Let me tell you about my present

Today I am selfish.

In fact, I think I have been selfish for quite a long time, but now I am really conscientious of the fact.

I care very little for what I see around me.

I care for my pain and I am obsessed by it.
It clogs my mind to anything other than myself.

This is the lowest moment of my existence, because I know I have the potential to be so much more.

I like to fish for complements and if you want this is another pathetic excuse to get some.

My friends, if any, are living there lives. 
I don't care much about anyone.

I just want my pain to go way.

Unlike a drug addict that knows what substance he should take to buy a few more painless hours, I have no idea of what actions I should do.

This is my pain.
I don't know where I got it.
I know that I have it.
I know that loneliness is a beast that keeps me company in my empty room.

My feeling is that no one cares, and that is not true, but I also don't let them get near because I don't want them to tell me what to do.
SO I am trapped inside my pride and that is also no good.

My present today sucks, and this is the irony, I have everything I need to come out of this as the luckiest man on Earth, if only I could grow some attitude.

So to you, caring reader, I ask you, how do you develop an attitude?

I try everyday to run, and hide the pain in my physical effort, but as soon as I return to the haven, the pain is there as a back thought, that doesn't want to let go.

Sometimes, I think I should go to my friends, but I can I tell them. Hey! I am in pain! Pay attention!
My thought is, they could care less, because they have their on life to mind about. Much like I do with mine.

I talk to some people about my problem until they say they need to sleep.
I said too much, I feel too much.

This is the moment that proves that today, I am a selfish person that is too concerned about getting rid of a feeling that hurts so much inside.

I don't know, if you understand, but this is all rhetoric to help me release the frustration within.

I have a million things to do in my life and my focus is completely scrambled due to this pain.

How I wish to fix myself, to grow beyond the pain, to say to the pain, I do not want you anymore, I don't deserve you, you are not mine. Take this pain from me.

But much like everyone else, I guess that the pain must be slowly erased, with life.
I need to out live the pain and move forward with my life.

If it is loneliness that I feel, I should find company
If it is emptiness that I feel, I should fulfil myself
If it is sorrow that I fee, I must find love.

But my love is too far away to keep me company, to fulfil me, to quench my sorrow.


I write this as a mute cry of help. If somebody stumbles, maybe I can find a way out of this maze that is my emptiness.
I want to be whole again.
I want to go beyond this stupid feeling.