As sensitive as an elephant in a china store

Such is the care that certain people have for other people, that they hear other people's stories with the same blaze attitude they would give to anyone would be rambling about small talk, like the weather, or the recipe for a new type of vegetarian lasagna
What is about our careless ways that we could have someone crying for food in front of us and we just walk with a simple neglect? Please take this awful person in front of me, so that I might carry one sipping my bourbon.

If i was to tell you the most intimacy of intimacy would you dare for one to neglect me?
What does it take to captivate people's attention these days?

Nothing.
People care for themselves.
They want to be alone with their own lives.
Please don't bother me with the details of your life, specially if we are talking about your feelings.
It is boring.
The world is for the strong of heart and soul. People do not need to hear about your problems.
We must solve the company's problems.
It does not matter if you are hurting. The system is the main.
But if we are the system, what happens when the parts of the system start to collapse?
They are replaced until the identity of the system is replaced not by the people who make up the social system, but by the heartless rules that we take for granted.

Such is the care that certain people have for other people, that it seems that we all live in a fragile world where an elephant is left loose rumbling inside a china store.

The carnivale is over

This week, my dream was shattered!
The good news is that it was a dream and not reality!
The bad news is that my reality was being shaped to fit that dream.

I am my own weakness.
I want to overcome this
I want to reach up and kiss the sky.
I want to believe that I can be good again.

I am alone with my illusions now.
Why did she believe in the illusion she had of me, and not the wonderful reality we had of eachother.

This fantasy
This carnivale is over.
Life goes on, now...

Outside
The storm clouds gathering,
Moved silently along the dusty boulevard.
Where flowers turning crane their fragile necks
So they can in turn
Reach up and kiss the sky.
They are driven by a strange desire
Unseen by the human eye
Someone is calling.
I remember when you held my hand
In the park we would play when the circus came to town.
Look! Over here.
Outside
The circus gathering
Moved silently along the rainswept boulevard.
The procession moved on the shouting is over
The fabulous freaks are leaving town.
They are driven by a strange desire
Unseen by the human eye.
The carnival is over
We sat and watched
As the moon rose again
For the very first time.

Perchance to be

Ah yes!

To be!

What could I possibly be?
Me for one!

But, who am I?
Where are all of the answers that make up for the questions that I have been posing for the past thirty-something years.
I guess there are no better answers than the ones I look for in my heart.
Still, my heart wishes to be a temple of love and instead it has become a tomb of grief.

Not what I wish to be!
I want to be that party where every body is invited and they all look forward for the upcoming occasion.
Still, a long the way, I lost some track on how to organize myself as a party.
I dwell too much on the limitations of a situation, rather than appreciating the abilities that I have acquired for the past years.
Perchance I wanted to be more at this point.

True.
I wanted to be better than most and slightly less vain than all.

Wrong.
Is my attitude towards life.
To covet what is not mine.
I guess that I wonder too many times on what things may come, without actually enjoying the beauty that stands before me.
I eagerly wait for the end of days.
Not of life
Not of the world
But the end of days that I thought were the right ones for me.

I get no satisfaction any more.
I have cursed the landed that allowed me to experience a bit of heaven and a glimpse of hell.
It is curious, however, that I had 2 weeks of heaven and 12 hours of hell at that pearl in the Adriatic sea, and the moments that linger the most are the 12 hours.
They linger in such way that I look at the map and I shiver from the suffering it inflicted on my permeable soul.
The reason why it still lingers in my heart, is that I gathered 2 weeks of fuel, and it seems unlimited.

Imagine if you had a tank in your car so big, that you could fill it for 2 weeks without stop.
How many kilometres would you travel until you ran out of fuel?
In my perspective I have a couple of months ahead of non-stop travelling until the fuel of love runs out.
Meanwhile, I perchance redefine my character.
Alas, I do not appreciate what I see.
I want more.
Could I possibly get it?
what I want it is not mine to claim, nor mine to demand for.

What I want lies in the will of another.
Someone who remains silent.
Who fails to  see the importance of sharing.
Not an hello, but rather feelings in the farm of attitudes or words.
So is the loneliness of the moment.

What am I ?

I am the lonely passenger of the empty train heading to Siberia, not knowing what dreams may come, but realizing that possibly dreams are just to give you a hint, and not to be literally lived.
I am the one, who would jump out of a plane for love
but instead got a I don't know.

I always thought I deserved much more than a I don't know.
In my feelings I knew that I could get a yes I do.
But possibly I have burnt so many souls in my travels that I guess that now is my time to taste the poison.

Paradise was good.
But the hell unfortunately stings like a bitch and abandons me rarely.

You know what I want?
Perchance to be
Happy!

