Benevolence or Malevolence

"We were neither benevolent nor malevolent, Commander koenig.
0ur absolute need was to prevent you
from penetrating the atmosphere of our planet.
so we gave you what you wanted"

Life has given me much.
I have had people who loved me and I have recipricated with my love.
For a moment (day, weeks, months, years), I have wondered in the illusion that I knew all I wanted out of life.

i guess, that I am neither good or bad to deserve what I have in my life right now.
I wish I could account in my soul for all the sadness that has fallen over my spirit.
A sadness that has burned my human side.
I am now more selfish than ever before.
My feelings for others are those of a person who hears just because and not because I truly care.

I am grateful that my parents are alive.
For them I see purpose in being alive.
Some call for me as a light in the voidness of despair.
But I am no more of a light as i am an echo of my own frustration and grief, for not finding in me the true magic that makes the world go round.

I think I have always wished for more.
Not to have but to give and be thanked for it, rather than giving and not be recognized for it.

As you see, dear ones. A true shameless bastard I have become, wanting recognition for the special nature that I was fooled to believe I had, only to discover that I am as weak as the next man.

So if anything my benelovence or malevolence if ever existed in me was only to protect myself.
I could not careless for the other animals that make up humanity, because i see that like me the care so little for one and other.
And as mindless beasts that rule the earth they are powerless as they are unaware of what life is really for.

I do not fool myself anymore into believing that I know.
I only know that I have a meeting with death, to which I hope I am not arriving late.
But as punishment the universal justice will let me endure the suffering and pain of others as a payment for my current insolence.

If anything is left me is a sense of injustice that love brings you no reward, but is seen as weak behaviour and should not be greeted with no other award other than contempt.
For my love for others as little currency in the world today.
and if I could be said to have any value,
my corrupted soul be grief and sorrow is now of little value to anyone else, even me, who is ready to give it away by its true worth - a spoiled soul of a spoiled brat in a spoiled existence, with little more to offer than a few words of illusion.

To you creature, clean spirit, that stole my faith I ask you for mercy, and hope that you eventually return my will.
We shared the universe and for some reason all that I take is an empty bag of sorrow.
I deserved more
I give you the world
You took it all

Crash

We colide every day by avoiding to face each other.
We have our secrets because we are afraid that people take advantadge of us
We forgot what it is to trust because we do not feel trustworthy.
We wish what we do not have even if we know that we have to take it from someone.
It is all about we.

When in fact, there is no we.
we always just see the I!

and when we are together we crash on the I!

Memory Gospel

If I was to die today, I would like you to know that I love you.
I know that it does not matter much to you.
You probably do not even remember me, if you ever come across this.
People might assume that this is my personal fad, but in fact is the ultimate expression of my being.
If you ever wondered what was your purpose in life, let yourself feel the comfort that you were loved, really loved by at least one person, me. I am sure that I am not the only one.
I like to remember you this way, even though it pains me the torture of having to live every day without you, until I die.
But like AJ once said: "love is about surrendering".
Surrendering to the fact that we cannot change the nature of the people we love, as they cannot change our own. That not all the love in the world could heal what was by default broken.
I was mesmerized by your subtle presence in my life, and I thank you for the gift of love, even though it had to come at the high cost of grief. I welcome the grief now, because it is soothing me these days.
In a way it has lost the edge of anxiety.
Now it is more the feeling of a fading memory, like a pulsing light that is now giving way to darkness due to a ailing battery, that for now is growing weaker.
These, my memory gospels are but echos over a voice that want to remember that life can be beautiful, even if they are doomed to be fragments of a life rather than the whole.
But what is life if not the collection of memories that one gathers throughout existence.

You are the gospel of this era.
Thank you for your time in my life.
I guess we follow different paths now.

To die for

No one could have believed that I would die.
Actually, I am very much alive, only to realize that a part of me dies everyday.
The death of the dream consumes my reality in ways that I did not fathom.
I threw myself into the rabbit hole only to realize that there was no world out there.
I deseperately want to believe that I am better than what I feel, but all I face is dark feelings.
If I had the courage I would die, just to live as the coward that I really am... and escape from it all.
It is so tiresome to be me, and to hear this nagging thoughts every day.

I am so tired, that I would die not to listen, not to see, not to touch, not to feel.
The dream collapsed and with it my heart lost all hope for the future.
I live in a grey area, as the saddest character from a Orwell universe.

I grieve for me.
Stop please!

Partying is such sweet sorrow

I wish I could explain this.
Today, I went to a wonderful party promoted by my radio colleagues.
A friend met a former relationship and had a rekindling even thought it was not what the person in question wished.
I know that if I had the chance, I would not hesitate.
When we really love, we should not think about second chances... their either there or they aren't.

My argentinian friend had it right. I will take whatever life offers me.
I had a wonderful time. I danced with co-workers, who will know make whatever judgments they want.
But, I had fun.
But, because I linger with the ghost of Summer Past, I wish she was there.
I wish I could dance with her one more time
And feel the soft warmth of one of our kisses.
Still, I know that I had my time.
And my time was July.
And I lived it fully.
Parting was a deep sorrow then
Partying tonight was such a sweet sorrow, because I know that if she could believe in us, she too would have enjoyed all the wonders I had to share.
Oh well.
This too, eventually shall pass.
For now , I will sleep a fair sleep.

Take care, my immortal beloved.
Enjoy your life, in someone else's arms.
He is a lucky man, if only he knew

Arithemetics does not solve this equation

A few months ago, I was offered with a solution to sooth my loss with the following statement:
"At least you had some words, some people have nothing, they are just left aside with no explanation... they just disappear"
I found it ludicrous, to say the least, that the pain of others could ever serve to sooth my own.
On this regard I have curious thoughts that come to mind.
It is like being on a ship that is sinking, with 10 people, and only 8 fit on the raft. You then use arithemetics to solve the equation - those are older, or those do not have a family, or those are sick and might die soon.
It is like finding comfort in other peoples misery "I am lonely, but at least I am not homeless like that guy". "I lost my two legs and I can't walk, but at least I am not like that guy who is a coma"
How can I ever feel happy for any of these thoughts!?
How can the minus of the other be my plus?
How can the guy is a widower make me feel better for my emptiness?
How can the misbehaviours of others attone for any of the bad feelings I have that are induced by others!
Truthfully, the perspective of looking to the side and see the misery of others is quite annoying and demeaning.
The need to offer consolation on the basis of, it could have been worse is insane.
It is always the option of looking to the empty side of the glass.
My thoughts are. This is as it is. Now I live with it, in the hopes that one day I find the strength to overcome the feeling that haunts me for months.
Tell it to a mother who lost a child :"at least you are still alive, and you can have more, other people can't!"
Can somebody tell me if I am being mad.
Life has many shades of grey, and it is quite difficult to navigate in the foggy waters.
My pain sometimes is so severe that I get blinded by feeling.
My pain is my own.
I am entitled to it.
i live it.
I do not enjoy it
I do not want it.
And will be dammed if your pain or the pain of another will ever take my pain away.
If it did, I would be a dictator, comanding pain around, just to hide my own.

No arithemetics will heal my bleeding heart.
I was trapped by my expectations and the world vanished before my eyes.
Without power supply, I had no energy.
Slowly I take my day to make it better
What really helps is to sooth by actions the other people
Being there for them, tending for them.
Listening
Making them laugh for a minute or so
Be able to rebuild
Not to forget, but instead to honour the memory of who we are.

I wish you never have to feed your heart with the pain of others just to be cool about yourself.
It annoys me so.