Love to be loved

Oh I love to be loved.

Who doesn't?
I guess, we love to be loved by the people we love.
To be loved by a complete stranger may have little impact on us, because there is just one specific love we want to receieve.
From that unique person, that make our day whole.

the big mistake is when you let your life depend on that love alone.
Life is not to be dependent on just what someone gives you, but instead what you give yourself. What you want for yourself and what you will do for it.

So, much like my dear Peter Gabriel, I confess that I love to be loved, and so i quote his song:

"This old familiar craving
I've been here before, this way of behaving
Don't know who the hell I'm saving anymore
Let it pass let it go let it leave
From the deepest place I grieve
This time I believe

And I let go [x2]
I can let go of it
Though it takes all the strength in me
And all the world can see
I'm losing such a central part of me
I can let go of it
You know I mean it
You know that I mean it
I recognize how much I've lost
But I cannot face the cost
'Cause I love to be loved"

Love to be loved - Peter Gabriel


So, you know how people are
When it's all gone much too far
The way their minds are made
Still, there's something you should know
That I could not let show
That fear of letting go

And in this moment, I need to be needed
With this darkness all around me, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear, I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved [x2]
Yes, I love to be loved

I cry the way that babies cry
The way they can't deny
The way they feel
Words, they climb all over you
'Til they uncover you
From where you hide

And in this moment, I need to be needed
When my self-esteem is sinking, I like to be liked
In this emptiness and fear,
I want to be wanted
'Cause I love to be loved
I love to be loved [x2]
Oh I love to be loved

This old familiar craving
I've been here before, this way of behaving
Don't know who the hell I'm saving anymore
Let it pass let it go let it leave
From the deepest place I grieve
This time I believe

And I let go [x2]
I can let go of it
Though it takes all the strength in me
And all the world can see
I'm losing such a central part of me
I can let go of it
You know I mean it
You know that I mean it
I recognize how much I've lost
But I cannot face the cost
'Cause I love to be loved

Yes I love to be loved
I love to be loved
[x3]

I love to be loved
I love to be loved
Yes I love to be loved

Perchance neglected

How strange is my perception?

I interpret so many things wrongfully.
I imagine things in a way, but I have no true way of knowing if they are truthful.

Just because events do not unfold as I would imagine they should unfold it does not mean that the facts are different.
I guess, it means the explanation of these facts is just different.

To feed my self with pointless explanations of why some action or inaction are carried out just makes me give in to fear. 

So I feel neglected, but am I really being neglected?
I feel that I get no attention, but how much attention do I usually need?
How much attention do I usually give?

Am I neglecting someone?
Is someone neglecting me?

Sometimes, I wish I could not feel these things and just be well.
Perchance I am not neglected but I am just too dependent!

I do not want to be dependent!

Express yourself

What is it dear ones with our expressions of affection, that sometimes seem so hard to come out?

I have wondered many times, what is it that refrains us from expressing our affections?

Is it fear?

Is it shame?

Are we to proud to say what we really feel?

Or do we want to hide our precious feelings so that no one can take advantage of us?

I Feel that I have more to gain by sharing myself than actually holding back.

People who hold too much, carry a larger suitcase of emotions, and sometimes they do not know how to deal with all of them.

It is easier sometimes to pretend than to deal with the facts.

But if we are honest enough with ourselves to face the facts, then we are winners, for us and ultimately to others. Because we are much more truthful.

Take the fact, if you will, of a friend I have, that has been struggling to find is place in the world.

Should he keep studying

Should he get a job

Should he pursue a dream

Should he face what he really wants.

I feel personally that if he can express himself to himself first, he will be able to overcome the challenges that he faces.

These challenges, by the way, start within.

We have a bigger challenge within us, which is to be truthful.

To hear our cry, to hear our heart.

To let it express it self.

Be it by a conversation with a friend

Be it by painting

Be it by acting

Be it by writting on a blog, whatever it is that goes on your mind.

Now, I write here, more and more.

I do it in the hope that someone passes and take interest and perchance, who knows... express him or herself.

The harshest place on earth



 

The harshest place on earth is in the mind,

the lightest place on earth is in the heart.

