Tamed

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I feel that there are some creatures that are taken from the wild to be house trained so that they can better fit a household. I believe that during that process they lose their fierceness, their ability to survive on their own in the wilderness.
Much like those domesticated animals, I feel that the city pampers me in a similar way. I can't actually blame the city, but I guess I want to find an excuse for being so comfortable that I don't learn how to do the hard things, such as painting a house, fixing an electrical socket, replacing a faucet.
I guess that when what we need is accessible, we do not try hard to learn how to make them, because they just get fall on our laps. So, like the tamed creatures, I too don't need to find my own food, or arrange my things... all is so easy.
No victory in being tamed.

Loose

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So I went to the doctor the other day, and he told me I have an illness that is produced by stress. I feel no stress, but I guess it is in my mind, in a back-office somewhere, acting upon my body, to express that something is wrong with me.
It is true that the last few months have been rather hectic.
Soon, I will be on "my own". I will be loose.
I think that I am afraid of being alone. I reach out in search of people. Not crowds of people, but just people that are significant enough to be there if I need something. I guess I don't really need anything from them, except for them to be there to act upon that possibility.
It might just be that I do not wish to be loose at all.
But I guess it is important. I need to make a stand, and stop relying some much on those who are around. Maybe because one day, I will really need them, and they won't be able to provide with what I need.

So, I better learn to be loose. Even though my mother keeps telling me that we can't take the world alone with us. I think that she means that at one point, someone will need to do something for us.

I guess Papini said it best.
We own nothing except the self. The clothes, the computers, the food, their all a result of collective effort. If I am a farmer, I will need someone to give me clothes in exchange of money.
All the things we have are always a result of someone else's work.
We cannot be that self-suficient, that we can put aside the world altogether.
Relationships are important as well, for clarity, for perspective. To show that there are more than one way to act upon a set of circumstances, and that no matter what, circumstances are just really elements roaming around, that can be interpreted in so many ways.

But my mind wonders loosely now. I think I will just take another breath, for now, and another in a second or so. Otherwise, I will be obsessed by a circumstance, that might not even be there

Begger on the sidewalk

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Today I saw a sidewalk.
There was a begger moving back and forth on it, as cars would stopped on the traffic lights.
Eventually he approached my car.
He wanted to sell a magazine.
I said no.
He asked if I could give him 50 cents.
I said no.

Yesterday, a begger came into the restaurant.
He wanted to sell some band-aids.
I said no
He asked for money to eat.
I said no.

Am I human?

Running

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Sometimes I wish I could run.
I mean run far. Push my legs to take me the distance, and as I would gain each meter, I would be closer to what I was running to.
Yet, when I left, where was I running to?
At times running, helps me think.
It reminds me the importance of discipline.
Going on and on and on to achieve something, believing that anything is possible.
Running these days, brings me nowhere. I don't know if it has anything to do with the wind.
The wind usually blows against me, shaping my body against the cold air, reminding me how little am I. But I want to believe I can make a change. Not on the world, but on my myself.
I run for myself.
Everyone is quite egotistical. We may want to pretend we are not.
We are in nature ego-filled creatures. We need to care for this vessel that carries our feelings around.
Running is just a way of pushing them faster against the air.

But as of late the air seems empty...

Just to say Hello

Today I went to the doctor.

No, I didn't put the lime in the coconut, but confirmed that my belly aches come from my worries.

I guess my good friend was right.

"What we feel is expressed by what we can't see".

Life is such a precious series of events. Why should I stay worried on a couple of them, which in turn will prevent me from enjoying all the others that are really good?

"I am neither benevolent nor malevolent"

I guess I am just myself, with all my flaws.

Pressed hard by the values of society, which in turn are so dear that they just prevent me from releasing a true nature.

"Would it be a monster?"

A good monster perhaps, able to cope with some mishaps.

Anyway... today is just to say hello.

Life deserves a bit more hellos and less mellows.

Unholy quest for a self-purpose

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Wednesday evening, after dinner and all the daily routines.

I wonder about how far have I come. While lying down in a comfortable sofa at this pleasant living-room, i realized that I have done quite a few things, and affected positively as well as negatively the lives of at least two hands full of people. I mean, it might have been more, but probably due to the comfort that I was in, I could only see as far as ten.

I guess comfort has played a great role in my life.

Much like most middle class people, I have got the security and stability my family struggle hard to maintain, as that powerful was passed on from generation to generation.

You must be better than me. I guess that is the creed that has been given.

So, in our daily lives, we the carriers of the genetic code, try to do a little better than the ones that preceded us. And while we do that, we encourage the next generation to the same.

DO Better.

What is better?

What purpose should be consider better?

...

Valentine

There is no better feeling in the world than love.
It is the binding force behind all human relations.
There are as many variations of the feeling itself as there are people on the planet.
Nonetheless, the fortunate ones that get to feel it often are the truly blessed creatures.
What is about this feeling that makes us do wild things?
The feeling possess us much like a slight intoxication lingering on and propelling for actions that are not present in reason but in true emotion.
Love is the most profound expression of humanity that one can expect.
If one is willing to love, must likely one is willing to be loved - and that is the best trade off.
To all the lovers out there, have a lovely valentine, with or without a special someone.
Because, everyone deserves to love and be loved.
And much like the bard, I love to be loved.

Love to you all.

mamuts@gmail.com