Death has dominion

Hello!
I am alive!
Still...

Today, a special person died.
One among thousands of people who died this year.
The special nature of this being lies in the memories and ties she gave me while we had a chance to cross our paths.
I was lucky to have met her.
The world became, by far, a better place thanks to her passing.

On a side note, I recall that 90s.
A period where I was much in contact with her.
I met her through her daughter and eventually got to know her son, who became my math tutor.
I remember, dinners during the summer.
I remember, trips to the beach.
Remember...

It was a time when I had so many people around me.
People that I used to call friends.
Must of them are gone now - they have got married, they have got jobs, they have got children.

One of them asked the nasty question: "do you still live with your parents?"
I can't stop feeling the weight of the sentence, and all that the nuissance and judgment it brings.
But I pause on that moment.

For the one who died was actually a parent of a dear dear friend.
And it is curious to see how people belittle me.
moreover, how i am still afected by these commentaries.
Oh well... I move on.

Still it is so strange.
"I" should not have died today
But "I" never had a chance
and neither will we.

So, all that I can do now, is move on!

Regards from here to there!
See you soon, in a couple of decades or so.
And thank you, for being here

START

Start  by making something  worthwhile.
Killing  friendships is not one of those things.
Honestly, I think that we have much future  if we stop treating caring for the people who show affection.

Note-taking is the fact that if we are not happy we must be honest and manifest our discomfort.
It is far better to be honest than to live a life of lies that end up being toxic in all of the matters  of your life.

The question which remains is -  how do we say that we are unhappy?
People always take it personally. If anyone comes up to me and tell me that I am being a bad influence in his/hers life I will get  the blues.
What if we care, love and still feel the acwardnes of the behavior of that significant other's ticks... What to do, then?
To tired to think of a worthwhile solution...

Sad & True

Hello!
I wish I could truly understand what is going on with me.
Is it fear?
Is it the unknown of things to come?
Has my patience towards others expired, rendering me a hopeless grumpy thirty-something?
Truly, I do not know.

I know this.
I am sad.
I do not reckon that the problem is obvious.
Perhaps it is.
I just do not see it as such.
What I see, is a tremendous lack of passion towards all that is around me.
I guess, that I am not able to see past my belly button.
I think that everything revolves around the little things I see and aspire to come true.
Love pretentious have fooled me so many times.
I project so much on my prospective significant others, only to be defrauded by my own overly ambitious expectations.
Even when all the elements seem to align, the prove remains that it does not depend on how good one can be, there is always some element.
The voice is too high.
The sensitive is overwhelming.
The lack of touch is insensitive.
The conversation has no common ground.
There is too much fear.
There is nothing more to be. But me.

Then, on the other side.. The great expectations.
Classes.

The book of lost senses.
Who am I, once more?

Surprises

Today, my colleagues surprised me, with a cake and a happy birthday song.

I feel happy.

A true feeling of connection with these people has grown through the six years and a half that I had with them, but I cannot seem to deny that there is a good feeling that connect me to them. 

A simple but steady trust that we can rely on the good things.

A special word for J.

The master mind behind this idea, who cooked a cake and gather the clans to surprise me. 

I knew that it is good to have friends.

It is wonderful to have friends like J that care.

Thank you all

Thank you J

Late at night

Hello dear ones!

Frequently, I lay in my bed gathering my memories of the day that is about to end, as soon as I take a few hours of rest. I guess, my rest determines the end of my day, rather than the most common midnight transference routine.
In any case, I lay here and wonder.
Sometimes, I wonder about the bad things - that which I loath, despise and hate.
About all that I wish I could change
All that I know I can change, but do very little or nothing at all to change it.
All that I know that I have changed, but regret doing it.

I think about my friends.
I think about how fortunate I have been to encounter unique individuals in my life, even the despicable ones.
I think that all of them brought some sort of teaching, in this big journey that I have been pursuing for the past 37 years.
37.
Wow.
What a flash!
It goes by like a dream.
There are so many possibilities ahead still.
So now I think a little a bit about the future.
Not so much what I want to happen there, but what can I be doing, right here in the present to let the possibility happen.
I wish I would not regret so much all that is lost.
I know that I have indulge myself many pleasures, that in some cases became sour, and were the detonator for ill pain that floated from within. Even so, I guess I am lucky, because none of these events have made me endure permanent damage. I guess that in a way, with each experience I gained knowledge and took further steps.
I cannot blame anyone really.
I have learned to identify what I do not like, and I have been doing a good job staying away from it.
I have also learned that what I do not like, is not a global equation. I mean, many other people may be perfectly comfortable with that which I dislike. So there is no true universal love.
For all the living creatures the only constant is change.
Even the planet which seems a huge blue sphere in the vastness of space is changing.
Nothing remains eternal without change.
So the best lesson I think of right now is that I cannot change anybody, nor should I try. Because everyone already has a path of change that naturally is taking place. My presence is only part of that design that is unfolding with each passing second. Little by little we change, as cells die and new ones take its place.
So I accept the difference of others, but I also reserve myself the right of liking and disliking.
I also grant myself the chance to change my mind about things - that is to say, that maybe tomorrow something that I disliked become something that I start enjoying, and vice-versa.

I guess, that late at night, on this exact night, I realize, that I embrace change, I welcome it.
With it comes evolution, revolution, and growth.

A toast to change.
If I can understand it properly, I would say that there is no such thing as good change or bad change, because the combinations are endless, and what seems a bad thing now, might indeed be the seed for a wonderful change. But all these considerations are ever so relative.
So, I will leave those for another day ;)

 

Silent Hurt

Nowadays it seems so simple to hurt and be hurt.
It may just be me, and may be I am a tiny wallflower but the amount of misconceptions and behaviours people have lead to an incredible quantity of hured feelings.
Sometimes people shout because they are concerned, hence conveying a message of intense feelings that does not speak at all about the true feeling that is behind that passionate response.
The use of computer mediate communication increases the level of confusion. Typically there is no feeling in the words, leaves a lot of room for speculation on the side of the person receiving the message.

Are you well?
Me! I am fine!

Is he being funny? Is he being serious? Is it irony? Is it anger?

So many many misconceptions, and in the end all the words that are written lack the proper emotion that can helps understand all the elements needed to fully understand what the true meaning was, and even then, there is the possibility that the person is hidding something.
I am not a strong believer in mankinds resolve to make peace among themselves, but at least they manage to live all the misconceptions with a fair amount of cynicism and sarcasm, until they become mad as hell and scream out from their lungs: "I can't take it anymore!".

So, why do we hurt each other so much?
Because you do not really understand the other, not really, just a tiny part, the one that matters to us.
To trully appreciate the other one should pay close attention to the body motion, the words, the sound, the display of affecttion.
And maybe the, we can see the hurt within and respect their right for pain.

High Rise

The eve of a celebration

It is said that I am a funny man.
I say I used to be so much more, and I do not think I have lost my sense of humour, I just think I have lost my sense of belief.
Funny people are connected with the ordinary components of daily events without expecting anything in return (the good or the bad).
Being closer to the edge makes me a better cynic in the sense that I smile and nod, just to avoid any confrontation.
I reckon that confrontations, disputes, debates, heated arguments, all that implies the oposition of two sets of ideas, must endeavour to bring something new. But I cannot stand all the pain and loss that comes with it.
So I guess that on the eve of a celebration, I realize so many missed oportunties to learn so much.
Even so, I am grateful for all the oportunities that granted me a new possibility of growth.

;)