 

 

I have no doubt that during the past few months, exception made to my time in Croatia, I have been living my own personal hell, carried by my own demons.

These demons live inside my head, they are in my mind, they feed me with wrong vibes and feelings about the reality.

They are just affecting my perception, imparing me to perform normally.

 

 

I see evil where there is no evil

I see unhappiness where there is a route for happiness.

I am obsessed where i should be light.

 

Everyday has been a battle of the feelings.

I imagine what I think is real

I forget to tap into my heart, where the true joy of being alive is.

 

I surrender now to the fact that I have no control in my life except to be who I am.

I accept the person that I am.

I have unique qualities that make me a remarkable human being.

 

Everyone has the chance to be remarkable in their own way.

It is hell to live according to other people's expectations.

 

My own expectation should be to live without expectations and still perform the best I can possibly do.

 

I will keep on giving myself to the world.

I can be beautiful if I see myself beautiful.





 

 

 

 

 



Help, I am my own enemy

HELP!

In me is my own worse enemy.
It is killing me.
It is slowly taking control of my mind.
It is giving me fear.

I don't want this fear.
It paralyses me.

I don't know with whom should I talk.

I talk with people, they hear  my cry, but then they go back to their lives.
They cannot do anything more and listen and tell me nice truths.

But my mind is compromised, it surrenders itself not to  the truth but to the lie of perception.
It only enhances what is not there to give me a wrong view of life.

People are dear and sweet
and still i sufocate.

I cannot speak with anyone about this because I have no more words, and because they don't want to listen

I am mentally sick
I have led my self into a corner
I have given power to someone who does not know what to do it.
Instead of sharing me her power, she took both and she lives her life and leaves me all alone.

Well not all alone, but alone as I feel like being.
Because I cannot face anyone. It makes me too anxious.
I Feel silly
I feel stupid

But I know that I am good

The world is shit, but it is not my fault
My life is not shit, it is gold, but I cannot appreciate it.

I am beautiful, but I don't love myself.
and I have so much love to give, why can't I love me instead.

Why can't I motivate myself with the love I give to another.
Instead of making her feel nervous with my love, why not love me and me alone.

What am I to that woman
a shadow, an echo.

She does not let me into her world so I stay outside.....

F***

I hate this
no one understands
or they all understand too well, and all they can do now is watch.
Watch as I struggle with the enemy within.
But where do I find it.

How do I sooth my spirit?

How can I restore my confidence in my self and do the things that are trully great.

I sigh these days as I breathe.
Is this the way to live a normal life?

What have I done?

Where did I go wrong?

Was it falling in love for the distance?

Was it not nurturing society enough.

Why cant't  I love myself more?

how do i love myself more?
How do I seduce myself into accepting that I am extraordinary and that I have the power to change the world

I have done so much
The world is not my fault
I have friends, so I must be doing something right.

How can I go back into the center and stop being the satellite
No one cares much about satellites they care for who is in the spotlight!


Help I need to get my body back
I need to get my soul back

I have a pain inside, and I WANT IT TO STOP
I CAN STOP IT.
I CAN CONTROL MYSELF

IT IS ALL IN ME 
THE GOOD AND THE BAD
SO HOW DO I?

ANSWER ME!
SOMEONE PLEASE; OUT THERE IN THE VOID; GIVE ME AN ANSWER!

Someone please hear my cry for help!
I need attention.
I am fishing for compliments
i am fishing for life
I want more life 
and less death

Death is killing 
Death of the soul
Death of the spirit.



I WANT TO FEEL HAPPY
I WANT TO LOVE AGAIN
I WANT TO BELIEVE IN SOMETHING THAT IS REAL!

Friends

There are friends I will remember all my life.

Friends that care and show me the way when my view is darkened by my fear.
People who help me grow.
People that take me to a better side of me.
People that don't give up on me, just because I am sad or blue.
People who actually listen, and listen, boy do they listen.

And after they listen, they say their piece and on this moment I see.

There is no way of telling if it is the truth or not.
I have no idea what the truth is.
All this seems an illusion most of the times.
But, they care enough to give me a different point of view.
A point of view that clears my fog
A point of view that should have been so clear to me if I was not so deep in my emotions that I could not see anything else.

