I don't know

"Do you love me?
In the beginning yes.
And now?
Now, I don't know!"

Love to love

Yes Mr.
I do love to love
I love to feel that I am loved
Lately what i feel is that I am liked by my friends and family
It is quite good to have friends and family that are willing to share their feelings.
I am still dealing with the rejection from those that stopped caring or never cared.

I ask myself, why oh why?

Fear - that irrational bastard

I fear, my friends.
I fear about my father's health, about the patience my mother has for him as he grows older and becomes more dependent of her. I feel so powerless at times to do anything about it.
I feel like I live in a inhumane society where I am expected to work hard everyday without caring for those who need assistance. It is like a constant run that makes me feel like I cannot slowdown to help the ones in need.

I fear that sometimes the expectations I put on myself are so paramount that I have no idea what will happen if I just stop. I know that the world just keeps on spinning and that the results of my actions will have little consequence.

I fear that I am a lonely creature that expects too much from all others without being able to give as much in return.
I fear that when I give so much is when people return so little, and when people give me so much is when I am unable to provide in the same amount.

I fear for my sadness, because it haunts me unexpectadly.

I fear that my love is gone and all that remains is sorrow, because what is left to see in me is a shadow of a man, bleeding my witt and good humour.

I fear that I must change

Perspective

I wish I could control my perspective.
You might think that I am crazy to say such a thing.
But despite the fact that I can move around and change from a point of view, my inner perspective as dificulty in seeing the world from a different angle.
I guess, that when I was rejected once, I was unable to accept the reality of that matter.
I could explain it.
I could reason with it.
But I could not accept the why
I could not understand what set up such a result.
Much like I cannot understand why did I got fed up of certain relations I had
What is it the factor that makes change perspective?
One day you love, the other you love not.
When do you accept that you were abandoned and decide to move on and not suffer any more?
This is the kind of perspective that I wish I could control.
Ok, I was rejected, so what, someone else accepts me.
Instead of lingering on the thought, why was I rejected, I was so good. I was so happy there.
Why do I think to much about is beyond my control?
Why don't I accept the tao which states, all is forever lost, if one accepts and embraces this fact, the losing part is a reality that one expects but does not have to be an haning sword over our heads.

Perspective, it is what separates the feeling from reasoning.
Oh well!

Point of no return

Hello dear ones!

I can tell you that throughout these past six months I have had some of the saddest moments of my memory.
Friends and advisors tell me that I am the only one to blame, because I fed myself and entire illusion that I was not ready to face a no win scenario. By the time the no win scenario took form, I was consumed by a feeling of complete sadness.
Today, I realize there is no coming back.
I guess that one of the harshest realities that one has to face is to understand that the loved person is unable to love back.
The pain is so severe, so strong.
No one really care. Why should they?
Did I really care for the pain of another?
All we really care is for our own unique comfort.
Yes, I have friends that ask how are you, but they just walk way. They have their lives, their problems.

They don't care if I say that I would do anything for love.
I would leave everything behind for her.
I would do all that I could.
No one cares
Why should they?
They know, they all know that I am past the point of no return.

With all my luck
my friends
my family
my wonderful things

I feel the poorest man in the world, lost for the nonsense of a lack of touch with reality.
No one cares.
Why should they?

It is only me. Happy Carlos
He is made of Iron, no feet of clay
He is a master of puppets
No he is a puppet in the hands of love.

I feel betrayed by my own desire.
I was the happiest man
And now, sadness is my insistent companion.

I hate everybody, not as much as I hate myself for the contempt I have of my person.
why should anyone care?
This is all past the point of no return.
and like that, I die a bit everyday

Today, I am a lesser man

Tears for Vampires

I would like to say that I am a good person, but I feel that I am rather gullible to let the vampires come close to me and just take way all my energy and love and leave me without remorse.
But even after all my energy is taken away, I feel that I am still able to shead some tears for those that hurt me. Those that come into my life and feed on my love and good will and leave without saying goodbye.
It was the best of times it was the worse of times, it was a time to leave me bleeding on the street that has no name, on the city on the edge of forever, unable to find my way back, I was only saved by my trail of tears that allowed me to see the path that I had made.
That river of tears where I am now sailing home, in the hopes that I can recover to be a man once again.

These are such stuff as dreams are made off.

:P
I die in a little pain, everyday, by all those who bring fall promises.

I feel alone in my life.

New Year

There's a saying: "New Year, New Life"
For some strange reason, I feel trapped to my previous life.
Probably the fact the calendar changes from 2012 to 2013, does not account much into providing a new life change.
The fact of the matter is that i still struggle with the same ghosts of last year, I still cry for the loss of meaning my life seemed to suffer and i wonder constantly "where do I go from here"?
I guess the wait of some responsiblities is weighing in, as the deadlines get closer and my will to live up to them is smaller and smaller.
Furthermore it seems less and less clear what I am doing here.
I had plans and dreams that where shattered, and now I look with some envy to people who enjoy there life with such hope and antecipation for each day.

I too want to feel that my life is fulfilled... All I need is to change my perspective.