Benevolence or Malevolence

"We were neither benevolent nor malevolent, Commander koenig.
0ur absolute need was to prevent you
from penetrating the atmosphere of our planet.
so we gave you what you wanted"

Life has given me much.
I have had people who loved me and I have recipricated with my love.
For a moment (day, weeks, months, years), I have wondered in the illusion that I knew all I wanted out of life.

i guess, that I am neither good or bad to deserve what I have in my life right now.
I wish I could account in my soul for all the sadness that has fallen over my spirit.
A sadness that has burned my human side.
I am now more selfish than ever before.
My feelings for others are those of a person who hears just because and not because I truly care.

I am grateful that my parents are alive.
For them I see purpose in being alive.
Some call for me as a light in the voidness of despair.
But I am no more of a light as i am an echo of my own frustration and grief, for not finding in me the true magic that makes the world go round.

I think I have always wished for more.
Not to have but to give and be thanked for it, rather than giving and not be recognized for it.

As you see, dear ones. A true shameless bastard I have become, wanting recognition for the special nature that I was fooled to believe I had, only to discover that I am as weak as the next man.

So if anything my benelovence or malevolence if ever existed in me was only to protect myself.
I could not careless for the other animals that make up humanity, because i see that like me the care so little for one and other.
And as mindless beasts that rule the earth they are powerless as they are unaware of what life is really for.

I do not fool myself anymore into believing that I know.
I only know that I have a meeting with death, to which I hope I am not arriving late.
But as punishment the universal justice will let me endure the suffering and pain of others as a payment for my current insolence.

If anything is left me is a sense of injustice that love brings you no reward, but is seen as weak behaviour and should not be greeted with no other award other than contempt.
For my love for others as little currency in the world today.
and if I could be said to have any value,
my corrupted soul be grief and sorrow is now of little value to anyone else, even me, who is ready to give it away by its true worth - a spoiled soul of a spoiled brat in a spoiled existence, with little more to offer than a few words of illusion.

To you creature, clean spirit, that stole my faith I ask you for mercy, and hope that you eventually return my will.
We shared the universe and for some reason all that I take is an empty bag of sorrow.
I deserved more
I give you the world
You took it all