Give up

Give up.

I think so manytimes about giving up.
I am tired.
So, what I write is mainlly due to this tiredness than an actual portrail of life events.

I am trying to complete a masters.
I have lost all passion.
I cannot focus more than 20 minutes on any read or writting I have to do, without wondering of to some other task or simply be defeat by an unexpected unrest and tiredness.
The effect is felt all over my emotional and spiritual side as well.
I feel weak
I feel powerless
I feel defeated
I feel like a fraud
I feel that I will be exposed for the pointless being that I am.
I expect very little of all the little creatures around me.
I do not see my self better or smarter than any of them, in fact I feel like a shadow.
I feel like I want to hide my sorrow and myself along with it.

I want to believe that I am capable, but the days just march on with little to none progress.
The conversations with my tuitor albeit inspiring, they linger little in my mood and thus I am taken away from reality and abducted into a realm of confusion and deceit created by my fears. I feel that I deserve nothing nor anyone. I feel like good old Jack singing "... find a big cave to hide in, in a million years they'll find me... only dust... and a plaque that reads here lies poor old Carlos"

But I never intended any of this to happen.
Never

All I wanted was to improve myself, to raise a level above.
I Am afraid that I have stomped into out appears to be a limit.
What this makes me realize is that perhaps this is my limit.
Perhaps, I am trying to go beyond my abilities, and this might just be impossible.

I just think that I am too spoiled and accostumed to confort to deal with harsh difficulties.
What have I learn?
I will never be a leader
I am a fraud.
All tha I have done is an illusion of grandeur that I have sold to others, as I did to myself.
All I should do now, is give up on all.

But then, I stop and recall.
"Hey, what the heck, I went and did my best.
That's right!
And for a moment, I... I've even touched the sky
and at least I have left some stories, they can tell I did.
Cause I Carlos the master king.
That's right, I am the master king..

Hahahaha

And I just can't wait to next delivery day
Cause I have some new ideas that will really cause awe

ohoh! I hope there's still time to finish everything!

Remix...."

So, I guess that instead of leavng myself here into this weary place, I just need to flow and overcome my fears, discipline myself and get things done.
and I promise I will do just that, and I will tell you how I did!"

Take care

C

Trust

I think I never quite really understood the concept of trust.
Maybe I have mistaken this concept with others that are familiar.
I guess I tend to "trust" people who are honest, hence, they tell the truth.
However, I am a strong believer that some truths are better left unspoken and this might not imply a breach of trust.
Examples of this, include situations where by telling the whole truth you are transfering guilt of knowledge from one person to the other.
If the information does not being benefice, and the lack of information does not bring harm, it might be better to prevent communicating, to avoid causing unnecessary suffering, where it does not need to occur.

But to trust people goes further. It is not limitted to what is said and done. I believe that the way actions are taken play a big role in trusting someone.
The goodsense.
Jane Austen's sense and sensibility, is a noble example of how this unfolds in the literature - education veichle.

No surprises

Oh universe.
I could tell you so many things about my "great expectations", but instead I feel that anything I have to bring to you, comes as no surpise.
After all, any emotions I carry are but a shadow of what others have already experienced before me.
I am flustered by the things I have to do.
I am having a hard time dealing with emotions I have been experiencing.
And although this seems to be a more peaceful year, I still feel completely absorbed by the ill energy around me. I hate this feeling. i loathed it. It brings me no peace, instead I choke upon the painstaking task of having to go beyond my borders.
It is a challenge for so many.
Today!
IT should come as no surprise that I have a complete disrespect for myself and all that I stand for, regarding my objectives in life, which appear to be none, if I keep living for the fantasy impossible. Also living for now, seems to fickle and impossible to master...

What suprises are there available?
Fortunately, I bury these feelings up in the cloud.
If one day, somebody finds them, they might ask me, what was wrong with me now, and if I can still recall, most likely I could answer:
"that was a shitty day!"
But was it?

Stop and ponder on that thought for a moment!

...

I have life
I have health
I have friends and family
I have people that care for me
I have a home and food at every meal
I have 2 jobs and plenty of opportunities to expand my knowledge
I have love
I have time
I have joy
I have you

But still, I feel the frustration of not being able to clear the chains that prevent me to go further.
And with this cloud of dust that is building up around me. I am ready to say: That I hate this feeling, and I want it out. Purged from my existence.
It is telling me that something is terribly wrong, and I feel trapped, unable to say or do anything.

Oh pew!
Big suprise there

Fear

Hello dear ones.

