Death and the selfishman

Will I ever recover?

Will I ever encounter my selfless spirit?
People around me cry and die.
I worry only about my feelings.
Feelings that are too strong to ignore.
These are not like the stone in the shoe kind of feeling.
It is rather like the sharp knife that has been craved to the heart.
I am sure that certain people that I have hurted throughout my life, now rub their hands and say.... Good for you, you bastard. How does it feel?
You should even suffer  more!

To them I say, don't worry, I am sure I will. Not because you want to, because of a sick mind that lives upstairs.

But amongst all this hubhub of feelings and voices in my head, I still feel like the selflish lazy prick that once I was.
It is has if has risen inside my mind.

People may ask, why does he write these things.
Why do we care?

You don't need to care.
I need to vent.
This is my open message in a bottle.
You may find it, or you may never know it existed.
But at least I purged it into the world.
Not as trash that lives in me, but as raw matter that I cannot deal, and who knows? Who knows? Perchance one may find empathy in these harsh words of a loner in a world full of people.
This to say, that around me I see many bad things, and I do nothing.
I am aware of them, but I am mostly aware of me.
And while I don't repair myself, I cannot help anyone.

I just hope that before death comes and takes me to its slumber that I may find some comfort in the person that I become.
I have too many emotions floating of my skin, because I cannot keep them inside.

I wonder how many people can restrain themselves so much.
Perchance they have some escape mechanisms.
I too must find me some inner fail-safe to better cope with so much emotion, and reactivate my soul and be human again.

Until then I am just a selfish man looking out actionless as death takes out one by one people until one day it will start taking people that I realize that I care, but never said I love you enough.

It is difficult to admit that we can be cold and selfish.
I feel that i am not quite cold, but not knowing how to deal with feelings is making me colder!!!
And if I get too cold, one day I will die and I won't even know the difference!