Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas


This has been a particularly difficult year.
Honestly the circumstances have been some of the best I could possibly wished for, but my attitude towards them have been the worst I could possibly have.
A certain sadness haunts me again as a memento from some of the best moments I had, that are now gone.
It is a terrible feeling.
Yesterday, I had a wonderful Christmas eve dinner with my family. For a moment I sooth my pain, my sadness. I was happy.
Why do I let myself be haunted by a past that had the premise of a future imperfect, but was lived as the only future I could wish for.
I know now that it was a self-fed illusion that quickly turned into a delusion.
I thought that by hiding myself in a sea of friends, new and old, I would drawn this pain beyond its reach on me. Another illusion it seems.

I want to move on.
I want to turn the page
I want to stop feeling like a reject

I know that I have friends and family that cherish my company and enjoy the moments that they have with me... but they all seem to pale to comparison with the few rejections I had to endure this year, that feel like I was the lowest of low. It is a lie. I am much more.
But tell that too my feelings.

It is a far sadder Christmas within my soul than it seems because I have not been able to release myself from the ghosts that haunt me.

The best gift I could possibly get, would be to release myself from this crippling pain that prevents me from thinking and feeling as full person again, instead of this shredded soul that presents to you in the form of unhappy words.

So, if I say Merry Christmas, I say it for you but most of all I wish it for me, this day and all the others that follow.