What I wish, is strength of character?
I want to face my fears and realise that I have not to be afraid, because my sentence is already written.
I am going to die.
And so are you, and you.

So, if all this is already a fact. What is there to fear?
The loss of comfort?
The loss of money?

Everything is already lost, is just a matter of time.
So if I live fully, perchance I can go further and not dwell in the stupidity of my frozen fear.

These are such facts.

I have friends.
Not all close.
Not all far.
But the friends are more than a distance, they show their presence when needed.
Everyone fears something.
so few actually face it.

My friends have no fear of facing me and telling me their truth.
I am wise if I can listen and learn from them.

A warm thank you to all of them.

Cyrano dissappeared

Cyrano dissappeared today.
Roxanne told him that he should not write beautiful things to her all the time, because it leaves her very nervous and she needs to focus on other things.

Cyrano disappeared on the banks of the river Seine, leaving a letter behind.

"The moon is no longer my home,
there are no more purpose for my words
i write to you, but instead my words are heavy
and they fail gravity and fall into the abyss

A deep and shallow abyss which returns no echo, no passion, instead
the Emptiness consumes the rest of my energy and all that remains is a shadow of what was once myself.

This body served its purpose and now it has none.

My words have no witness
my words have no fate but to be orphans without a home.

When I search for where should my body lie,
I find no comfort.
For the moon, where once was my home, abandoned me, aswell"

It is not easy to be Cyrano.
It is not easy to feel without a purpose.
It is like having an arm strapped to you that serves no one.
If his purpose was to tell her is love, what should he do if she does not want to hear it.
To whom would he say it to.

The words of love cannot be randomly given,
They are to be delievered to that unique person.
If that unique person dismisses them, they're purpose ceases to be.

So it is possible to give too much love
It is possible to give too much
It is possible not to care for the words of the other.
What is too much kills you...
What is too little thirsts you...

Poor poor Cyrano, where will you go, what will you do.
I wait for you, when you are needed again.

This one goes out to the one I love

Somewhere, not close to me, the one I love sleeps.
I wish her well, as I always have.
To love is just that, to do what it takes to ensure that the loved one is well.

I believe she is well.
I want to believe that both of us are.
We are passionate people with different takes on life.
Different educations.
Different languages.
Different points of view.

Sometimes it is not easy to come across on the bridge of understanding.
Perchance to stop and listen and understand what the other one is  saying.
Funny it seems, that the other one sometimes wants something without saying what it is.
Funny it is, when you realize what it is and you make it happen.

"It is difficult to answer, when you don't understand the question"

The question here is, what is the question.
How do you solve a puzzle of relationship.
What is the most important fact?
Living according to society.
Being together.
Building a life together based on each-others strengths and desires.

I am a dreamer.
I have strength of seven suns, compromised by the weakness of fearing the unknown.
Trust is the main.
But trust is fed by actions that reinforce it.

Belief is the bridge that will bring the lovers together.
Belief in each other
Belief that even in darkness, the other one is still there waiting for you to arrive.
Belief that no matter where you go, the other one will find you, because you are meant to be together.
Belief that it is, because it is.

Wherever you are my love, on this dream of yours.
No, but this, it is easier to give up than to keep on going.
It is the inner faith that guides me and it will be your acceptance that will be my safe haven.
Until I reach you, I can only keep doing my journey one day at a a time.

About weakness, it is not weak the one who shows his emotion, but the one who carries it, because he is holding something that is undermining is soul.
It is better to be truthful, than to cover the lie.
It is better to say what needs to be said, than to perpetuate the deception.
It is better to accept the truth than to conform to the silence.

"We are such stuff as dreams are made off"

There is no better moment than now to wake up and build the reality.
We have found each other.
The emotion is the strength.
It is the power of the engine of motivation that will drive me to you.
If I let the evil emotions to consume me, it will also be the malfunctions that will make me vessel unable to travel.

The journey to you, continues, while you keep the lighthouse shining light upon my path.


Wherever you maybe.
This one goes to you, my love.

If I call you in the night, will my voice reach you in the morning

If I call you in the night, will my voice reach you in the morning?

