Focus focus focus

Focus!

All I want is to focus!
All I want is to stop worrying and focus on what I have to do!
And I have so much to do!
I take no drugs or medications for this.
In fact I take no drugs or medications for anything.
Of course, I cannot say anything about the products that I eat. 
Maybe they change my mood!
Oh my God! Am I being paranoiac?
And if I am, how does it stop?

I have a heart racing at 100 mph on a road that ends on a steep cliff. I have no way of stopping it.
Any suggestions in how to slow it down and maybe just turn the wheel and move to a safer location.

Maybe if I can focus, I can do all this!

But how to focus.
I feel that I am trapped in a room of ill spirits that drain my energy at any cost. 
It is strange.
what is it?
where did I go so wrong?
Did I sell my soul to the devil at anytime during this year, while I was not paying attention?  And this my judgement now for eternity?
Can I get any appeal?

What am I talking about?
What am I writing about?

See, no focus!
My mind wonders, left and right, without anybody at the wheel.
I have lost control someway back.
I put responsibilities on somebody, but in fact is all here, in me.

What to do?
Nothing but be.
Mostly be happy.

Tolstoi said once:
If you want to be happy, just be!
WELL!
I WANT TO!
ACTIVATE HAPPINESS!
NOW
Dammit!
The darn switch is broken! AGAIN!
And worse of all , the switch is stuck on misery.

I already called the help desk. But their busy.
Typical!

I most write about this.
It is the best way I can cope with it.
But more than that, I must share it. 
Even if I don't have a public.
At least it is stored somewhere.

One day, you might drop by and see this.
You can laugh, cry.
It does not matter really!
It is such personal bullshit... that you should not waste your time here, after all, you have your own life to live.

What will I do now?
The same!
FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS!
Perchance to heal some part of me.