Great Expectations

I believe that one of my worst problems is to expect to much from people, only to be disappointed by the short commings.
I now think that the problem is not with the people with whom I deposit my great expectations, the problem is in fact with the high hopes I put in them.
It is not their problem that I expect so much from them.
The problem in fact lies in my want to have them respond in such a given way.

If I expect to hear the words I love you and they do not come it does not mean that I am not loved, it just means that the person did not feel like saying it, never though of saying, it was not necessary to convey the words to express such feeling.

I think the best lesson I have learned is not to expect anything from anybody and just accept with gratitude whatever the people feel like sharing.
Because there is no greater regret than to wait for that which may never come.
I don't want to wait no more
I do not want to have any further expectations.
I just want to enjoy the moment that I have.
How do I do it!!!!!!!!?

Immortal memory

I write to immortalize my memories.
I write to leave a trail behind.
My memories are a record of what i have done.
Not all good and not all bad, but they remain as the most intimate account of my actions.
In some moments these, my memories, are the most profund connection with my sense of being that I have.
I wish, so deeply, to look back and smile upon what I have done and face the path ahead of me with such eagerness that the world would have a memory of me.
I keep on living, saving memories day by day as the most precious moments of my existence.
And so I will keep my immortal memory.

Surrender to Love

The other day I had quite a revelation with my truely admirable friend Adam. I bring you a excerpt of our conversation, which might help those in dire straits for the woman they love, to hopefully find some comfort and illumination in dealing with the inner ill part.

Adam: ..."You are in love with a woman who wants to be with you!

But you have no reason to believe that things will sour, but by dreading it, you are causing you both  pain.
Adam: Recall what the great Denny Crane tells us:

  the best part of love is the surrender

 
Adam: it sounds as though you have not surrendered at all

 
Adam: you need to accept that we cannot know the future

 
me: how so? 

Adam: and that maybe you will get hurt

 me: i see
Adam: but until you give in to that, you will never allow yourself to be fully happy

  Did you ever see "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? the ending was quite brilliant

  Winslet's character looks at Carrey and says:

  "But... if we're together it will all go wrong and we will both get hurt"and Carrey respnds: "...Okay." and smiles

  
Adam: you accept the pain

  because you get the love

  There will never be a relationship in either of our lives without pain--we love too deeply and feel too much but if we surrender, that means we will have the elation as well

 Adam: your pain is only coming from your doubt, not from her

 me: yes, it is. that is so true. it is my ill perception

 



Adam: Think of this:

 me: my over eagerness

 Adam: The best case scenario is, you two will stay together for years and years and years

  which, eventually, when you're a ripe old age, one of you will pass away, so you will lose her and experience pain no matter what  

SO, just like our most prized possessions will one day be broken or lost,

  as the Tao states: they are already gone.

  So rather than fear that moment

  we should celebrate every moment we have BEFORE they are gone

  you are ruining your love and maybe her love because you are afraid of losing it

Instead you should celebrate it daily, not wondering and not caring when it will end

  because after all, tomorrow you and I could both be hit by a bus

  and head off to the balcony time in the afterlife

A bad beginning

I had a dream.
It's gone.

Now I live day by day by day, thinking of what dreams may come.
It does not feel like my fabric of dreams will give me anything.

I have no idea if anything will change.
I wake up everyday, with a grey feeling in me.

And one day it will be gone.
For the bad beginning of one day does not mean a bad beginning for the rest.

Morning anguish

I guess the anguish I felt was so big on this day that the only words I could utter were:

"...."

Why do I do this to myself?

But there are always possibilities!

Invisible man

To see the invisible man.
When did I become invisible to some?

I always thought that it could be a wonderful power to have, but in the end it turns out quite lonely.
Nobody pays attention to us. If we hurt, people tend to pass you over.
Moreover, the person whom you love the most will completely ignore you, because she doesn't notice you.

The biggest pains in my life arrive from feeling ignored on purpose.
I guess that on those occasions, I become invisible to people.
They do not grant me anything they would grant the air they breathe, because they take me as they take the air for granted.

The fantasy of the dying sometimes occurs to me. "oh they will see when I am gone, they will miss me then".
But I realise that life is happening at such a fast pace that no one would actually cared.

So it is foolish to end life to call for attention, because what will you do after you call the attention?
Nothing, you're dead!

What is the solution for the invisible man, to live, to care for what needs to be cared, and maybe one day, someone will notice that the invisible has feelings, has purpose, has importance.
That he matters.
I think I matter.
I just wish I would not feel so invisible to people who are so visible in my heart!

Focus focus focus

Focus!

