Will

"Knowing the path and walking the path are two different things"

In my case I feel that I walk the path without actually having a specific destination point.
I always put my faith in those that seem to be good sentinels of this universe to provide me a safe haven to rest my weary soul.
Alas, my perspective about such people is always flawed because it is based on their perfect nature.
Nature is imperfect in all its perspective perfection.
Likewise people are imperfect and to assume that they have a quality that makes them imprevious to error, is an error in its own.

Lately,  I have put my faith in seduction
I seduce no one.
All those that I attract stay because I give them something they want to keep.
They are unwilling to give something back.
This is not true, I am not able to give them the space they need to think and feel that they should give something.
I guess I am always too eager, too anxious to drink the potion, that keeps me captive.

When rejection ensues, the pain is too much to bear.. I do not wish it.
Currently, I do not have it.
What I have is a special kind of loneliness, that acts me on perception, rather than real life.
After all, my friends have been there for me.
Unfortunately, I tend to think about what I am missing, rather than what I am having.

all this is to say, that I have been losing my will.
I truly have little idea of what to do.
I have something to do, and no idea how to do it, why should I do it (to get a degree - is that reason enough? - to get the recognition - is that futile?)

I have so much going on for me right now, that it is madness to think about anything else.
But still, I have the fight of the heart between the ghost of christmas past vers the ghost of the christmas future (the past will not return, and the future seems more and more distant)
My focus for other matters is lost.
So, what should I do?
Now, i sleep
Tomorrow, I will find my will.