Dealing with the end

How curious it is to me, the way we deal with end.
First of all, most of us have a crude idea of what the end is.
For some there is no end, there is only transformation, a constant change of state, a metamorphosis of the soul and body.
To others, the segment of life is determined by life and death. No more no less.
But because there are no true evidence of after-life or concluding death, people become more responsible with those who are apparently close to their demise.
Constant visits to hospitals, retirement homes usually occur when the call of the grim reaper is drawing nearer. Perchance people just need the satisfaction that they did their best with their loved ones.
What exactly is the best during my final days?
Just before I die, what will be that unique experience that will define my ultimate state on Earth.
Do I want to be surrounded with my loved ones?
Or do I feel like I want to die with dignity surrounded only by my thoughts, like the giant Elephants who seek sanctuary in the wilderness?
Maybe a bit of both.
I want to feel the warmth of the company, but I also want to feel able to engage my thoughts with soul provoking wisdom, that I managed to gather for a lifetime.
If I have a chance, maybe I can share it with those around me, so that they might do the same when their final hour arrives.

End of line

I am not sure yet, but I think he is gone.
It was not the infection
It was not the swollen limbs
It was the agony of the loneliness of a 15 day flight of countless hours of darkness and despair

I understand the elephants when they depart from their group to die alone in the wilderness.
I believe our minds drift much in the same fashion.
The body is the last one to go, decaying by the day.
Eventually when there is no single shred of mind and soul to give it sustenance, the body eventually follows.

His journey has begun
It will not be long now
I hope he arrives safely
There where the line ends
And where the silence has lease.


My only comfort is that one day I will find a similar fate going through a unique path
I fail to get the hug I have been craving for the past year.
All has been forced to provoke a certain reaction
But no one is actually available for that unique hug.

Before he departs, I will give him many more hugs and many more kisses
Not knowing if he will enjoy the warmth of them, but finding the comfort of each one I am allowed to give.

End of Line

wasted hollidays on unwanted fat

to few of my braincells the current affairs of my routines seem a tragic waste of potential.
on vaccation, it would be expected that i would indulge myself on some rather positive energy rather than handling the negative spirits of my soul
i forgot how to write
i dread of what i think
i fill my head with mush
and the platitudes that a certain russian complained are more present on my life than ever before
i have become my own nightmare, without little will to overhrow this habit
the heavy drain of a lazy heart is lingering in my soul, and even love's visit proved futile to insert an optimism in me.
i know very little of what i want
i drag myself like a homeless, but i do not dare to step outside the walls of my home.
The homeless at least has the pleasant fresh air to absorb and feel the sun on his cheek
what am I?
a shadow
a ghost
a puppet of some eerie will?

Nothing seems clear these days
There are no optimism that can save me now
and I turn to the empty publication of this blog, to once again cry out my pains
the few that stumble here, recognize this as the ordinary plea for help
but i have no idea what help I need
it is not money
it is not health
it is just an anti-depression kit
something that allows me to kick some life into me
so much is at stake
I hate myself dearly

and yet, I sell myself to the world as a great extraordinary guy
what load of crap,
One day, I will be more silent, and more modest
and maybe then some once of dignity, humility, and respect for life can run within my vains.

addendum

do I know how to love?
have I taken so many beattings that I have failed to differ between passion, love and just being smitten by someone?
I have fallen prey once again of an image
of a projection, one might say
I even confronted a self-defense mechanism of reality to shake the image down.
the image was so strong that my own mechanism of defense has gone down
I do not know nothing anymore
I feel that I die a little each and everyday

and in the end, I lose the love for myself, making it impossible to enjoy being alive
even in the golden cage, within the walls of the lettuce city, with all the promises that september might bring.
i keep missing the target
no love for me, will ultimately translate in no love for anyone else.