All I want is to focus!
All I want is to stop worrying and focus on what I have to do!
And I have so much to do!
I take no drugs or medications for this.
In fact I take no drugs or medications for anything.
Of course, I cannot say anything about the products that I eat. 
Maybe they change my mood!
Oh my God! Am I being paranoiac?
And if I am, how does it stop?

I have a heart racing at 100 mph on a road that ends on a steep cliff. I have no way of stopping it.
Any suggestions in how to slow it down and maybe just turn the wheel and move to a safer location.

Maybe if I can focus, I can do all this!

But how to focus.
I feel that I am trapped in a room of ill spirits that drain my energy at any cost. 
It is strange.
what is it?
where did I go so wrong?
Did I sell my soul to the devil at anytime during this year, while I was not paying attention?  And this my judgement now for eternity?
Can I get any appeal?

What am I talking about?
What am I writing about?

See, no focus!
My mind wonders, left and right, without anybody at the wheel.
I have lost control someway back.
I put responsibilities on somebody, but in fact is all here, in me.

What to do?
Nothing but be.
Mostly be happy.

Tolstoi said once:
If you want to be happy, just be!
WELL!
I WANT TO!
ACTIVATE HAPPINESS!
NOW
Dammit!
The darn switch is broken! AGAIN!
And worse of all , the switch is stuck on misery.

I already called the help desk. But their busy.
Typical!

I most write about this.
It is the best way I can cope with it.
But more than that, I must share it. 
Even if I don't have a public.
At least it is stored somewhere.

One day, you might drop by and see this.
You can laugh, cry.
It does not matter really!
It is such personal bullshit... that you should not waste your time here, after all, you have your own life to live.

What will I do now?
The same!
FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS!
Perchance to heal some part of me.

Scream

Boy do I want to scream?

Do I want to rip out my lungs and put outside all the river of contempt that runs deep!!!?

It is  consuming me more than I can bare.
Lie. I can bare it. I am baring it. If I couldn't I would not write.

Screaming to all of you.
Yes, the litte crickets in the room that witness this pathetic display.

You may ask why do I scream?
I scream because I am trapped in an emotional loop that is stuck on sadness and expectation.

If I could remove the expectation, perchance the sadness would disappear.

There is nothing worse than have faith in something that does not depend on us, only to realize that the faith was ill deposited.

I can force anyone to be something that he or she is not.
So, as my good friend once said. I need to surrender to the fact that I have no choice.
So why suffer?
Why torture myself, with that which is not.

"and all the kings horses, and the kings men,
will never put these pieces back together again"

So, perchance to scream, to cry, to laugh, to go insane.
Whatever it maybe ... somehow I will deal with the madness, that is taking over!!!!

And in the end. I lose it all!
Because, I screamed too much!
And scared away ...

Death and the selfishman

Will I ever recover?

Will I ever encounter my selfless spirit?
People around me cry and die.
I worry only about my feelings.
Feelings that are too strong to ignore.
These are not like the stone in the shoe kind of feeling.
It is rather like the sharp knife that has been craved to the heart.
I am sure that certain people that I have hurted throughout my life, now rub their hands and say.... Good for you, you bastard. How does it feel?
You should even suffer  more!

To them I say, don't worry, I am sure I will. Not because you want to, because of a sick mind that lives upstairs.

But amongst all this hubhub of feelings and voices in my head, I still feel like the selflish lazy prick that once I was.
It is has if has risen inside my mind.

People may ask, why does he write these things.
Why do we care?

You don't need to care.
I need to vent.
This is my open message in a bottle.
You may find it, or you may never know it existed.
But at least I purged it into the world.
Not as trash that lives in me, but as raw matter that I cannot deal, and who knows? Who knows? Perchance one may find empathy in these harsh words of a loner in a world full of people.
This to say, that around me I see many bad things, and I do nothing.
I am aware of them, but I am mostly aware of me.
And while I don't repair myself, I cannot help anyone.

I just hope that before death comes and takes me to its slumber that I may find some comfort in the person that I become.
I have too many emotions floating of my skin, because I cannot keep them inside.

I wonder how many people can restrain themselves so much.
Perchance they have some escape mechanisms.
I too must find me some inner fail-safe to better cope with so much emotion, and reactivate my soul and be human again.

Until then I am just a selfish man looking out actionless as death takes out one by one people until one day it will start taking people that I realize that I care, but never said I love you enough.

It is difficult to admit that we can be cold and selfish.
I feel that i am not quite cold, but not knowing how to deal with feelings is making me colder!!!
And if I get too cold, one day I will die and I won't even know the difference!

