wasted hollidays on unwanted fat

to few of my braincells the current affairs of my routines seem a tragic waste of potential.
on vaccation, it would be expected that i would indulge myself on some rather positive energy rather than handling the negative spirits of my soul
i forgot how to write
i dread of what i think
i fill my head with mush
and the platitudes that a certain russian complained are more present on my life than ever before
i have become my own nightmare, without little will to overhrow this habit
the heavy drain of a lazy heart is lingering in my soul, and even love's visit proved futile to insert an optimism in me.
i know very little of what i want
i drag myself like a homeless, but i do not dare to step outside the walls of my home.
The homeless at least has the pleasant fresh air to absorb and feel the sun on his cheek
what am I?
a shadow
a ghost
a puppet of some eerie will?

Nothing seems clear these days
There are no optimism that can save me now
and I turn to the empty publication of this blog, to once again cry out my pains
the few that stumble here, recognize this as the ordinary plea for help
but i have no idea what help I need
it is not money
it is not health
it is just an anti-depression kit
something that allows me to kick some life into me
so much is at stake
I hate myself dearly

and yet, I sell myself to the world as a great extraordinary guy
what load of crap,
One day, I will be more silent, and more modest
and maybe then some once of dignity, humility, and respect for life can run within my vains.

addendum

do I know how to love?
have I taken so many beattings that I have failed to differ between passion, love and just being smitten by someone?
I have fallen prey once again of an image
of a projection, one might say
I even confronted a self-defense mechanism of reality to shake the image down.
the image was so strong that my own mechanism of defense has gone down
I do not know nothing anymore
I feel that I die a little each and everyday

and in the end, I lose the love for myself, making it impossible to enjoy being alive
even in the golden cage, within the walls of the lettuce city, with all the promises that september might bring.
i keep missing the target
no love for me, will ultimately translate in no love for anyone else.

To thy self be true
love thyself if thyself wants to recieve the gift of love

master block

perchance to write.
i dwell so dearly to find the words.
to express a single thought in its most purest form.
instead i find my self without a thread of thought.
all is messy up in the brain.
the ideas float from synapse to synapse, but they are not able too find coordination to reach the outside.
i feel a prisoner within my own head. it is as if i wanted to think but i am thoughtless
you can see from the pointless and futile exercise that appears in front of you now.

to  make matters worse, i feel i am developing a form of dislexia
imagine that i want to refer to the present with word now and i frequently write know
or i want to go to the past of be and instead of saying was i will go to have and say has
oh sweet confusion
i am affraid that i am getting dumber
new ideas are getting harder to form
and express i do not know how
also I am losing focus
I can't read for long periods
and even these are getting shorter
my attention span is closing

i think i will have a shell outlasting my innerself
and a spark of conscience will eventually abandon me

with a masters to complete, how am i going to succeed

Irony of lazy laziness

Hello dear ones!

I am never sure who is following, but it is always good to dream that perhaps behind the screen may lie some interested eyes that savour these tales of the living.
My lack of time to write can only be described as an excuse for my own lazyness
While I write these words now, all the signs in my body tell me to stop.

This is the irony of being lazy. I am too lazy to write about it.
Its boring stuff. I know
All my past few weeks have been like that, an excuse after an other, to keep on living.
I am on automatic.
I do what I am told, what they ask me.
They tell me I am great.
But I press random switches, and they always come in the combination they expect.
I use the same solutions over and over, but they do not tire of the cliche
But I am the big cliche

Friends and love ones tell me not too worry about these things.
I should do the retreat.
My shrink has very little to say
My friends have nothing more to add
My life as it is, as the promise of some many other things.
I need that the good spirit takes over from now on.
The bad ghost has been lingering far too long.
Peter Fallon, please go.
Let the nice Peter Fallon in.

