager, too anxious to drink the potion, that keeps me captive.

When rejection ensues, the pain is too much to bear.. I do not wish it.
Currently, I do not have it.
What I have is a special kind of loneliness, that acts me on perception, rather than real life.
After all, my friends have been there for me.
Unfortunately, I tend to think about what I am missing, rather than what I am having.

all this is to say, that I have been losing my will.
I truly have little idea of what to do.
I have something to do, and no idea how to do it, why should I do it (to get a degree - is that reason enough? - to get the recognition - is that futile?)

I have so much going on for me right now, that it is madness to think about anything else.
But still, I have the fight of the heart between the ghost of christmas past vers the ghost of the christmas future (the past will not return, and the future seems more and more distant)
My focus for other matters is lost.
So, what should I do?
Now, i sleep
Tomorrow, I will find my will.

Saturday 1715

All is quiet, all is still.
The thoughts gather inside my head to form an idea, to evolve into an action and perchance to make a difference.
It is saturday in a mild december evening. The universe has many things happening at the same time.
But here in this corner, it is all quiet, it is all still.
I dare noto change the balance of things.
I am here, all quiet, completely still

Life here

"There are [things] I will remember all my life"

The people I have met in my travels surely will inhabit my memories until the last one deserts me, just before I enter oblivion.
The lovers, the friends, the knowns and unknowns.

I wonder, I do not grasp the value they have in my life.
Why do I linger in one or another the importance of myself?
It is sad actually to live according to the expectations have of us.
This makes us forget, ironically, of that which matters the most
- our self resolvement
The hability to do what we really want, instead of what will please others, even if it hurts us in the end.
But I keep being the lacky that wants everyone around to be pleased, even if I have to be the jester to get a laugh out of everyone.

Life here is sad
Life here is glad.

I HAVE MORE VALUE THAN I KNOW
I feel nothing, except contempt for the one who writes

Family

At the end of the day, family is a fundamental stone of the life castel that one wants to build.
I have a fairly sized family that helps me in many different ways.
I could tell about them, but I don't think you would understand the full grasp of my unique family.
Do not get my wrong, I don't think that just my family is unique.
Mine is particulary unique because its mine. Each one should have its unique family, but that's their business.
Fortunately my own is blessed with a nice quantity of healthy madness that makes up for some of the best moments.
I love them because with all their flaws and qualities, they accept my flaws and qualities aswell.
And so I am fine.