Surprise

I have a bird!
Its just a sweet sweet bird!
She wonders around, I don't keep her in a cage.
This bird knows no bounderies.
This bird before meeting me lived many many deceptions.
In fact, I truly believe that this bird is always expecting to be disappointed by me.
I am not sure if I will ever surprise this bird, but the fact is that this bird everyday sings me a song.
Lately, she sings lower and lower, almost at a faint level, I can barely hear it. But I hear it.
It feels like a cry of sorts.
I do not understand her cry, because I don't understand what she wants.
I really like this bird, but I cannot stop this feeling that I have that one day, I will wake up, and this bird will no longer be there to sing me a song.
I feel that dreaded day is coming closer, when she will go to somebody else's windowsill and start a new song.

I cannot cage her.
I cannot understand her
I cannot force her to sing to me.
I can let her choose.

For there is no more deeper love than to respect the will of another, even if it is ultimately against our finest wishes.
Perchance one day, this bird will surprise me and will start her song with quite strong happiness.

I miss my bird song!

Can anybody tell me, exactly where I am?

The entire fabric of my reality is failing me.

I would imagine that the ones closest to us would be the first ones to share whatever they have to share.
Instead they hide their fears, their stories, themselves really.
To share themselves with others.

What am I a shadow? A hollow man that has no impact in the life of the other.
I feel completely lost in this world of deception that happens everyday.
That I cannot tell or show my feelings from a far, because the diffraction of the light will somehow twist my words, my actions, and will give an image of a different person.

Should I be close or far?
No matter. It is not my choice.
I can only wait.
That is my choice.
I wait to be evicted from a world I decided to enter.
There is no easy way to wait for the facts that do not depend on us.
I wish somehow that I was stronger or wiser or luckier to see life in a funnier light.
I need to laugh from all this.
I need to end this misery that is my failed perspective of that which cannot be.

Meanwhile, I look for the map. I find nothing. I am dyslexic and lose my words and my expression.
I have no hollow pursuits, I AM an hollow pursuit!
A doppelganger that is living my life with a different energy and I am slowly realising that this is not me.
But then who am I?
Where am I?
What am I doing here?

I am sure Mr. David Lynch is somewhere lurking. Possibly he is writing this plot of a life as I am telling you this faint words.

Today, I wish I would faint and wake up in numbness...
Wait, I am already.
Instead give me a purpose, something that takes me from the moor, from this quick sand that prevents me from moving on.

And so, I will take my steps!
Where will I go?
It doesn't matter, because no one tells me exactly where I am ?
The one who could tell me where we are, is not talking!
And neither will I!

Spot the braincell

Lord I've must have been blind

Perchance I could one day understand all this mysterious magic that is happening around me.
I feel that little value is been given to me.
Maybe the reason is not on the outside, but instead on the inside.
We cannot expect high value from others, if we do not recognise this image on ourselves.

The magical sentence of the movie "American Beauty":

"To be successful, you must project an image of success"

I guess many people live on this delusion and need to see it to believe it.
Words are not enough.
Actions rule.
Money talks and bullshit walks - here is another classic that people like hold on to.

I think we will all be mindless drones if we don't put a little more faith in each other and just need to see the action all the time.

I guess it does not take much to find the brain cell capable of just trusting.

Opening the mouth and just spill out the trust. After all, I am just someone. Perhaps special.

"And you said: Sail to me... sail to me.. let me unfold you...
here I am... waiting to hold you!"

You never came!

Ludovico Einaudi

Ludovico Einaudi is a genius of the modern times. His work these days has been a magnificent inspiration to help me cope with all the emotions that fly through me. I feel that ever since July I have opened the pandora's box of emotions that and I am slowly remembering what it means to feel. Perhaps this is a lesson that I need to learn . I guess this is the only I can possibility tap into my unique potential perchance realize the substance of what it means to be alive. Fortunately the music of Ludovico Einuadi is amazing it is the kind of soothing sound that expresses exactly some of the uniqueness feeling. Perchance I will be a better dreamer because of him. I thank this fine genius for all threeinspiration we grants me. And to help me find the strength to express feeling .

Calling all Stations

Calling all stations!

Can anybody hear me?

I know I have visitors. I know the people land here and just leave after a brief passage. I wonder how many words any of them read?

My friends that come here, those make the effort to read at least a paragraph. 

But nobody writes. Nobody comments.

Nobody actually cares.

No one wants to know where this vessel is going.

I am going somewhere, and at times it feels scary, that is why I am calling all stations in the hopes that anyone stop and care.

But I am sure that people have called for my attention one time or another. I wonder did I stop to hear their cry?

Do any of us actually to stop to help?

I guess I am calling all stations to stop being such a cold person and start paying attention to all those in need.

And this is very beautiful to say but it is not so easy to do.

I must face my fears and be good.

What should I do... well now, I can just do this...

Call all stations!