Give up

Give up.

I think so manytimes about giving up.
I am tired.
So, what I write is mainlly due to this tiredness than an actual portrail of life events.

I am trying to complete a masters.
I have lost all passion.
I cannot focus more than 20 minutes on any read or writting I have to do, without wondering of to some other task or simply be defeat by an unexpected unrest and tiredness.
The effect is felt all over my emotional and spiritual side as well.
I feel weak
I feel powerless
I feel defeated
I feel like a fraud
I feel that I will be exposed for the pointless being that I am.
I expect very little of all the little creatures around me.
I do not see my self better or smarter than any of them, in fact I feel like a shadow.
I feel like I want to hide my sorrow and myself along with it.

I want to believe that I am capable, but the days just march on with little to none progress.
The conversations with my tuitor albeit inspiring, they linger little in my mood and thus I am taken away from reality and abducted into a realm of confusion and deceit created by my fears. I feel that I deserve nothing nor anyone. I feel like good old Jack singing "... find a big cave to hide in, in a million years they'll find me... only dust... and a plaque that reads here lies poor old Carlos"

But I never intended any of this to happen.
Never

All I wanted was to improve myself, to raise a level above.
I Am afraid that I have stomped into out appears to be a limit.
What this makes me realize is that perhaps this is my limit.
Perhaps, I am trying to go beyond my abilities, and this might just be impossible.

I just think that I am too spoiled and accostumed to confort to deal with harsh difficulties.
What have I learn?
I will never be a leader
I am a fraud.
All tha I have done is an illusion of grandeur that I have sold to others, as I did to myself.
All I should do now, is give up on all.

But then, I stop and recall.
"Hey, what the heck, I went and did my best.
That's right!
And for a moment, I... I've even touched the sky
and at least I have left some stories, they can tell I did.
Cause I Carlos the master king.
That's right, I am the master king..

Hahahaha

And I just can't wait to next delivery day
Cause I have some new ideas that will really cause awe

ohoh! I hope there's still time to finish everything!

Remix...."

So, I guess that instead of leavng myself here into this weary place, I just need to flow and overcome my fears, discipline myself and get things done.
and I promise I will do just that, and I will tell you how I did!"

Take care

C