Its fear again.
I don't know exactly why.
I can try and give it a name, or a reason, or an entity.
Perchance is the fear of being alone. Nah, it can't be. I have friends. I share my house with a friend. I get around with people from work, from school, from my family. So I guess that is covered.
It might be my masters. Hell yeah! That has been a bummer. A terrible nuisance. But I can end it, any time I want. I just need to quit.
Maybe I do not like to quit. It makes me look weak. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like there are things I cannot do. Well, I know that I have limits, and that there are many things I cannot do. Like doing the tour de France, or going to the moon, or flying a plane. I mean, I think if I had my heart into it, I would find ways of doing them.
Maybe what is really going on, is that I do not have my mind into anything. So I guess the fear is running deeper than the common outer shell. What is bothering me is this continuous lack of purpose.
A fear of emptiness, that for the last decade or so, has been filled with outside sources.
Its not from the outside that I am going to be fulfilled that is for sure.
So, I think that the fear in me, can only be solved by me.
Thanks for tuning in.

C

To be

"We are neither malevolent nor benevolent"
but, I think you knew about this.

So what am I?
A shadow, an echo?

I know thee. You want to be loved and adored.
But it is not by anyone. To be love by common people, will not make a sign of difference.
Pity! There are so many "common" people who would make your day worthwhile if only you would give them a few minutes of your time.

Perchance you assume that the people who you know, or whom you think you know, have a high value.
Do they?
The lesson this week, is that you have nothing but illusions.
Maybe last year's lesson, was that you were receiving love, when in fact you were only an entertainer. Somebody, whose charm and wit is worth spending some time with, but heaven forbids of a lifetime with you.

I guess, that the story is no different now. The main difference is that the game is completely open. So open, that your defenses are starting to crumble.
It will not take too long until the shadows take over, and you will be again mush, in the hands of those, whom you so blindly put your trust in.

What is it about these people that makes you want to give so much of yourself?
What possible illusion do you fabric within to make you want to dive, deeply, into the shadow.
There is not much you can add to this strange and sad affair.
I guess it is always the same.
First few days, weeks, if your lucky, months are times of joy and contentment, and then something caves in.
The patience on the other side crumbles.
Oh well, maybe this too is all an illusion.

The curse about this condition of mine, is that it prevents me to understand what is really and what isn't.
I end up feeling like a puppet, doing all that I can to please others, hoping so deseperately not to be abandoned.
Not to be abandoned.
Where was I abandoned?
Where did I lost my self-esteem?
Where did I misplace my peace?
And why do I keep searching for it in others, that soon enough get bored, and send me way, with the excuse that they are not good enough, for the likes of me, who turns out to be so extraordinary, that I do not even register in the count of love and passion.

So, who am I?
Just another boring man, looking for a purpose.
I am tired of this.
Soon, I will be sad
And the history will ciclical, repeat itself, because I have no faith anymore.

To deserve

Definition of DESERVE

transitive verb
: to be worthy of : merit <deserves another chance>

intransitive verb
: to be worthy, fit, or suitable for some reward or requital <have become recognized as they deserve — T. S. Eliot>
— de·serv·er noun
See deserve defined for English-language learners »
See deserve defined for kids »

Examples of DESERVE

    <the team really deserved that victory after the way they played>

Origin of DESERVE
Middle English, from Anglo-French deservir, from Latin deservire to devote oneself to, from de- + servire to serve
First Known Use: 13th century

So, I guess that when someone tells me that I deserve to find something, it must mean that I have done something good.
Why do the same people who claim that I deserve something good, then find a way of staying away, and keeping distance.
Most likely I have done something bad, and therefore I do not deserve their company or their attention.

People say all nasty things to feel good about themselves.
I imagined that people at the human resources of a company that is laying off people, must be the most cynical and hypocrite to avoid getting bashed by those unfortunate to lose their job:
"you are a really good asset, but the timing for the company is not just right, we hope that you find a wonderful job, with the extraordinary set of skills you acquired"

Another group of people are the ones that smile in front of you, and pretend to be very interested in helping you out, and then at the first piece of evidence they start to fabricate innuendos to create a fog of credibility around you.

I guess in the end we deserve the people we relate to the most. if they are bad is because we are attracted by the style and if they are good is because of the same reason.

So I guess I deserve people who think I deserve someone rather than themselves... because lets face it, I am such a nice person within that what I really deserve is someone better.

I am sorry I cannot be with you, you are too good to me, or wait, I am not good enough for you.
Perhaps the timming is not right. I would love to stay with you, but I have to put my hands on the 4:37 train that is arriving from Paris.
Tell you what, why don't you stay here, tell me all about yourself, while I leave the room, never to return.
I guess that in the end, I deserved just to be here alone, contemplating how good I really am.