So, the dilemma now, is how to deal with my own self pitty :P
Disgusting

Today in my Life

"Got up at 7:10 am.
Left home about 7:30, realizing I left my phone at home
Went to work at 8:00
Continued working on a news long piece until 11:50
From noon to 12:45 pm, I recorded an opinion show, with foreigners talking about portuguese way of life.
Had my lunch with an ex and some co-workers.
1:30 pm I recorded an interview about storks.
At 2:00 I resumed work on the news piece.
Between 2:45 and 3:00, I recorded a voice over for a small news piece
From 3:00 to 5:00 I recorded an entertainment show with music and interviews. Today's guest a famous Portuguese director.
At 5:00, I was invited to party
From 5:00 to 7:30, I finished work on the small news piece.
Between 7:45 and 8:15 I drove home
I heard the soccer match over the radio while I cook dinner. It was pasta.
I dined with the presence of the cats. One white and one black.
The portuguese team own the first hand of the game.
On my phone there was a job proposal, that I declined due to pending work on my masters and my classes
At 22:00 a new invitation came to attend a major event.
Between 22:00 and 22:45 I watched a download series.
And now I write this blog."

This was my tasteless view of today.

Death has dominion

Hello!
I am alive!
Still...

Today, a special person died.
One among thousands of people who died this year.
The special nature of this being lies in the memories and ties she gave me while we had a chance to cross our paths.
I was lucky to have met her.
The world became, by far, a better place thanks to her passing.

On a side note, I recall that 90s.
A period where I was much in contact with her.
I met her through her daughter and eventually got to know her son, who became my math tutor.
I remember, dinners during the summer.
I remember, trips to the beach.
Remember...

It was a time when I had so many people around me.
People that I used to call friends.
Must of them are gone now - they have got married, they have got jobs, they have got children.

One of them asked the nasty question: "do you still live with your parents?"
I can't stop feeling the weight of the sentence, and all that the nuissance and judgment it brings.
But I pause on that moment.

For the one who died was actually a parent of a dear dear friend.
And it is curious to see how people belittle me.
moreover, how i am still afected by these commentaries.
Oh well... I move on.

Still it is so strange.
"I" should not have died today
But "I" never had a chance
and neither will we.

So, all that I can do now, is move on!

Regards from here to there!
See you soon, in a couple of decades or so.
And thank you, for being here

START

Start  by making something  worthwhile.
Killing  friendships is not one of those things.
Honestly, I think that we have much future  if we stop treating caring for the people who show affection.

Note-taking is the fact that if we are not happy we must be honest and manifest our discomfort.
It is far better to be honest than to live a life of lies that end up being toxic in all of the matters  of your life.

The question which remains is -  how do we say that we are unhappy?
People always take it personally. If anyone comes up to me and tell me that I am being a bad influence in his/hers life I will get  the blues.
What if we care, love and still feel the acwardnes of the behavior of that significant other's ticks... What to do, then?
To tired to think of a worthwhile solution...

Sad & True

Hello!
I wish I could truly understand what is going on with me.
Is it fear?
Is it the unknown of things to come?
Has my patience towards others expired, rendering me a hopeless grumpy thirty-something?
Truly, I do not know.

I know this.
I am sad.
I do not reckon that the problem is obvious.
Perhaps it is.
I just do not see it as such.
What I see, is a tremendous lack of passion towards all that is around me.
I guess, that I am not able to see past my belly button.
I think that everything revolves around the little things I see and aspire to come true.
Love pretentious have fooled me so many times.
I project so much on my prospective significant others, only to be defrauded by my own overly ambitious expectations.
Even when all the elements seem to align, the prove remains that it does not depend on how good one can be, there is always some element.
The voice is too high.
The sensitive is overwhelming.
The lack of touch is insensitive.
The conversation has no common ground.
There is too much fear.
There is nothing more to be. But me.

Then, on the other side.. The great expectations.
Classes.

The book of lost senses.
Who am I, once more?

Surprises

Today, my colleagues surprised me, with a cake and a happy birthday song.

I feel happy.

A true feeling of connection with these people has grown through the six years and a half that I had with them, but I cannot seem to deny that there is a good feeling that connect me to them. 

A simple but steady trust that we can rely on the good things.

A special word for J.

The master mind behind this idea, who cooked a cake and gather the clans to surprise me. 

I knew that it is good to have friends.

It is wonderful to have friends like J that care.

Thank you all

Thank you J

Late at night

Hello dear ones!