More importantly, will you be there to listen it as I call your name?
And if you listen my lonely cry, in the dawn, will it move your heart to feel the passion that I have for you and hopefully produce some spark to make you feel the same for me?

If I put all my love in one single word, to reach you and you alone, would you understand that the word would be for you and only you?

Can all the love of a word spark back the passion you once had?
And could that word make you smile beyond any doubt showing to all those blessed to see you, that you are happy because somewhere in this tiny blue planet there is someone important enough to you, who cares?

Would the word of love, that would wake you from your nightmare, transform your day into a dreamy reality? 
And could you do your part to make this dream come true?

How many words must I say, to wake you from your routines into your dreams?
How much love must I show to convince you that in every second there is a chance to take the steps that will make everything right?

What will be the final word that will convince you that this does not have to be the final word?

And do you know, that it does not matter how much love I show, how much sorrow I feel, that if your heart does not want it, there is nothing I can do to make it work?

And if you don't feel the passion, if you don't feel the love, the most honest thing you can do, is be truthful and not keep me captive in a sea of deception and illusion, where I will keep myself trapped to your siren song.

Until I know what it is that your heart longs for, really longs for. 
I guess I will call your name every night in the hopes that one day, you can call my name, and do not hide in your frail emotions for me, that you are too unsure to express.

In this night I keep my cry for you.
And tomorrow too...
As faithful as the first day you sparked my life.

Beyond the truth

What is the truth?

Does anybody really knows?

Sometimes, I feel like I am living with the assumption of a set of information that I believe to be true, but somehow my gut felling tells me that there something very wrong.
As we all know, the gut is as reliable as gossip or foul rummors in the office.

Whatever it is, I know for a fact that something just feels quite wrong.
I could rumble upon the government but all I know is that for any government, the truth is always a matter of national security. This wonderful cloak that is put between the public and the shady dealings that happen in the backstage.

The politicians should be like family. They should know that when they are doing a bad business they are hurting somebody from their family.
They cannot hide behind false smiles and half-truths to gain the trust of anybody.
Lies and deceptions will grant us nothing.
We just need to be honest.
Of course, I understand the concept of relativity.
That to say everything is not usually the best policy, because there is the emphasis. People tend to focus on one details ignoring the rest.
So what is it then?

The full truth
A half truth
A convenient truth

You make your choice
You make your consequence

There is no point in defining one ground rule, because we are all different!

Happiness

I must be turning into a biopolar being.
Now, I am on top of the world.
I believe I can do everything.

I feel extraordinarly happy.

My girl believes in me.
My world has a purpose.
I have plans that are very possible to execute.

It is quite interesting, how just 40 minutes ago, I was feeling sufocated in my anguish, provoked by a fear that I cannot understand.

What is it about this strange foe that lives in me?
What does it want?
Why is he attacking me so frequently?
And how can I defeat him?

Everytime, I am ok with myself, I can fight him off.
And I feel happy.

But sometimes, my defenses go low and I have no idea of what to do, and how to do deal with my self.

Just like that song...

"I just don't know what to do with myself"

Breathe

Breathe in
Breathe out

I know that my breath will be part of the solution to help me overcome the virus of fear that lives in me.

If I don't do something about this, it will kill me hopes and dreams.

I have no reason to be afraid, but I fear.

How do you kill the bugs that are in your brain and give a bad feeling to the stomach. 

I so deseperately want to believe that I can shake this feeling of frustration that attacks me and prevents me to do what I need to do.

I have a masters that I need to focus.
I need to read texts for the classes that I will teach
I need to be focused at my work 

So many things that are so interesting, that can bring me to new plateaus. I WANT TO KILL THIS PARALISING FEAR.

So I should breathe until the extra O2 just feels me up with a sense of confidence about me.
I know that I can do it.
I know that I will do it.

I am good.
So, my goodself, just breathe!

Beauty of my love

My love is the most beautiful person I have ever seen.

Of course, this is the truth that my eyes convey to my heart and no one can make me believe otherwise.

She is the reason of my most powerful happiness moment in my life.

It is unfair to her, to demand more happiness from her. If she gave me at least once the chance to feel like this, then my life has been worth living. 

I thank her for this.

My luck is that she is still my love and I believe that inside her love still carries my name, so if I am really lucky I will someday experience more of this happiness.