To thy self be true
love thyself if thyself wants to recieve the gift of love

master block

perchance to write.
i dwell so dearly to find the words.
to express a single thought in its most purest form.
instead i find my self without a thread of thought.
all is messy up in the brain.
the ideas float from synapse to synapse, but they are not able too find coordination to reach the outside.
i feel a prisoner within my own head. it is as if i wanted to think but i am thoughtless
you can see from the pointless and futile exercise that appears in front of you now.

to  make matters worse, i feel i am developing a form of dislexia
imagine that i want to refer to the present with word now and i frequently write know
or i want to go to the past of be and instead of saying was i will go to have and say has
oh sweet confusion
i am affraid that i am getting dumber
new ideas are getting harder to form
and express i do not know how
also I am losing focus
I can't read for long periods
and even these are getting shorter
my attention span is closing

i think i will have a shell outlasting my innerself
and a spark of conscience will eventually abandon me

with a masters to complete, how am i going to succeed

Irony of lazy laziness

Hello dear ones!

I am never sure who is following, but it is always good to dream that perhaps behind the screen may lie some interested eyes that savour these tales of the living.
My lack of time to write can only be described as an excuse for my own lazyness
While I write these words now, all the signs in my body tell me to stop.

This is the irony of being lazy. I am too lazy to write about it.
Its boring stuff. I know
All my past few weeks have been like that, an excuse after an other, to keep on living.
I am on automatic.
I do what I am told, what they ask me.
They tell me I am great.
But I press random switches, and they always come in the combination they expect.
I use the same solutions over and over, but they do not tire of the cliche
But I am the big cliche

Friends and love ones tell me not too worry about these things.
I should do the retreat.
My shrink has very little to say
My friends have nothing more to add
My life as it is, as the promise of some many other things.
I need that the good spirit takes over from now on.
The bad ghost has been lingering far too long.
Peter Fallon, please go.
Let the nice Peter Fallon in.

So, the dilemma now, is how to deal with my own self pitty :P
Disgusting

Today in my Life

"Got up at 7:10 am.
Left home about 7:30, realizing I left my phone at home
Went to work at 8:00
Continued working on a news long piece until 11:50
From noon to 12:45 pm, I recorded an opinion show, with foreigners talking about portuguese way of life.
Had my lunch with an ex and some co-workers.
1:30 pm I recorded an interview about storks.
At 2:00 I resumed work on the news piece.
Between 2:45 and 3:00, I recorded a voice over for a small news piece
From 3:00 to 5:00 I recorded an entertainment show with music and interviews. Today's guest a famous Portuguese director.
At 5:00, I was invited to party
From 5:00 to 7:30, I finished work on the small news piece.
Between 7:45 and 8:15 I drove home
I heard the soccer match over the radio while I cook dinner. It was pasta.
I dined with the presence of the cats. One white and one black.
The portuguese team own the first hand of the game.
On my phone there was a job proposal, that I declined due to pending work on my masters and my classes
At 22:00 a new invitation came to attend a major event.
Between 22:00 and 22:45 I watched a download series.
And now I write this blog."

This was my tasteless view of today.

Death has dominion

Hello!
I am alive!
Still...

Today, a special person died.
One among thousands of people who died this year.
The special nature of this being lies in the memories and ties she gave me while we had a chance to cross our paths.
I was lucky to have met her.
The world became, by far, a better place thanks to her passing.

On a side note, I recall that 90s.
A period where I was much in contact with her.
I met her through her daughter and eventually got to know her son, who became my math tutor.
I remember, dinners during the summer.
I remember, trips to the beach.
Remember...

It was a time when I had so many people around me.
People that I used to call friends.
Must of them are gone now - they have got married, they have got jobs, they have got children.

One of them asked the nasty question: "do you still live with your parents?"
I can't stop feeling the weight of the sentence, and all that the nuissance and judgment it brings.
But I pause on that moment.

For the one who died was actually a parent of a dear dear friend.
And it is curious to see how people belittle me.
moreover, how i am still afected by these commentaries.
Oh well... I move on.

Still it is so strange.
"I" should not have died today
But "I" never had a chance
and neither will we.

So, all that I can do now, is move on!

Regards from here to there!
See you soon, in a couple of decades or so.
And thank you, for being here