Black

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life in somebody else's sky
but why,
why can't it be, in mine"

Ah September I remember you well.
I guess I love you and November the most.
Maybe it is because both of you hold the most precious of the seasons for me - Autumn.

It also true that this time reminds me that all things most come to an end
You have given me so many occasions, where this was so true.

So now every year, I get to celebrate this most unique time - a celebration of endings.
And as they say, endings are just beginnings.

Today, I am too tired to think about new possibilities, but I promise that I will hold a thought or two to honour this most scared time.

How pervasive am I.
What damage do I bring.

...
No answer!
I see!

Blank

Heavens to inspiration blanks.
I wish I knew how to get back my inspiration in regards to my productions.
What is is about these moments of unwant and inability to move beyond this point, that make me so unbarebly still?
I guess I can only wait, but not too much though.
I have a billion of things left to do, and I cannot wait too long to finish them.

People still come up to me with proposals.
I guess that my policy of behavior to the outside world provides a far better image of myself than the one I hold to myself.
However, which is the right view? Is it mine with the obsessive, melancholic behavior or is it the positive outter view that portraits me in such a fair good lightt?
Perchance it would be a in-between state, which would make me common.
I guess I have been dreading the commons, becuase I so long to be more than common, only to realize that  I am as common as common can be, and by that fact alone, that is already a great thing to be - but still, the blured values fade this view and fill me with a sick perspective of what my life should be all about.

I am tired of complaining.
People hear, but there is so little for them to do.
There is so little for me to do.
This is a quality of being so as soon as I accept that I am as I am, the fast I will be in fulfilling what needs to be done.

And now, I rest.

Leaving all of this behind

!

Give up

Give up.

I think so manytimes about giving up.
I am tired.
So, what I write is mainlly due to this tiredness than an actual portrail of life events.

I am trying to complete a masters.
I have lost all passion.
I cannot focus more than 20 minutes on any read or writting I have to do, without wondering of to some other task or simply be defeat by an unexpected unrest and tiredness.
The effect is felt all over my emotional and spiritual side as well.
I feel weak
I feel powerless
I feel defeated
I feel like a fraud
I feel that I will be exposed for the pointless being that I am.
I expect very little of all the little creatures around me.
I do not see my self better or smarter than any of them, in fact I feel like a shadow.
I feel like I want to hide my sorrow and myself along with it.

I want to believe that I am capable, but the days just march on with little to none progress.
The conversations with my tuitor albeit inspiring, they linger little in my mood and thus I am taken away from reality and abducted into a realm of confusion and deceit created by my fears. I feel that I deserve nothing nor anyone. I feel like good old Jack singing "... find a big cave to hide in, in a million years they'll find me... only dust... and a plaque that reads here lies poor old Carlos"

But I never intended any of this to happen.
Never

All I wanted was to improve myself, to raise a level above.
I Am afraid that I have stomped into out appears to be a limit.
What this makes me realize is that perhaps this is my limit.
Perhaps, I am trying to go beyond my abilities, and this might just be impossible.

I just think that I am too spoiled and accostumed to confort to deal with harsh difficulties.
What have I learn?
I will never be a leader
I am a fraud.
All tha I have done is an illusion of grandeur that I have sold to others, as I did to myself.
All I should do now, is give up on all.

But then, I stop and recall.
"Hey, what the heck, I went and did my best.
That's right!
And for a moment, I... I've even touched the sky
and at least I have left some stories, they can tell I did.
Cause I Carlos the master king.
That's right, I am the master king..

Hahahaha

And I just can't wait to next delivery day
Cause I have some new ideas that will really cause awe

ohoh! I hope there's still time to finish everything!

Remix...."

So, I guess that instead of leavng myself here into this weary place, I just need to flow and overcome my fears, discipline myself and get things done.
and I promise I will do just that, and I will tell you how I did!"

Take care

C

Trust

I think I never quite really understood the concept of trust.
Maybe I have mistaken this concept with others that are familiar.
I guess I tend to "trust" people who are honest, hence, they tell the truth.
However, I am a strong believer that some truths are better left unspoken and this might not imply a breach of trust.
Examples of this, include situations where by telling the whole truth you are transfering guilt of knowledge from one person to the other.
If the information does not being benefice, and the lack of information does not bring harm, it might be better to prevent communicating, to avoid causing unnecessary suffering, where it does not need to occur.

But to trust people goes further. It is not limitted to what is said and done. I believe that the way actions are taken play a big role in trusting someone.
The goodsense.
Jane Austen's sense and sensibility, is a noble example of how this unfolds in the literature - education veichle.