Frequently, I lay in my bed gathering my memories of the day that is about to end, as soon as I take a few hours of rest. I guess, my rest determines the end of my day, rather than the most common midnight transference routine.
In any case, I lay here and wonder.
Sometimes, I wonder about the bad things - that which I loath, despise and hate.
About all that I wish I could change
All that I know I can change, but do very little or nothing at all to change it.
All that I know that I have changed, but regret doing it.

I think about my friends.
I think about how fortunate I have been to encounter unique individuals in my life, even the despicable ones.
I think that all of them brought some sort of teaching, in this big journey that I have been pursuing for the past 37 years.
37.
Wow.
What a flash!
It goes by like a dream.
There are so many possibilities ahead still.
So now I think a little a bit about the future.
Not so much what I want to happen there, but what can I be doing, right here in the present to let the possibility happen.
I wish I would not regret so much all that is lost.
I know that I have indulge myself many pleasures, that in some cases became sour, and were the detonator for ill pain that floated from within. Even so, I guess I am lucky, because none of these events have made me endure permanent damage. I guess that in a way, with each experience I gained knowledge and took further steps.
I cannot blame anyone really.
I have learned to identify what I do not like, and I have been doing a good job staying away from it.
I have also learned that what I do not like, is not a global equation. I mean, many other people may be perfectly comfortable with that which I dislike. So there is no true universal love.
For all the living creatures the only constant is change.
Even the planet which seems a huge blue sphere in the vastness of space is changing.
Nothing remains eternal without change.
So the best lesson I think of right now is that I cannot change anybody, nor should I try. Because everyone already has a path of change that naturally is taking place. My presence is only part of that design that is unfolding with each passing second. Little by little we change, as cells die and new ones take its place.
So I accept the difference of others, but I also reserve myself the right of liking and disliking.
I also grant myself the chance to change my mind about things - that is to say, that maybe tomorrow something that I disliked become something that I start enjoying, and vice-versa.

I guess, that late at night, on this exact night, I realize, that I embrace change, I welcome it.
With it comes evolution, revolution, and growth.

A toast to change.
If I can understand it properly, I would say that there is no such thing as good change or bad change, because the combinations are endless, and what seems a bad thing now, might indeed be the seed for a wonderful change. But all these considerations are ever so relative.
So, I will leave those for another day ;)

 

Silent Hurt

Nowadays it seems so simple to hurt and be hurt.
It may just be me, and may be I am a tiny wallflower but the amount of misconceptions and behaviours people have lead to an incredible quantity of hured feelings.
Sometimes people shout because they are concerned, hence conveying a message of intense feelings that does not speak at all about the true feeling that is behind that passionate response.
The use of computer mediate communication increases the level of confusion. Typically there is no feeling in the words, leaves a lot of room for speculation on the side of the person receiving the message.

Are you well?
Me! I am fine!

Is he being funny? Is he being serious? Is it irony? Is it anger?

So many many misconceptions, and in the end all the words that are written lack the proper emotion that can helps understand all the elements needed to fully understand what the true meaning was, and even then, there is the possibility that the person is hidding something.
I am not a strong believer in mankinds resolve to make peace among themselves, but at least they manage to live all the misconceptions with a fair amount of cynicism and sarcasm, until they become mad as hell and scream out from their lungs: "I can't take it anymore!".

So, why do we hurt each other so much?
Because you do not really understand the other, not really, just a tiny part, the one that matters to us.
To trully appreciate the other one should pay close attention to the body motion, the words, the sound, the display of affecttion.
And maybe the, we can see the hurt within and respect their right for pain.

High Rise

The eve of a celebration

It is said that I am a funny man.
I say I used to be so much more, and I do not think I have lost my sense of humour, I just think I have lost my sense of belief.
Funny people are connected with the ordinary components of daily events without expecting anything in return (the good or the bad).
Being closer to the edge makes me a better cynic in the sense that I smile and nod, just to avoid any confrontation.
I reckon that confrontations, disputes, debates, heated arguments, all that implies the oposition of two sets of ideas, must endeavour to bring something new. But I cannot stand all the pain and loss that comes with it.
So I guess that on the eve of a celebration, I realize so many missed oportunties to learn so much.
Even so, I am grateful for all the oportunities that granted me a new possibility of growth.

;)