Her beauty is not just physicall, although I could say that her eyes are the most gracious I have seen, in a mix green, brown and yellow pattern. 
A smile that glows a room and brings life to any part of the world that might have been dead.
Her skin is soft and delicate to the touch.
Her hair, much like the skin of chameleon changes to different styles and colors according to her mood.

Her soul is gentle and sweet.
She likes to be happy.
She cares for life
Every chance she gets she hurries for life and finds a friend or two to spend some funny moments.
She will not linger into sorrow or pain, because she does not grant these emotions the importance they would wish.
She leaves a free and passionate life with herself, and takes whatever life throws her way. 

My love is the most beautiful within and outside.

And even if my love one day decides to go, she will carry this beauty with her to another, because she has the charm that the angels granted her.

As the daughter of a jeweler she was made to be the crown jewel of the collection, and she really is stunning to the sight.

But be warned, her charm is not limited only to the sense of sight, she bares many fine qualities that seduced my hearing, my taste, my smell and my touch.

There for she is the echo over the voice that comes from a far and reminds me that the world is a beautiful place to live because it has beautiful people like my love.

Other beautiful people exist as the truth to their lovers eyes.

This is why is important to love, because it gives you a perspective on the beauty that matters the most, the one the touches your heart.

I feel beautiful when my love smiles to me!

Let me tell you about my present

Today I am selfish.

In fact, I think I have been selfish for quite a long time, but now I am really conscientious of the fact.

I care very little for what I see around me.

I care for my pain and I am obsessed by it.
It clogs my mind to anything other than myself.

This is the lowest moment of my existence, because I know I have the potential to be so much more.

I like to fish for complements and if you want this is another pathetic excuse to get some.

My friends, if any, are living there lives. 
I don't care much about anyone.

I just want my pain to go way.

Unlike a drug addict that knows what substance he should take to buy a few more painless hours, I have no idea of what actions I should do.

This is my pain.
I don't know where I got it.
I know that I have it.
I know that loneliness is a beast that keeps me company in my empty room.

My feeling is that no one cares, and that is not true, but I also don't let them get near because I don't want them to tell me what to do.
SO I am trapped inside my pride and that is also no good.

My present today sucks, and this is the irony, I have everything I need to come out of this as the luckiest man on Earth, if only I could grow some attitude.

So to you, caring reader, I ask you, how do you develop an attitude?

I try everyday to run, and hide the pain in my physical effort, but as soon as I return to the haven, the pain is there as a back thought, that doesn't want to let go.

Sometimes, I think I should go to my friends, but I can I tell them. Hey! I am in pain! Pay attention!
My thought is, they could care less, because they have their on life to mind about. Much like I do with mine.

I talk to some people about my problem until they say they need to sleep.
I said too much, I feel too much.

This is the moment that proves that today, I am a selfish person that is too concerned about getting rid of a feeling that hurts so much inside.

I don't know, if you understand, but this is all rhetoric to help me release the frustration within.

I have a million things to do in my life and my focus is completely scrambled due to this pain.

How I wish to fix myself, to grow beyond the pain, to say to the pain, I do not want you anymore, I don't deserve you, you are not mine. Take this pain from me.

But much like everyone else, I guess that the pain must be slowly erased, with life.
I need to out live the pain and move forward with my life.

If it is loneliness that I feel, I should find company
If it is emptiness that I feel, I should fulfil myself
If it is sorrow that I fee, I must find love.

But my love is too far away to keep me company, to fulfil me, to quench my sorrow.


I write this as a mute cry of help. If somebody stumbles, maybe I can find a way out of this maze that is my emptiness.
I want to be whole again.
I want to go beyond this stupid feeling.

Hope has a place

It begins with a dream.
It is good to dream.
Perchance to ambition. New prospects for life.
The funny thing about hope is that is always with you.
Wherever you go, you hope that something might happen.
You have expectations. Always, even when we say we have no expectations, that is a negative expectation to hope for.
So, hope has a place. But hope feeds on belief. Belief comes from within.
It is the gut feeling that allows everyone to be a winner at least once.
And everyone is allowed to win.
Once at least.
I have had my share of victories.
But I have also had my share of disbelieves.
Come to think about it, I do not know so well, how to reach a state of pure belief.
And how I want to believe...
First of all in me.
Last of all in me.
If I believe
If I make myself achieve
All will be possible.
So hope has a place.
Hope must be the spark to motivate the strongest power that will bring me far.
What do I want?
Happiness!
How can I get it?
In me.