No surprises

Oh universe.
I could tell you so many things about my "great expectations", but instead I feel that anything I have to bring to you, comes as no surpise.
After all, any emotions I carry are but a shadow of what others have already experienced before me.
I am flustered by the things I have to do.
I am having a hard time dealing with emotions I have been experiencing.
And although this seems to be a more peaceful year, I still feel completely absorbed by the ill energy around me. I hate this feeling. i loathed it. It brings me no peace, instead I choke upon the painstaking task of having to go beyond my borders.
It is a challenge for so many.
Today!
IT should come as no surprise that I have a complete disrespect for myself and all that I stand for, regarding my objectives in life, which appear to be none, if I keep living for the fantasy impossible. Also living for now, seems to fickle and impossible to master...

What suprises are there available?
Fortunately, I bury these feelings up in the cloud.
If one day, somebody finds them, they might ask me, what was wrong with me now, and if I can still recall, most likely I could answer:
"that was a shitty day!"
But was it?

Stop and ponder on that thought for a moment!

...

I have life
I have health
I have friends and family
I have people that care for me
I have a home and food at every meal
I have 2 jobs and plenty of opportunities to expand my knowledge
I have love
I have time
I have joy
I have you

But still, I feel the frustration of not being able to clear the chains that prevent me to go further.
And with this cloud of dust that is building up around me. I am ready to say: That I hate this feeling, and I want it out. Purged from my existence.
It is telling me that something is terribly wrong, and I feel trapped, unable to say or do anything.

Oh pew!
Big suprise there

Fear

Hello dear ones.

Its fear again.
I don't know exactly why.
I can try and give it a name, or a reason, or an entity.
Perchance is the fear of being alone. Nah, it can't be. I have friends. I share my house with a friend. I get around with people from work, from school, from my family. So I guess that is covered.
It might be my masters. Hell yeah! That has been a bummer. A terrible nuisance. But I can end it, any time I want. I just need to quit.
Maybe I do not like to quit. It makes me look weak. It makes me feel weak. It makes me feel like there are things I cannot do. Well, I know that I have limits, and that there are many things I cannot do. Like doing the tour de France, or going to the moon, or flying a plane. I mean, I think if I had my heart into it, I would find ways of doing them.
Maybe what is really going on, is that I do not have my mind into anything. So I guess the fear is running deeper than the common outer shell. What is bothering me is this continuous lack of purpose.
A fear of emptiness, that for the last decade or so, has been filled with outside sources.
Its not from the outside that I am going to be fulfilled that is for sure.
So, I think that the fear in me, can only be solved by me.
Thanks for tuning in.

C

To be

"We are neither malevolent nor benevolent"
but, I think you knew about this.

So what am I?
A shadow, an echo?

I know thee. You want to be loved and adored.
But it is not by anyone. To be love by common people, will not make a sign of difference.
Pity! There are so many "common" people who would make your day worthwhile if only you would give them a few minutes of your time.

Perchance you assume that the people who you know, or whom you think you know, have a high value.
Do they?
The lesson this week, is that you have nothing but illusions.
Maybe last year's lesson, was that you were receiving love, when in fact you were only an entertainer. Somebody, whose charm and wit is worth spending some time with, but heaven forbids of a lifetime with you.

I guess, that the story is no different now. The main difference is that the game is completely open. So open, that your defenses are starting to crumble.
It will not take too long until the shadows take over, and you will be again mush, in the hands of those, whom you so blindly put your trust in.

What is it about these people that makes you want to give so much of yourself?
What possible illusion do you fabric within to make you want to dive, deeply, into the shadow.
There is not much you can add to this strange and sad affair.
I guess it is always the same.
First few days, weeks, if your lucky, months are times of joy and contentment, and then something caves in.
The patience on the other side crumbles.
Oh well, maybe this too is all an illusion.

The curse about this condition of mine, is that it prevents me to understand what is really and what isn't.
I end up feeling like a puppet, doing all that I can to please others, hoping so deseperately not to be abandoned.
Not to be abandoned.
Where was I abandoned?
Where did I lost my self-esteem?
Where did I misplace my peace?
And why do I keep searching for it in others, that soon enough get bored, and send me way, with the excuse that they are not good enough, for the likes of me, who turns out to be so extraordinary, that I do not even register in the count of love and passion.

So, who am I?
Just another boring man, looking for a purpose.
I am tired of this.
Soon, I will be sad
And the history will ciclical, repeat itself, because I have no faith anymore.