Letter

"Hello!

I wish I had the courage to say these words to you.
The fact is that I linger in my pain, not because I enjoy it, not because I wish it, but because it is rather hard for me to move past this love.
It was wrong of me to presume so much, when you were only ready to give what you could.
I fell in love and you fell out of it.
These situations happened everyday in a thousand different cities with millions of different people.
It is selfish of me to think of only my pain.
Sometimes, I think if I have the right to feel pain, when there is so much more people that endure harder situations. People that would gladly take my pain in exchange for the ache the experience every second of their existence - hunger, war, violence, fear.

My own is just a manifestation of life as it is, in a dome of miscomforts.
Granted that it causes me anxiety, sadness, lack of sleep but it is only life, unfolding itself.
So this is why, I keep this open letter, written with an open heart, here instead of sending it to you.
If you happen to find it, it was meant for you to read it, if not it was only meant to be written.
Much like that classic story about love, this is also a letter of letting go, because the ultimate act of love is being able to surrender the one you care for and let them choose what they want.
I will never force you to love me as I do you. In fact I hope you never love me as I do you, because it would only cause you pain. This is a sick love. It is a love filled with pain and confusion.
It is an obsessed kind of love that has harmed me more than it give my peace.
The reality we lived propelled me into a world of illusion that crumbles down with each passing day.
There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you.
I try to numb myself with friends, family, job, school and entertainment, but in the after thought I relate it all to you.
The festivities seem empty without your presence.
My successes in life seem like defeats, because you are not there for me to share them with.
Anyone I try to meet, to confuse my hacking heart, pale in comparison to the memory I hold of you.
These writing exercises are all I have of an illusion of communication to somehow sooth my sadness.
I feel like I am throwing messages in a bottle to reach for you.
The illusion of a reunion lingers over and over again.
I guess that the great Edward Louis Severson III sang it best  when he sang:

"I know someday you'll have a beautiful life,

I know you'll be a star in somebody else's sky,

But why, why, why can't it be, can't it be mine?"

These words can be applied to all those that may have once loved me and by some reason, my lack of feeling for them betrayed their love for me and so now at last I get experience the bitterness of it all.
It is only fair that this moment will pass as it once did for them.
And then, I will move on.
For now, I surrender myself to the illusion that the reality is accommodating a better world for both of us.

All my love to you,

C"