Through belief!

Help

I Know nobody is there. 
This is probably the time of my life that I am feeling the loneliest. 
I guess it beats the time, I was in Canada, without a single friend on sight, and all my weakness came pouring down in the form of tears, as the weakling that I was unable to cope with the moment of cruel reality that was upon me. 
I guess that in all my madness, I never assumed that I could meet such depths of feeling. 
I really needed help then. Somehow it came, through irony and expectation. 
It usually is the case. 
You never expect for help to come from the most strangest of places. 
I guess I lost part of myself there. I still have lingering moments of youthful energy, but most of my passion was gone there. That was the day I lost the spark. Recently, I regained it, so I thought. I never knew the price. I thought that after so many adventures and misadventures, the weakling was gone and that I could find the strength to do whatever I want to do. There is a big problem, however, I don't have the slightest idea of what I want to do. 
So I roam the Earth, much like the people who reincarnate in different animals trying to find my purpose in life, without having the clue. I always thought that love would set me free. I now feel that love keeps me trapped, when it has no chance of expressing it self, of being shared. This love stains me like a blot that blurs my soul and makes me forget of the importance of being me. 
Could anybody listen? 
Could anybody care? 
I know you don't give a damn, to the mute cry of the lonely man in the pathetic white living room, who cries in the night waiting for the miracles of the heavens above the persist in not being clear in purpose.
Where can I go, with my madness? Who will take me in? This is my sorrow and if I want company, I must bury it in me. No one wants sorrow No one wants to hear the pain. Solidarity HA! The joke I was never able to master. 
Yes! I am selfish. Yes! I am trapped within a diseased mind that knows no mercy for itself... instead it lingers slowly into the pain of an everlasting nightmare that I desperately want to finish to see the light of day, only to remember that it is when I dream that I awake from my life to my real. Today I was a teacher in Russia 
Where was I? 
Why the pressure? 
 Why can't I be bright and amazing? 
 Why can't I find the true vein of passion that will hold me greatness. 
Why can't I stop writing about the nasty sadness and finally grasp the one true things that matters in anybody life... Happiness. 

 Can anybody help? 
 Does anybody care? 
 It is much more simple, to wonder on the streets, pretending to be an athlete, when in fact all I want is to simply forget! 
 But watch out, don't forget too much, or I might forget myself and then I cannot find my way back. Once in oblivion there is no way of saying hello to the way back! and now... that I spit my own venom into the blogger, I can go and live some more, where certainly new poisons will find me, so that I might come here and just let it out, in the form of contagious words, that matter only to the writer and never to the reader... because he has no knowledge of this feeling! To my beloved self, may I find my peace and with it the true power to change the world. Mine of course, because it is the only one i should change! So, I guess, nobody can help!

To all those with wings, thank you for keeping an eye for me

I am a lucky creature.
It should come as no surprise this.
If someone was to ask me "why?", I would answer "I am in love!"
To be in love in the supreme feeling there is. To feel the deep meaningful connection with another being that is also willing to share an important part of life, it is, in my view, the most profound feeling I have been ever given the chance to feel.
Some may argue that love is a fickle emotion that attacks you without remorse, only to leave you heart-broken once it's gone. Honestly, I do not care.
The emotion of looking to her and seeing her eyes glazing back with a soft embrace made all the sense.
How does it happen?
I think those little souls that roam the universe must play some part in this history... They most likely pull some strings to make sure that both of us were exactly where we were supposed to be in order to ignite the spark that fire that burns without pain.

In my life have been granted many good things, but I truly feel that this is the most intense period of my life.
My feelings are travelling in a roller-coaster... in one minute I am there, the other I am rushing down, and feeling the flow of emotion inverse, as I am far from my love.

I guess this makes only sense to those who love and receive love back.
I am lucky, because I give and I receive.

I am thankful to be alive.